Disciplining child in front of guests

[Anonymous]

My 6 year old was being quite rude in front of guests today. Whining that he did not like food, picking it out and putting on table, that sort of thing. I think it was control related. I was very frustrated after having cleaned house from top to bottom, cooking while responding to work emergencies all day. I asked him to come into the other room and talk to me but he refused so I picked him up and we had a “chat” in the other room where I told him basically, you can ask nicely for a side plate to put things on but you cannot fuss, whine, ruin others’ meal.

I guess I am just frustrated that I was that upset about it. Usually I can let things go when guests are here. I felt so annoyed, like we gave child a nice gift and he was rude instead of being grateful. I guess this scenario pushed some buttons. If I had been in a better mood I would have figured out another, nicer way to deal with it. I am at the end of my rope and I think guests noticed that.

[Anonymous]

Sounds fine to me.

[Anonymous]

I am literally the worlds most lenient parent and I don’t see anything wrong with what you did here?? Are you saying you shouldn’t discipline in front of guests? You didn’t - you pulled him into another room. That was the right thing to do. You told him his unacceptable behavior was unacceptable. What do you wish you had done differently? I’m missing something.

[Anonymous]

Your guests were happy you dealt with the situation like a responsible parent. Don’t sweat it!

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I thought maybe I was overreacting. Like maybe I should just let it go and let child be, not draw attention to their fussing but ignore.

[Anonymous]

You had a chat in another room. How is that disciplining him in front of guests. I thought this was going to be about spanking him on the couch or some such.

[Anonymous]

I thought I was going to read about some parent humiliating their kid in front of others. Instead I read about a parent responding to their kid in a consistent, respectful and very appropriate manner. You don’t need DCUM to affirm this. You got it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I was going to read about some parent humiliating their kid in front of others. Instead I read about a parent responding to their kid in a consistent, respectful and very appropriate manner. You don’t need DCUM to affirm this. You got it!

Your comment made me realize that my self-doubt comes from having had abusive parents. My father beat us and hit us with open hand/fist (also hit mom), mom was verbally and emotionally abusive. Logically I know that I didn’t abuse my child but I think when I am angry-frustrated I am worried that I am crossing the line.

For instance, child would not stop whining and crying during “chat” so I also said that if they didn’t stop they would be eating in their room so as not to ruin things for guests. Then later father and I followed up to make sure expectations were clear. I said we would not have nice holiday meals if that behavior continues. Both statements upset child, which I understand in retrospect if they were having a control reaction maybe turning it into power struggle wasn’t th right thing.

I guess I have no baseline for normal parenting. For what is a normal parenting mistake. I go through times when I really doubt myself as a parent. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am literally the worlds most lenient parent and I don’t see anything wrong with what you did here?? Are you saying you shouldn’t discipline in front of guests? You didn’t - you pulled him into another room. That was the right thing to do. You told him his unacceptable behavior was unacceptable. What do you wish you had done differently? I’m missing something.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I was going to read about some parent humiliating their kid in front of others. Instead I read about a parent responding to their kid in a consistent, respectful and very appropriate manner. You don’t need DCUM to affirm this. You got it!

Your comment made me realize that my self-doubt comes from having had abusive parents. My father beat us and hit us with open hand/fist (also hit mom), mom was verbally and emotionally abusive. Logically I know that I didn’t abuse my child but I think when I am angry-frustrated I am worried that I am crossing the line.

For instance, child would not stop whining and crying during “chat” so I also said that if they didn’t stop they would be eating in their room so as not to ruin things for guests. Then later father and I followed up to make sure expectations were clear. I said we would not have nice holiday meals if that behavior continues. Both statements upset child, which I understand in retrospect if they were having a control reaction maybe turning it into power struggle wasn’t th right thing.

I guess I have no baseline for normal parenting. For what is a normal parenting mistake. I go through times when I really doubt myself as a parent. Thanks for letting me vent.

xox OP. I actually think your sensitivity to your own anger is a good and healthy thing. In my experience as well, child misbehavior in front of guests IS more triggering and makes me more angry -- so clearly you felt that, and the feeling of anger disturbed you.

I strongly , strongly recommend parenting therapy!!! I didn't have the abusive background you did, but other stuff that interfered with being an effective parent. And one HUGE thing is learning to deal with anger. I kind of oscillated between trying to ignore/deny that my child's behavior bothered me, and then over-reacting in anger, and then feeling guilty. That's what you did by threatening no holiday meals. That was an inappropriate consequence (too harsh) and probably more importantly, a consequence that you will never actually carry out!

The way to circumvent that cycle is to set consistent discipline that you are confident is correct and appropriate. That way, you feel like these are objective standards you are upholding, and not situations you are reacting to. You take your emotions out of it, more or less. In this sense, the common internet advice to "stay unruffled" (gag) is dead wrong. Trying to force yourself to feel a certain way and not react emotionally, just creates the cycle of supression - overreaction.

As for the exact situation -- while people will tell you to have zero tolerance for child misbehavior in restaurants, big meals, etc, that sets up a power struggle (as you saw) especially when you are triggered by normal child behavior. I can remember being amazed when I went out for a nice brunch with my old moms group, and one mom brought two young daughters (6 and 4) because she couldn't get a sitter. No, I wasn't amazed because her children were perfect. I was amazed because she ignored their very mild acting up (being wiggly, a bit loud) and then, after they adjusted to the setting, they were just fine! If it had been me, I totally would have over-reacted at the first sign of wiggling, because I was trying to prove something to my "mom friends." But by just ignoring it, her kids were fine. I'm not saying this works all the time (obv disruptive behavior can'e be tolerated) but truly, it looked like magic to me.

[Anonymous]

Just an FYI: you ignored your son all day cleaning and cooking and dealing with work emergencies. You then said you felt like you gave your son a nice gift and he wasn’t grateful. He was whining because he wanted your attention.. you may have been home all day with him, but you didn’t focus on him, play with him ....

Little boys don’t want fancy parties. That’s not something to be grateful for in their eyes.

The way you handled it was fine. When he whines when you took him out of the room, I’d have sent him to his room and told him to come back as soon as he was ready to behave properly. But talking to him away from the guests was a good call. You didn’t humiliate your son and didn’t make your guests uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

I judge parents who do NOT address their child’s poor behavior. It appalls me to see kids being rude, hitting mom, whining to dad, taking toys from another kid and parents doing absolutely nothing to at the very least talk to them or remove them from the situation. You are fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am literally the worlds most lenient parent and I don’t see anything wrong with what you did here?? Are you saying you shouldn’t discipline in front of guests? You didn’t - you pulled him into another room. That was the right thing to do. You told him his unacceptable behavior was unacceptable. What do you wish you had done differently? I’m missing something.

Literally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I judge parents who do NOT address their child’s poor behavior. It appalls me to see kids being rude, hitting mom, whining to dad, taking toys from another kid and parents doing absolutely nothing to at the very least talk to them or remove them from the situation. You are fine.

+1

[Anonymous]

The other thing to remember is previous patterns matter. If you have ignored this behavior at the last 20 fancy parties, then of course it continues. Why would he know you were annoyed? By addressing it you set boundaries for what is acceptable