Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I thought I was going to read about some parent humiliating their kid in front of others. Instead I read about a parent responding to their kid in a consistent, respectful and very appropriate manner. You don’t need DCUM to affirm this. You got it!
Your comment made me realize that my self-doubt comes from having had abusive parents. My father beat us and hit us with open hand/fist (also hit mom), mom was verbally and emotionally abusive. Logically I know that I didn’t abuse my child but I think when I am angry-frustrated I am worried that I am crossing the line.
For instance, child would not stop whining and crying during “chat” so I also said that if they didn’t stop they would be eating in their room so as not to ruin things for guests. Then later father and I followed up to make sure expectations were clear. I said we would not have nice holiday meals if that behavior continues. Both statements upset child, which I understand in retrospect if they were having a control reaction maybe turning it into power struggle wasn’t th right thing.
I guess I have no baseline for normal parenting. For what is a normal parenting mistake. I go through times when I really doubt myself as a parent. Thanks for letting me vent.
xox OP. I actually think your sensitivity to your own anger is a good and healthy thing. In my experience as well, child misbehavior in front of guests IS more triggering and makes me more angry -- so clearly you felt that, and the feeling of anger disturbed you.
I strongly , strongly recommend parenting therapy!!! I didn't have the abusive background you did, but other stuff that interfered with being an effective parent. And one HUGE thing is learning to deal with anger. I kind of oscillated between trying to ignore/deny that my child's behavior bothered me, and then over-reacting in anger, and then feeling guilty. That's what you did by threatening no holiday meals. That was an inappropriate consequence (too harsh) and probably more importantly, a consequence that you will never actually carry out!
The way to circumvent that cycle is to set consistent discipline that you are confident is correct and appropriate. That way, you feel like these are objective standards you are upholding, and not situations you are reacting to. You take your emotions out of it, more or less. In this sense, the common internet advice to "stay unruffled" (gag) is dead wrong. Trying to force yourself to feel a certain way and not react emotionally, just creates the cycle of supression - overreaction.
As for the exact situation -- while people will tell you to have zero tolerance for child misbehavior in restaurants, big meals, etc, that sets up a power struggle (as you saw) especially when you are triggered by normal child behavior. I can remember being amazed when I went out for a nice brunch with my old moms group, and one mom brought two young daughters (6 and 4) because she couldn't get a sitter. No, I wasn't amazed because her children were perfect. I was amazed because she ignored their very mild acting up (being wiggly, a bit loud) and then, after they adjusted to the setting, they were just fine! If it had been me, I totally would have over-reacted at the first sign of wiggling, because I was trying to prove something to my "mom friends." But by just ignoring it, her kids were fine. I'm not saying this works all the time (obv disruptive behavior can'e be tolerated) but truly, it looked like magic to me.
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