What kinds of things do you do to nurture friendships?

[Anonymous]

^^oh and I don’t mix friends with kids typically as my kids are older and don’t want to hang out with random other kids. We also don’t generally talk about our kids other than things like Jimmy got a job this summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 43 year old married mom who works part-time and I have a really good social life now compared to my 20s and 30s. I worked really hard when my kids were little to make good friends. Now I have 5 best friends, about 10 good friends, and probably 50 + acquaintances.

Here's what I do to nurture friendships:

-Stay in touch often, this is either email, text, or phone, depending on what the friend prefers. Some friends I keep in touch with daily, others weekly or monthly
-Get together at least once every other month. Some friends I see every other week.
-I get together with friends who have older or younger kids than mine during the week for lunch. I get together with friends who have same age kids on the weekends with the kids.
-I entertain at least once a month, usually inviting a family over for dinner or brunch
-Host playdates often
-Take my friends out for lunch/dinner around their birthday and pay for them
-Take my friends out for special milestone events and pay for them (such as graduating from a grad program)
-Host baby showers for good friends
-Always remember all my friends' birthdays and send a card or email
-Offer to help out however I can, often with an in-person get together, bringing a meal, etc.

I'm effing exhausted just from reading this. I have no friends.

[Anonymous]

I’m only friends—true friends—with people I really, really like. Then connecting with them is natural. I want to, because I like them and, over time, that liking turns into caring. And I make a point of inviting them to things, remembering important details and asking about them, checking when it’s been a while, etc. That’s reasonably easy, even with three kids and a FT job, because I truly like and care about these people.

[Anonymous]

It’s tough op when you are in the mom zone. I get it. But it’s like networking you have to put a lot of little things out there. This week I have: Had neighbors we like over for pizza and beer. Sent email with mutual friend gossip (new jobs, spouses, babies) to grad school friend. Organized impromptu girls weekend with high school friends. Sent email photo of frog on our fence to elderly neighbor. Offered baby clothes to my expecting cousin.

Not everyone replies, or plans fall through. But you’d be surprised at what works out.

At the risk of being wildly speculative, are you sure you don’t have some misplaced shame issues around your dc’s mental illness that are holding you back? Seems like you should have been able to share more of that struggle with them. If you don’t open up to people and present a facade of perfection friendships will wither. I’m betting you were not the only mom going through this.