Am I the only one who listened to their parents as a teen?

[Anonymous]

I sometimes wonder about the responses on DCUM. So many people will asy that they completely defied their parents on issues related to drugs, sex, alcohol, tobacco. As a teen, I did as I was told, mostly out of fear, but somewhat out of respect. I quickly learned to avoid kids who would push me into breaking rules. I don't regret not "experimenting".
I am a bit scared of what is to come with my kids. I am pretty sure that I will be able to get them to be responsible. I have fairly strict rules now. So far, most of the teens in my neighborhood have stayed out of trouble, making me wonder who are these rebellious, drug using, sex addicted kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP. I did listen to my parents and I'm a happy adult.
I've seen some of my teenager friends, mostly reconnecting through FB, and it's amazing to see how they ended up. Unfortunately the comparison is inevitable.
Some died with alcohol and drug problems, some are single parents struggling to make ends meet. The two most gorgeous girls I've ever met while growing up ended up morbidly obese and the fatty of the group died of profound anemia - she became anorexic. I could go on... sure there are the guys who became extremely rich and through close friends I hear that they're having trouble with the law.
I feel so happy for being a good girl and now living an average life.

[Anonymous]

I had a lot of respect for my parents, but I was also a teen girl and other factors were at play that influenced me (hormones, friends, etc.).

My mom wanted me to wait until I got married to have sex. I didn't, but I did wait until the summer I graduated from high school, it was with my boyfriend who loved me (and we still keep in touch 15 years later), and we did use protection and were very safe.

My parents did not want me drinking and doing drugs. I did drink - but never to the point where I did something stupid (put myself in a date rape or dangerous situation, drink and drive, have unprotected sex, black out). I threw up ONCE from drinking and that was it - never again, lesson learned.

I tried pot a couple of times in college, but never any other drug and only did pot a few times.

If my daughter did everything I just listed, I think I would be okay with it. I want her first and foremost to be safe - I want to know where she is, who she is with, and how she is getting there and back.

Honestly, that drug program - DARE - that was used in the 1980s and discontinued because no one thought it worked? I think it worked for me. I did try drinking but I was downright scared of drugs so I didn't touch them. A lot my friends tried other stuff but not me. Drinking didn't scare me because I grew up in a house where my parents occasionally had wine and beer, and I was okay with it - it wasn't taboo. To this day I have a very healthy attitude toward drinking. About one glass of wine is great for me every week or two.

[Anonymous]

It's just your personality. You may not be a risk-taker, you might just respect the rules and not question them, you might just connect the dots between where you are and where you want to be faster than other people.

Not to say your kids will inherit your personality, or that you will have a casual attitude toward raising them.

I was pretty rebellious as a teen, and really don't know why, other than I didn't like people telling me what to do or not do unless they had a pretty compelling argument for me of why not. And by compelling, I mean, they needed to explain in my perspective "what's in it for me" kind of way at age 15.

If I didn't think it would kill me, come back to haunt me, or land me in jail for certain, I likely broke the rules. Sometimes I think if my parents had explained why it was in my best interest to not try drugs or have sex, I might have not dabbled in either at a young age. But they just hung it out there as "forbidden", so to a teenager, that just means it must be good!

[Anonymous]

My brother and I were complete opposites. He did the exact opposite of what he should and I followed all of the rules. I was the good little girl and he was the rebel. It was just the way he was. He finally grew up (not until his mid 20s though). He dropped out of college and now has a good job, wife and 2 kids. I went to college, grad school and got married and then divorced. My husband cheated on me multiple times until I had enough. I don't see being a single mother as a failure though. Try it and you'll know that once you do it, you can do anything. Life happens and it is what you do about it that matters. I listened to my mom b/c I felt sorry for her. My brother wore her out. My DS is just like my brother so I already know what's coming.

[Anonymous]

Some of the most responsible people I know were brought up in households where they were completely responsible for their actions. They knew if they messed up, they were the ones who would pay the price. In comparison, the ones with parents who, in today's terms, were helicopter parents or were way too strict were the really irresponsible and rebellious ones.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is much correllation between how strict the parents are and how the kids turn out. I know very liberal parents who ended up with very responsible children, very strict parents with kids who ended up in jail or worse. I think you do your best as a parent, but I think a lot depends on temperament, and a lot depends on luck...

[Anonymous]

It would never have occurred to me to reflexively just do what my parents told me to do. I broke all their rules, got into trouble a lot, had a couple brushes with the law ... let's see what else? Oh of course drinking/drugs/sex.

I completely, totally agree with PPs that this is temperament thing -- which I bet you can predict with accuracy when your kids are in grade school. I was just defiant and bad, beginning in 1st grade. Now my oldest is the same way, and I fully expect her to feel her boundaries all the way through high school. This scares me.

DH, btw, was timid as a kid, timid and a Good Boy as a teen, and is now a fairly timid adult, to be honest. Risk is a 4-letter word, even socially acceptable risk like purchasing certain stocks.

[Anonymous]

I personally think being too strict is a recipe for rebellion. I think the "Nurture Shock" book addressed this a little, too, although don't take that as a parenting guide. But it said to pick 2 or 3 big things you won't allow (drunk driving, etc.) and stick to them. Allow some leeway on other things based on your child's overall responsibility, and they are much more likely to abide by the big rules and not bend the little ones too much.

