What kinds of things do you do to nurture friendships?

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm just not very good at this....It was easy as a young professional when happy hours and other outings naturally happened after work...There was always something social happening. It seems to have gotten harder as my DH and I and our friends have aged, had kids and found ourselves wrapped up in the kids' activities that require/d us to be present or to take them to/from things.

On top of that, I quit working when it was clear that our kids needed a lot more support with homework, along with anxiety and a bout of depression, and that threw me off as well because I couldn't talk to other moms about my DC's anxiety and depression, and some of those parents kids were part of my kid's woes.... For this and just the other basic factors of chemistry, common interests have made it so that the SAHM world hasn't been an avenue for new friendships.

I have also slowly come to learn that work friendships were probably mostly situational. (So sad, because you spend so much of your life at work...) When I do see professional friends, they are still operating in the stereotypical DC transactional, networking mode. They work their tails off and are desperate for the few precious hours of time with their spouses and kids, so to suggest grabbing coffee or lunch is to take away time they could use to further their work or spend time at home. I don't begrudge them this, as I know that's how DC is, but I'm therefore cautious about suggesting getting together. As a SAHM, I am not in a position to help them further their work goals...I've noticed that people are surprised you actually just want to catch up and don't want anything beyond companionship. These aren't bad people, they are simply on the hamster wheel and I don't want to take time away from where they need to be spending their time or seem needy.

Anyway, back to my original question. For those who seem to be adept at maintaining meaningful friendships, what habits do you have - what efforts do you make to keep the friendship going?

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound really extra. Breathe in and breathe out.

[Anonymous]

I make friends with low maintenance people.

[Anonymous]

Have families over to dinner. Better to invite both parents and kids, if kids are young, and do an early dinner.
Host a party at your home. Holidays are coming up, now is the time to plan an event.
Join stuff. Volunteer organizations, groups at church, classes, book clubs. Many of these won't lead to friendships outside of the activity, but it is a regular meeting time of people who are happy to see you.

[Anonymous]

The only people I seem to keep up with are the parents on my kids sports teams. I don’t really do anything and feel like I am barely getting by trying to be a mom to two, a wife, and occasionally do something for myself, which really only works out to two haircuts and 4 or 5 pedicures a year these days. Sorry, no help, just commiseration.

[Anonymous]

Most friendships start out as situational regardless of working or SAH. You meet people who share something with such as a school or a neighborhood. When I became a SAHM after ten years of working full time I’d meet other moms at pre-school start chatting and then after a while grab coffee and go from there. If the relationship clicked I’d suggest getting together with our kids and then spouses. I’ve always found that people love being asked for their advice on say where to get the best deal on kid stuff and that’s just a simple way of keeping a dialogue going via texting. For exercise I love to walk and I never do it alone, it’s always with a friend so we power walk for an hour and talk the whole time so we really catch up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have families over to dinner. Better to invite both parents and kids, if kids are young, and do an early dinner.
Host a party at your home. Holidays are coming up, now is the time to plan an event.
Join stuff. Volunteer organizations, groups at church, classes, book clubs. Many of these won't lead to friendships outside of the activity, but it is a regular meeting time of people who are happy to see you.

This. My kids are still little (preschoolers) so not too many activities yet. We have people over for dinner a lot on weekdays and weekends, with and without their kids. Nothing complicated but it gives us a couple hours to catch up and build a relationship if these are new friends and neighbors. We make time for our friends we had pre kids as well. Dh goes to a grad school happy hour (he was done 10 years ago) every couple months and I also volunteer and have made friends through that venue as well. Interestingly I've been at the same company for 15 years and have hung out with only one person outside of work.
But mainly it's finding time to spend time with people and genuinely listening to them and their lives for an hour or two at a time as well as seeking out people who are not necessarily on the hamster wheel and are willing to invest in meaningful friendships. We have also hired babysitters or called in grandparents to do adult only activities like concerts and galleries with child free friends (who enjoy those things) because I value those experiences and want to share them with people who appreciate them too.

