Talk about sex??

[Anonymous]

What is the better age to talk about sex?
I have an 9 year old boy.When is the better age to explain "things" to him.
My DH thinks it is 12 but I just don't know.Once I heard him talking to his friend about a "hot girl".On the other hand,I don't think he really knows what that is.
He is pretty much a very good kid.

[Anonymous]

Before 12 in my estimation. From my own experience, some kids will be becoming sexually active around twelve. Lots of parents become less vigilant as their kids get older and don't supervise as well so there are greater opportunities and boys and girls spend more time together in groups beginning around this age. Kids with older brothers and sisters have closer proximity to teen sexual activity and so may be more interested and more pointed about having the same experiences that their older sibling is having or that they are seeing or overhearing. Your son will know at least one kid in their school who comes home to an empty house in their tween and teenage years. He will know at least one other kid where anything goes at that family's house.

Also, there was a really great article a few years ago in the Post talking about middle school kids becoming sexually active and talking about sex, sexual topics, etc. constantly to one another. The reporter spent part of the day with an 8th grade girl who was apparently propositioned for blowjobs multiple times per day all in a casual, passing manner. I remember reading it and thinking on no day in my adult life would an adult male EVER think it was acceptable to tell me he was "ready for a hummer" as I breezed past his open office door.

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 yo boy and a nine year old boy. I know 9 seems early, but its getting close to time to start the talks. My older one and I have had a lot of the technical talks- and he had human growth and development in school- but I know we need to have some of the more "emotional side of things" talk now. I have approached it as less of a one shot deal and as a result, I think he is pretty knowledgable and respectful. He likes current music and so I have used that as a segue into appropriate ways to talk about/think about girls and women. He is exposed to friends who talk about hot girls, and definitely the boy-girl dynamic is pretty strong now, so 12 would have been way too late to start the talks IMHO.At around his age 9 I heard a friend of 2 of his call something "gay" as an insult and that really freaked me out. It is critical to our family that homosexuality is a completely accepted/respected fact of life so that prompted some chats early on too.
Anyway- at age 10 he started asking me more in terms of technical info-- exactly HOW etc.
My 9 year old seems fully uninterested and he is very private so I doubt he will ask much. I was just thinking that we/I need to start some of the sex talk conversation going with him soon.

[Anonymous]

You should start talking with your children in an age appropriate wasy as early as possible -- age 2!! And just keep talking adding more information as they ask for it and get older.

Does your 9 year old know how babies grow inside a woman's body and how they come out? Has he ever asked what makes the baby start to grow in there?

Has he ever asked what it means when animals "mate"?

Has he ever asked if people need to be married to have a baby? Or if some people just don't want to or can't have children?

[Anonymous]

I would talk about it now, either you explain it or his friends will. I would also make it more of an ongoing conversation. We will pause movies and TV shows when things come up and explain how a pregnancy could have been prevented by either abstinence or two forms of birth control. Check with me in 10 years to see how well our strategy worked...

[Anonymous]

I followed my sister's approach and answered whatever questions my dd asked when she asked them. In my view 12 is way too late to talk about sex. Some kids in middle school are already sexually active by then. Even if kids are only getting together to go to a matinee at the movies they can get into a lot of trouble that way.

The other thing to consider is that no matter what your dc says to you now, he or she could turn out to be gay, bi, or transgendered. (Believe me, I thought I knew. I didn't.) And even if they don't, they will most likely be around people who are. Best to talk to them about these things.