But this is a time in their lives where they are learning to be independent, and if you stifle that too much, it could have negative results.

[Anonymous]

Actually, I have heard that parents who are too relaxed about drugs and alcohol are more likely to have a kid with drug and alcohol problems.

[Anonymous]

Overall I was a good kid, scared to death of drugs. But my parents were strict - probably rightly so - but in rebellion, I would sneak out of the house at night, go drinking, and sneak back in. Looking back, it's a miracle I wasn't harmed - either in an accident or by hanging out with people who I didn't know that well (I was with friends, but sometimes it was friends of friends driving the car).

My son is only 3, and I am terrified of what trouble he could get into when he is older. Add in computers and the fact there is no way I'll be able to keep up with technology as fast as him - and part of me hopes he turns out to be a geek who doesn't WANT to leave the house.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier that overall I respected my parents and followed the rules.

I do want to add that my parents were very laid back and calm in their parenting - in terms of setting limits. I agree that the stricter you are the more in can backfire. I will never forget - the mom who wouldn't let her daughter see Pretty Woman and who was so strict about boys and drinking and everything - had the daughter who got caught giving a BJ in the parking lot during study hall - embarrassing and I still remember that story!

My parents were very involved in our lives - in that they knew our parents, teachers, stresses at schools, etc., but they had looser limits and as a result, I didn't feel the need to rebel.

For example - my parents first and foremost cared that I got home safely. If that meant I had to call them and say everyone had been drinking and we needed a ride home, it was clear there would be no consequences. Also - curfews were very loose. My mom always envisioned the horrible consequences of me or my friends speeding down the road to hit a midnight curfew. As long as we called - and she knew where we were, there was some leeway in the midnight curfew. I hope to have a similar style when I get to the teen years. Limits and rules are important, but trust is too.

[Anonymous]

My father asked me a few years back how my brother and I managed to graduate high school without getting into drugs (my private school was known as the "druggie high" in our city).

My parents weren't overly strict and they were not lenient. The rules my parents had were for our safety and well-being. And they explained the possible consequences of our actions. Unprotected sex? Pregnancy, STDs, AIDS... "boys talk". Drugs? Just being at a party with drugs is enough to get you arrested if the cops show up. Drugs are also uncontrolled, so you don't really know what you are getting (strength, additives, etc). Drinking and driving? Death of you or someone else. Staying out too late? A very worried mom and the pain of getting up for sports the next morning.

My parents were very logical in the "rules" they set for us. They were based in love and respect. Made it really hard to argue with them!

I pushed my boundaries when I got to college. I learned that my own values were pretty similar to my parents'. I cannot separate sex and love. I enjoy a good party, but learned my limits. Drugs were not worth the risk to me.

The social norms have changed since the 80s, of course. But I'm hoping to give our DD the tools to make good decisions. Don't do anything that you wouldn't want announced on the front page of cnn.com and have as a part of your permanent record.

[Anonymous]

I was probably 80-90% good in High School. I did experiment a little with alcohol and cigarettes - but not too much; no sex. When I was a sophmore, I went to a "school" party one saturday. A classmate's parents were out of town. They had approved a keg party - even bought two kegs. They were the "cool" parents. The news of the party got out - some kids brought 3 additional kegs. By the time my friends and I arrived, we had to park blocks away and walk to the house. A LOT of kids had shown up who weren't really invited. Kids had taken the party outside by the time we arrived and it was really bad. Needless to say, we didn't say. I saw a lot of stupid stuff in that short time alone. Found out on Monday that some of the kids had ripped out the chandelier in the dining room. That actually was enough to keep me away from High School parties.

I did several stupid (but not too stupid) things that I hid from my parents. But, mostly I hung around kids who were like me and not into sex and very little into drinking.

I too respected my parents and felt it was just wrong. On the other hand, I sort of got stupid after I graduated from High School. Luckily, I got my head on straight when I was 22 and realized my parents were right about so many things.

[Anonymous]

Between my mom and having two much younger sisters that would sell me out in a heartbeat, there wasn't too much rebellion for me. I did run away once as a 13 year old when I got pissed off - I didn't get too far before calling home. I had seen those 60 minute stories about life on the street and realized I was a rather good student at a private school with a decent future - and rethought whether I wanted to throw that away.

I don't know which was worse the a%% whooping I got when I got home (which, I ran away because I was indignant I had gotten spanked or something like that because I stayed after school late and took public transportation home - which my parents told me not to do) OR the fact my parents didn't even know I had run away until I called. No one had read my note. Of course my mom says she still has that note today.

So if anything I think I was influenced by t.v. combined with my mom's warnings. What if I try something once and get addicted? Do you remember the afterschool special "Daddy's Little Girl" about anorexia? The warnings about date/rape drugs didn't seem real until I watched the news and specials about them ... then I believed my mom and grandma. Oh and teen pregnancy, my mom was very clear "you bring home a baby, you will take care of the baby and will need to find a place to live" and my mom wasn't the sort to take us to the doctor to get on birth control. I don't know if she was serious or not but I think that delayed sex for all of us until we were close to being out of highschool or freshman in college.