I’m done but he’s not

[Anonymous]

Recently I figured out that my H is a covert narcicisst (married around 14 years) who has been gaslighting and playing mind games. His actions at the end of last year caused me to call it quits and contact a divorce lawyer but he begged for “ one last chance” which I gave him “for the sake of the kids” ?
Of course, he went back to his usual abusive and manipulative ways and I am just done but he’s begging for another final last chance. My brain and heart are telling me to tell him to go screw himself, but I am financially dependent on him for my medical situation (cancer). He wants me to get it in writing that if he screws up again then I can walk away with no issues and I’m afraid if I don’t agree to this he will make this divorce very difficult. The divorce is inevitable, I can’t live with him knowing his true face, but I’m also tempted by the offer to come up with something in writing to obligate him to leave me alone when he screws up again. I can’t stand being around him and would rather divorce him but he is hounding me to give him another chance and “save our family”.

What would you do in this situation? Does coming up with some kind of contract make sense...is this a thing? I’m so confused and can’t think straight that I doubt my own ability to see the pros and cons so that’s why I’m asking here

[Anonymous]

It’s a postnup that he’s asking for. But it’s very hard to imagine a successful (ie enforceable) postnup hinging on vague criteria like “messing up.”

What does he mean when he says he would give you the ability to “walk away with no issues”? FYI, child custody and support generally cannot be addressed in a postnup, so if those are what he is suggesting he would promise you in such a document, he’s full of it.

[Anonymous]

How are you financially dependent due to illness? Is this new?

Regardless, he isn’t going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a postnup that he’s asking for. But it’s very hard to imagine a successful (ie enforceable) postnup hinging on vague criteria like “messing up.”

What does he mean when he says he would give you the ability to “walk away with no issues”? FYI, child custody and support generally cannot be addressed in a postnup, so if those are what he is suggesting he would promise you in such a document, he’s full of it.

He will deny that he messed up and therefore the agreement is null and void.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a postnup that he’s asking for. But it’s very hard to imagine a successful (ie enforceable) postnup hinging on vague criteria like “messing up.”

What does he mean when he says he would give you the ability to “walk away with no issues”? FYI, child custody and support generally cannot be addressed in a postnup, so if those are what he is suggesting he would promise you in such a document, he’s full of it.

+1. A judge isn’t going to kick him out of the courtroom and give you everything because he signed to “no issues”. You can’t sign away your right to fight for what’s legally yours.

Sounds like he’s just manipulating you again.

[Anonymous]

Tell him his "one last chance" will be him proving he can be a decent person during the divorce proceedings. Then, on the other side, perhaps you all can be friends. That's the only chance he has left.

Divorcing a narcissist will not be easy. You need to figure out your financial situation ASAP.

[Anonymous]

If he has a history gaslighting you, the contract isn't going to make a difference. This is just another way for him to continue controlling and abusing you.

Please leave now. You can get services at your domestic violence organization. Where are you located?

Here are some local resources:
Montgomery County Family Justice Center: 240-773-0444
Prince George's Family Justice Center: 301-780-8008
DC SAFE - 1-844-443-5732
Arlington - 703-504-9400
Fairfax - 703-360-7273

[Anonymous]

No. No. No.

Please rethink staying with him. Contract will not make any difference.

Get help from a center or therapist experienced with emotional abuse.

Rethink how dependent you are on him for healthcare during your cancer. Can you cut back your lifestyle to afford health insurance on the Obama marketplace? Open season is coming up in November/December and you will have a chance to buy a new health insurance plan without any restrictions due to pre-existing conditions.

[Anonymous]

It takes two yeses to create a marriage but only one no to end it.

[Anonymous]

spoiler: you're the asshole.

[Anonymous]

He is going to make the divorce difficult for you despite the "mess up" contract. Obviously, he is not a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is going to make the divorce difficult for you despite the "mess up" contract. Obviously, he is not a lawyer.

This. It will be difficult regardless. Cut him loose. He will break any contract anyway. Everything they say is a lie. Good luck, OP. I jad one of those and I almost haven't made it out alive. Mine is malignant.

Go through her videos and put them on while you are doing chores. Look for what you need today. She has videos on gaslighting, covert narcissism, divorcing those a**holes, self-care, healing, kids with them, etc.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHk_36kn2zDnVL-d23tE6bg

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you financially dependent due to illness? Is this new?

Regardless, he isn’t going to change.

It sounds like she has no income and no health insurance without him.

The problem with a divorce now is that if they do divorce, she will be forced to get insurance on her own. One concern is that if the Republicans regain control of the House, that they may be able to overturn the ACA. Even if they don't overturn the entire thing, they may be able to eliminate the preexisting conditions clause and that could be disastrous for OP in trying to gain insurance of her own after a divorce.

None of this is a reason for her to put up with the BS that she is being shoveled, but I can certainly see why she feels trapped.

[Anonymous]

If he's truly a Narcissist, then he's just performing a common Narc manipulation trick of promising you a fake future in exchange for something he wants now (i.e. you giving him an Nth chance). He won't change and you'll regret giving him yet another chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you financially dependent due to illness? Is this new?

Regardless, he isn’t going to change.

It sounds like she has no income and no health insurance without him.

The problem with a divorce now is that if they do divorce, she will be forced to get insurance on her own. One concern is that if the Republicans regain control of the House, that they may be able to overturn the ACA. Even if they don't overturn the entire thing, they may be able to eliminate the preexisting conditions clause and that could be disastrous for OP in trying to gain insurance of her own after a divorce.

None of this is a reason for her to put up with the BS that she is being shoveled, but I can certainly see why she feels trapped.

OP, is this the case, and are you able to work (is your cancer in remission?)?

But as someone with a long-time serious health condition who left an abusive, likely NPD husband, I wouldn’t let “what ifs” about the ACA stop you. Even pre-Obamacare, as long as you maintained continuous coverage, your pre-existing conditions were covered.