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 year old boy and 9 year old girl. I knew they were probably hearing things at school, but honestly, I was uncomfortable and unsure about when to have a "formal" sit down. All that changed one day when I was reading an online news page, and from behind me my 10-year-old blurted out "Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant? - that's impossible - she's not even married". At that point I realized that they had a biological understanding of reproduction, but were clueless about the emotional or societal connections. Even though it was uncomfortable, I knew I had to tie it all together. I have never had a sit down, but I'm sort of proud to say that 'sex', ' teen pregnancy etc.' is discussed openly now, and I'm amazed at how open they are (I grew up in a Conservative Christian home where nothing was discussed - ever). My older child is now in Middle School, where all of this stuff is discussed on a regular basis - it's part of the age. Last week, as we were driving to school and there was yet another Tiger Woods reference, so I asked "have you heard about this" and my son said - yes - he had sex with 10 women. I was then able to tell him that in all of my years, I had never heard of a story like this, and it was not normal and true or not, it was very sad for the family etc. Part of me hates to know that he is exposed to such things, but growing up I had friends whose dads had Playboy subscriptions and smoked cigarettes (things my parents never did and is not something most parents do today) and sadly that's the way that I learned about many things. I'm happy and grateful that my kids talk to me openly in a way that is sensitive and inquisitive. If I sense that the time is right - I ask questions to get the conversation going if it is clear they are looking for answers. It's healthy that they want to know things, and I'm relieved to warn them about chat rooms and the dangerous people in the world. Of course I'm sad of our reality, but very glad that things are out on the table in a way that allows me to share personal values. My daughter told me this summer about a friend that told her about "sex" - and asked if her Dad and I did that. It was yet another uncomfortable moment, but I'm glad they feel free to come to me. Soon after this incident, the mother of the "informant" told me how her daughter knows nothing. We were at a school function and I didn't have the heart to tell her that her daughter knew quite a bit - but I did encourage her to start the conversation. I encourage you to do the same. Once things are out in the open, at an age appropriate level, it allows you to help your kids understand where your own family values in this crazy world.

[Anonymous]

These are great books to give your child to get this conversation started:

It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families: appropriate for ages 7 and up.
http://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing-Families-Library/dp/0763613215/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260820403&sr=8-3


It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health: appropriate for ages 9 and up
http://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growing/dp/0763624330/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260820473&sr=8-4

[Anonymous]

IMO it is not one conversation; it is a series of conversations beginning when they are very little - the younger, the better. Younger children don't know that this is something to be embarrassed about, so conversation and questions flow more easily, whereas if you wait too long, it is harder to get them to talk/ask questions.

Get some books and get talking to your 9yo now.

[Anonymous]

IMO there shouldn't be one formal sit down, but several discussions that evolve over time, as PP suggested starting as young as age 2. My children are 5 and we discuss things as they come up, but in the coming years I would imagine having MANY, MANY conversations about the technical side of things and by 12/middle school evolving into emotional side of things. Obviously we all have a different approach to discussing sex/relationships, etc., but I think most experts are in agreement that this shouldn't be a one-shot (pardon the pun) conversation.

Here is a PDF file from Dr. Laura Berman (regularly on OPrah) that talks about what to talk about and when.

http://media.oprah.com/lberman/talking-to-kids-about-sex-handbook.pdf

[Anonymous]

You are late with the conversation if your child is talking about HOT GIRLS.

The talk is a series of talks. Some about the mechanics, some about love. Some about maturity. It is an evolving process.

Twelve is late. Very late.

[Anonymous]

Our 12 year old just had her first kiss and DH and I are struggling with how to address and delay any subsequent activity. All this is to concur that 12 is way too late. And we've had the talk very early on and ongoing. Not sure what we are doing wrong.

[Anonymous]

As an 8th grade teacher, 12 is way to late to start this conversation. Last year my 8th grade class was nicknamed the "G" class (by the teachers). About 30 of them had contracted gonorrhea. Not to mention the disturbing instances of catching couples in the bathrooms between classes. Unfortunetly, many parents wait too late to start this discussion process and the kids are the ones who findout on their own through experimentation.

[Anonymous]

My five year old kept asking how I got pregnant yesterday. I told her mommy and daddy wanted a baby and decided to have one. She kept asking how, how, how. I said "Daddy put his penis in mommy, and the sperm from daddy met the egg from mommy and made a baby."

She said, "Oh."

THAT is good sex education. It is biology and terminology now, and lots of confusing emotions later.

12 is TOO late. Get on it. Quick.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I agree that 12 is way too late. My brother had his first sexual experience when he was 12 or 13. And he wasn't the first boy in his class either.