Mean behavior in my own child

[Anonymous]

The teacher has contacted us for the second time in a week reporting mean behavior from our 1st grade daughter. I have no doubt that the behavior happened. I've seen her do similar (though not as egregious) behavior in front of me. We met with the teacher and I really like her approach and respect her as an educator.

What can I do about my daughter's cruelty and lack of empathy in dealing with her classmates? Her lack of remorse once called on said behavior? Her defiance toward her teacher?

We try hard to teach empathy. We call her on her misbehavior at home. She's an only child. She's not yet 7. I'd especially love to hear from parents who've dealt with similar and found a way to change their child's behavior. Right now I feel like coming down on her like a ton of bricks but I also know that that could backfire.

[Anonymous]

Give her strong consequences. She knows better. Start with 3 days no electronics and let her know next time it will be 5 days.

[Anonymous]

Who are her friends? Who is she seated near? Bad dynamics account for a lot at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her strong consequences. She knows better. Start with 3 days no electronics and let her know next time it will be 5 days.

well, start by not listening to this terrible advice!

you can accomplish MUCH more than you think by setting up a simple set of house rules, and giving your daughter the ability to either earn tokens for following them, and a (small) consequence for not following the rules. first you have to define very clearly the problem behavior. "lack of empathy" is too broad and not age appropriate. chose something concrete like "use kind words." discuss with her so she knows what this means. then you reward her for each day she doesn't use unkind words, AND you take a way a privilege on a day that she does. if hte teacher agrees, she can also notify you about school, or implement her own school-based system. the consequence should be small. we saw major turnarounds in our son's behavior by just taking away the one show he watches every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are her friends? Who is she seated near? Bad dynamics account for a lot at this age.

Why not blame op's daughter? Why assume it is the other kids? Op has admitted it!

[Anonymous]

How do you model empathy and kindness in your daily life?
Not judging you by any means but they learn what they see around them. I have a 7yo only DD and she is very empathetic. We have books about how people are different, we talk about helping others, just last week I saw someone approaching a door in a wheelchair and and told DD to grab the door for the person so they wouldn't have to. I try and show her in daily life how to treat others with respect.
Our Church collects food weekly for a local food pantry so we make a point of buying extra cereal each week.
She has a friend with autism and she understands on a 7yo level that his brain is a bit different and he doesnt understand social cues like she does. She holds his hand walking into school every day and when I asked her why she said it stops him from running and getting into trouble.

You have to model what you want them to see,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you model empathy and kindness in your daily life?
Not judging you by any means but they learn what they see around them. I have a 7yo only DD and she is very empathetic. We have books about how people are different, we talk about helping others, just last week I saw someone approaching a door in a wheelchair and and told DD to grab the door for the person so they wouldn't have to. I try and show her in daily life how to treat others with respect.
Our Church collects food weekly for a local food pantry so we make a point of buying extra cereal each week.
She has a friend with autism and she understands on a 7yo level that his brain is a bit different and he doesnt understand social cues like she does. She holds his hand walking into school every day and when I asked her why she said it stops him from running and getting into trouble.

You have to model what you want them to see,

Good points all and we do a lot of this already. This is part of why I'm so perplexed by her behavior. It's mocking mean kid behavior. We don't do that at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The teacher has contacted us for the second time in a week reporting mean behavior from our 1st grade daughter. I have no doubt that the behavior happened. I've seen her do similar (though not as egregious) behavior in front of me. We met with the teacher and I really like her approach and respect her as an educator.

What can I do about my daughter's cruelty and lack of empathy in dealing with her classmates? Her lack of remorse once called on said behavior? Her defiance toward her teacher?

We try hard to teach empathy. We call her on her misbehavior at home. She's an only child. She's not yet 7. I'd especially love to hear from parents who've dealt with similar and found a way to change their child's behavior. Right now I feel like coming down on her like a ton of bricks but I also know that that could backfire.

OP, how could coming down on her with strong consequences backfire? She is 6 years old!

You lay on the punishment and lay it on hard. This behavior will not be tolerated. Period. If she pushes back, you push harder.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell the teacher what you told us, that you’re looking for ways to help encourage more appropriate behavior at home. She may have ideas.

I don’t think it’s always true that kids model what we do. For instance, many parents are very selfless, giving, and obliging, and find that their children expect everyone around them to sacrifice for them. Or, the parents are kind and full of praise for the child, and then the child decides anyone not as smart, beautiful, etc. is unworthy. Some of the most challenging behaviors I saw as a teacher we’re from doted-on, very loved only children. Before the flames come out, of course there are plenty of only children not like this and plenty of kids from big families who are like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The teacher has contacted us for the second time in a week reporting mean behavior from our 1st grade daughter. I have no doubt that the behavior happened. I've seen her do similar (though not as egregious) behavior in front of me. We met with the teacher and I really like her approach and respect her as an educator.

