Personal space & when to step in

[Anonymous]

My 4 year old sometimes has problem with personal space. Especially at train table, he likes to play crashing his train into other kid's train on purpose (often upset other kid), likes to has his train follow so closely right behind other kid's train (often upset other kid), likes to race his train to past/jump past other kid's train (upset other kid) etc. They are all little kids, range from 2-6 years old, and they are still learning to play. I find out that I always correct/step in to correct my son's behavior when it is his fault, and I also step in to interrupt to ask my son to give way/have his train flied to other corners when it is partially or fully other kid's fault. I think I just hate conflicts, and want to my son learn how to play well with older one or younger ones. The older ones sometimes play rough (grab my son's hand or use body to squeeze him to the side), and I am afraid that he gets hurt. And, I don't like to see the younger ones to cry or whine (sometimes my son's fault, sometimes they just fight over a train & it is not my son's fault) when they interact with each other.

I have seen some parents do nothing & just sit back. And, I am wondering if I interrupt too often to prevent him from learning better play skills on his own or am I doing correct to interrupt all the time. In daycare, there are so many kids to watch, and teachers do not step in right away until the conflicts continue or gets worse among kids. Should I do the wait and see approach, maybe wait for a minute or so? What's your thought on it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 4 year old sometimes has problem with personal space. Especially at train table, he likes to play crashing his train into other kid's train on purpose (often upset other kid), likes to has his train follow so closely right behind other kid's train (often upset other kid), likes to race his train to past/jump past other kid's train (upset other kid) etc. They are all little kids, range from 2-6 years old, and they are still learning to play. I find out that I always correct/step in to correct my son's behavior when it is his fault, and I also step in to interrupt to ask my son to give way/have his train flied to other corners when it is partially or fully other kid's fault. I think I just hate conflicts, and want to my son learn how to play well with older one or younger ones. The older ones sometimes play rough (grab my son's hand or use body to squeeze him to the side), and I am afraid that he gets hurt. And, I don't like to see the younger ones to cry or whine (sometimes my son's fault, sometimes they just fight over a train & it is not my son's fault) when they interact with each other.

I have seen some parents do nothing & just sit back. And, I am wondering if I interrupt too often to prevent him from learning better play skills on his own or am I doing correct to interrupt all the time. In daycare, there are so many kids to watch, and teachers do not step in right away until the conflicts continue or gets worse among kids. Should I do the wait and see approach, maybe wait for a minute or so? What's your thought on it?

It is a random playgroup, and they meet 3-4 times every week with same or different kids.

[Anonymous]

Those other parents are in the wrong. You observe for a minute, you call out "Larlo, please be gentle", and if you don't see him stepping back, you intervene. I have a 2.5 year old who is extremely extroverted and is a "close talker" to boot, and exhausting as it is, I have to hover a little at the playground so that he learns the correct way to interact.

[Anonymous]

I use the phrase, an arm's length away is a nice way to play. I say it to the kids and show them what that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use the phrase, an arm's length away is a nice way to play. I say it to the kids and show them what that is.

Train table becomes small when there are multiple kids playing at the same time. An Arm's length probably won't work at this situation.

[Anonymous]

I kinda let it work itself out. Your kid has every right to jump his trains over others as another kid has every right to move his train super slow around the track.

[Anonymous]

I think I'd let my kid crowd a little, but if it moves into hurting someone else or rough play that might hurt someone, I'd intervene. I agree with you that they need to learn how to play though experimenting. Other kids' irritated reactions or jostling for space is a way for your child to learn boundaries. But, if someone is going to get hurt, it is your job to prevent that.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a hard one as for me it’s an “it depends.” Generally I do think it’s good to let kids learn to work it out themselves, with support and scaffolding as needed. They need to learn how to manage these interactions but sometimes they need our help to learn that too. If it’s with kids we know well and I know the other parents feel comfortable letting them work it out then I step back more. If I know it’s a parent that doesn’t feel comfortable, or it’s someone we don’t know at the park, or my child is being excessively dominant or in a kids space than I step in. If you feel you’re stepping in a lot, then maybe try to catch yourself if it’s not a loss of limb/eye situation and try to wait and observe just a little more before deciding if they need a little help. I do think sometimes kids need our help with ideas, you can try narrating the situation to help as opposed to telling the “right” way. But also if we give them the space before jumping in sometimes they surprise us.

With the other parents it’s likely mostly parenting style differences. Janet Lansbury really encourages letting kids work it out, and I try to do it when I can but also find with other kids and different parenting styles that’s not always realistic and I don’t want to make other kids or parents uncomfortable. Here is an article from Janet Lansbury on the issue so you can see where other parents might be coming from

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/09/helping-toddlers-resolve-conflicts-rules-of-engagement/

[Anonymous]

11:44 here and want to clarify that if it’s a specifically personal space thing I do often narrate and navigate my son to give more space especially if I feel the child seems distressed by it - I would definitely narrate that x looks like she needs more space and make him move. Like if he’s standing way too close and the child looks uncomfortable. But it sounds like it’s more than just personal space where you’re intervening