[Anonymous]

I ask friends over for a drink, coffee or alcohol. I exercise with a couple of friends. I socialize with furbaby parents. I make a point to go out of my way to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Have a standing low pressure Girls Night at your house after the kids have gone to sleep.(9-10:30) Do it every 3rd Sat. Invite 6-8 people so if a few can’t make it NBD. Make sure they know it’s a Sweats and no-make up Girls Night.

Buy guac, hummus, chips and some veggies. Tell everyone it’s BYOB. And if anyone asks if they can bring something “as long as it’s low effort you can bring sweets”.

[Anonymous]

Lots of backyard parties. I grill wings, have a good stereo system, and stock the beer fridge. The fire pit is nice in the fall as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a standing low pressure Girls Night at your house after the kids have gone to sleep.(9-10:30) Do it every 3rd Sat. Invite 6-8 people so if a few can’t make it NBD. Make sure they know it’s a Sweats and no-make up Girls Night.

Buy guac, hummus, chips and some veggies. Tell everyone it’s BYOB. And if anyone asks if they can bring something “as long as it’s low effort you can bring sweets”.

+1. When the kids were younger we did the Moms night out maybe once a month back in the day the kids had early bedtimes. We had time to talk without the kids and picked a time we typically had available which for us was a weeknight. I know someone else that has brunch with some regularity with her friends. The big thing to making it work is you have to have friends willing to carve out their own time and socialize without their children. Then from there you find a time or activity that is the least disruptive to the family schedule and have with some sort of regularity.

Oh, I’d forgotten people would have Book clubs that could sometimes serve some of that socializing purpose but I think that works better if you are already friends and all genuinely want a book club. People also do social activities following athletic ones like being in a runners group etc.

[Anonymous]

OP as you get older this probably generally solves itself; I have a handful of close friends whose well-being is important to me and vice versa. We check in because it's an added benefit to us all. In my 40's I've drifted away from people whose friendship requires too much work. My focus is primarily on my family and future. This is why the happy hour thing doesn't hold as you get older...no one has time for that to be the primary social driver. Think about who matters to you (and I mean 2-3 people tops) and nurture those friendships. The rest takes care of itself.

[Anonymous]

We host a BBQ or dinner party once a month--different circles of friends, so some people are getting 3-4 invitations a year, others fewer. For friends that are "mine" more than ours, I initiate a coffee, drink or walk at least once every other month. If I see an article, or a meme, or something else that might interest a friend or make them laugh, I send it. And when there's a crisis, I try to find some concrete way to offer help: food, a ride, time to talk--whatever seems appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 43 year old married mom who works part-time and I have a really good social life now compared to my 20s and 30s. I worked really hard when my kids were little to make good friends. Now I have 5 best friends, about 10 good friends, and probably 50 + acquaintances.

Here's what I do to nurture friendships:

-Stay in touch often, this is either email, text, or phone, depending on what the friend prefers. Some friends I keep in touch with daily, others weekly or monthly
-Get together at least once every other month. Some friends I see every other week.
-I get together with friends who have older or younger kids than mine during the week for lunch. I get together with friends who have same age kids on the weekends with the kids.
-I entertain at least once a month, usually inviting a family over for dinner or brunch
-Host playdates often
-Take my friends out for lunch/dinner around their birthday and pay for them
-Take my friends out for special milestone events and pay for them (such as graduating from a grad program)
-Host baby showers for good friends
-Always remember all my friends' birthdays and send a card or email
-Offer to help out however I can, often with an in-person get together, bringing a meal, etc.

[Anonymous]

What hobbies/activities do you enjoy? I found many friends through things like running clubs, book club and a cooking group that we hold potlucks once a month. I also have good friends who I formerly worked with and through kids’ school and activities. I have a group of 6-8 friends I hang out regularly with - dinner/drinks/walks and we also go on girls’ trips. I have 3 what I would consider best friends and then another group of 15-20 acquaintances.