What can I do about my daughter's cruelty and lack of empathy in dealing with her classmates? Her lack of remorse once called on said behavior? Her defiance toward her teacher?

We try hard to teach empathy. We call her on her misbehavior at home. She's an only child. She's not yet 7. I'd especially love to hear from parents who've dealt with similar and found a way to change their child's behavior. Right now I feel like coming down on her like a ton of bricks but I also know that that could backfire.

OP, how could coming down on her with strong consequences backfire? She is 6 years old!

You lay on the punishment and lay it on hard. This behavior will not be tolerated. Period. If she pushes back, you push harder.

This. You have been nice and that did not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The teacher has contacted us for the second time in a week reporting mean behavior from our 1st grade daughter. I have no doubt that the behavior happened. I've seen her do similar (though not as egregious) behavior in front of me. We met with the teacher and I really like her approach and respect her as an educator.

What can I do about my daughter's cruelty and lack of empathy in dealing with her classmates? Her lack of remorse once called on said behavior? Her defiance toward her teacher?

We try hard to teach empathy. We call her on her misbehavior at home. She's an only child. She's not yet 7. I'd especially love to hear from parents who've dealt with similar and found a way to change their child's behavior. Right now I feel like coming down on her like a ton of bricks but I also know that that could backfire.

OP, how could coming down on her with strong consequences backfire? She is 6 years old!

You lay on the punishment and lay it on hard. This behavior will not be tolerated. Period. If she pushes back, you push harder.

+1. Nip it in the bud now. No negotiating. Behavior is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

The punishment advice is BS. Your instincts are right OP. The PP who posted about rewards and specific expectations nailed it. Rewards work better than punishments, studies bear this out time and again. Tell her what to do instead of what not to do. Make sure she knows the expectations. Role play alternative behaviors to the problem behaviors she’s exhibited. And don’t expect perfection or a 180 overnight. It takes time and she’ll make mistakes along the way, but you should see improvements quickly.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to try to work with her to get to the root of why this is happening. You can't fix it if you don't understand it, and it sounds like you don't understand it right now.

I suspect there is some type of underlying issue you could try to get at (but will be hard because kids don't always have the capacity to identify it themselves). Is she doing it to protect herself because she's afraid of being made fun of? Does she feel really insecure? Is she doing it because she sees her friends do it and thinks it's funny/okay? Is she doing it because she doesn't understand the impact it has on others and isn't able to read the social cues accurately? Is she doing it because she's overwhelmed in the classroom (sensory, anxiety, not understanding the material, etc.) and is acting out because she's so frustrated or angry about that?

I would continue to work with her teacher and talk with her about the situation. I don't think a strict punishment/"stop doing this immediately" approach is going to teach her the right thing. You have to show her that you have compassion and empathy for her even as she is acting in an inappropriate way and work to change the inappropriate behavior while also acknowledging what might be some very legitimate underlying feelings she has. This is also good modeling of being empathetic and kind to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you model empathy and kindness in your daily life?
Not judging you by any means but they learn what they see around them. I have a 7yo only DD and she is very empathetic. We have books about how people are different, we talk about helping others, just last week I saw someone approaching a door in a wheelchair and and told DD to grab the door for the person so they wouldn't have to. I try and show her in daily life how to treat others with respect.
Our Church collects food weekly for a local food pantry so we make a point of buying extra cereal each week.
She has a friend with autism and she understands on a 7yo level that his brain is a bit different and he doesnt understand social cues like she does. She holds his hand walking into school every day and when I asked her why she said it stops him from running and getting into trouble.

You have to model what you want them to see,

Because kids have actual personalities. You aren’t driving this bus. Even If you think you are. My daughter has been exposed to all the same. She’s kind but she’s not “nice” and I’m okay with that. I was nice. I was nice at the expense of myself. F that. For all girls. I’m not okay with mean but I’m also okay with not being the nicest in The room.

[Anonymous]

We talked a lot about being a friend and how some kids are learning to be a friend. Is she learning to be a friend? Was she mean to one of her friends, or to someone she doesn't consider a friend? With a first grader, it is usually that they are mean to their friends.

Both of my kids had kids who had additional challenges in their classes and we talk about how those kids have to work harder than other kids. They also had kids in their classes who were still learning how to be a friend.

I was in the classrooms a lot because of various volunteer programs in the school, so I knew the kids. This stuff is harder if you really don't know the other kids at all.