Mean behavior in my own child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are her friends? Who is she seated near? Bad dynamics account for a lot at this age.

Why not blame op's daughter? Why assume it is the other kids? Op has admitted it!

Learning as much as you can about the circumstances that give rise to bad behavior is not saying "it's the other kids." It's making an attempt to change the circumstances for your child that give rise to bad behavior. Children are not born mean. Or do you believe the devil is in her?

[Anonymous]

Can you elaborate on the "mean" behavior? Is your DD calling people names, being bossy?

[Anonymous]

I would spend a lot of time talking to her about 'how do other people feel' and compare her feeling to others feelings. Teach her to think of others inner feelings and that hurting feels is not OK.

The other thing I would explore if someone is bullying her. Bullied kids will do it to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are her friends? Who is she seated near? Bad dynamics account for a lot at this age.

Why not blame op's daughter? Why assume it is the other kids? Op has admitted it!

Learning as much as you can about the circumstances that give rise to bad behavior is not saying "it's the other kids." It's making an attempt to change the circumstances for your child that give rise to bad behavior. Children are not born mean. Or do you believe the devil is in her?

She could be a sociopath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to try to work with her to get to the root of why this is happening. You can't fix it if you don't understand it, and it sounds like you don't understand it right now.

I suspect there is some type of underlying issue you could try to get at (but will be hard because kids don't always have the capacity to identify it themselves). Is she doing it to protect herself because she's afraid of being made fun of? Does she feel really insecure? Is she doing it because she sees her friends do it and thinks it's funny/okay? Is she doing it because she doesn't understand the impact it has on others and isn't able to read the social cues accurately? Is she doing it because she's overwhelmed in the classroom (sensory, anxiety, not understanding the material, etc.) and is acting out because she's so frustrated or angry about that?

I would continue to work with her teacher and talk with her about the situation. I don't think a strict punishment/"stop doing this immediately" approach is going to teach her the right thing. You have to show her that you have compassion and empathy for her even as she is acting in an inappropriate way and work to change the inappropriate behavior while also acknowledging what might be some very legitimate underlying feelings she has. This is also good modeling of being empathetic and kind to others.

OP its likely your daughter is being bullied or hurt by someone else in or outside of her class and now she is taking it out on other kids. You need to get to the root of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to try to work with her to get to the root of why this is happening. You can't fix it if you don't understand it, and it sounds like you don't understand it right now.

I suspect there is some type of underlying issue you could try to get at (but will be hard because kids don't always have the capacity to identify it themselves). Is she doing it to protect herself because she's afraid of being made fun of? Does she feel really insecure? Is she doing it because she sees her friends do it and thinks it's funny/okay? Is she doing it because she doesn't understand the impact it has on others and isn't able to read the social cues accurately? Is she doing it because she's overwhelmed in the classroom (sensory, anxiety, not understanding the material, etc.) and is acting out because she's so frustrated or angry about that?

I would continue to work with her teacher and talk with her about the situation. I don't think a strict punishment/"stop doing this immediately" approach is going to teach her the right thing. You have to show her that you have compassion and empathy for her even as she is acting in an inappropriate way and work to change the inappropriate behavior while also acknowledging what might be some very legitimate underlying feelings she has. This is also good modeling of being empathetic and kind to others

OP its likely your daughter is being bullied or hurt by someone else in or outside of her class and now she is taking it out on other kids. You need to get to the root of that.

These people have it right. Studies show that punishment just makes kids better at hiding the behavior, butnit doesn’t convince them to strip it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to try to work with her to get to the root of why this is happening. You can't fix it if you don't understand it, and it sounds like you don't understand it right now.

I suspect there is some type of underlying issue you could try to get at (but will be hard because kids don't always have the capacity to identify it themselves). Is she doing it to protect herself because she's afraid of being made fun of? Does she feel really insecure? Is she doing it because she sees her friends do it and thinks it's funny/okay? Is she doing it because she doesn't understand the impact it has on others and isn't able to read the social cues accurately? Is she doing it because she's overwhelmed in the classroom (sensory, anxiety, not understanding the material, etc.) and is acting out because she's so frustrated or angry about that?

I would continue to work with her teacher and talk with her about the situation. I don't think a strict punishment/"stop doing this immediately" approach is going to teach her the right thing. You have to show her that you have compassion and empathy for her even as she is acting in an inappropriate way and work to change the inappropriate behavior while also acknowledging what might be some very legitimate underlying feelings she has. This is also good modeling of being empathetic and kind to others.

+1 OP this might help a little in thinking through this as well: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2017/02/how-children-really-learn-empathy/

[Anonymous]

Enneagram 8 lacks empathy do other traits line up?

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering if this is an early manifestation of “mean girl” behavior. Mocking other people can be a way of elevating oneself or dealing with feelings of insecurity. Is there a way to explore whether your daughter feels socially comfortable?

For developing empathy, I like teaching children to make apologies of action. Instead of just saying “I’m sorry,” I expect children to do something nice for the party they’ve upset. At school it can be helping to clean up after a cut-and-paste lesson or letting that person get a more favorable spot in line, for example.