Obligations during school year?
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Anonymous
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I’m trying to find a school year happy medium with ILs. My husband works every other weekend. During the summer months, this works or nicely because he can take our kids to visit his parents on his days off during the week. I’m at work so he drives them out there to have lunch and spends the day there. During the school year, it’s a different story and the burden mostly falls on me. I struggle finding a happy medium.
I know it’s not the norm here, but on the weekends DH has off, we like to spend time together as a family. If there is a big family event, sure we attend, but we aren’t typically visiting extended family. It’s wonderful that ILs want to visit during the week, but it’s also difficult. Also, they aren’t easy guests; they expect a nice dinner and socializing. They aren’t delivered pizza on paper plates kind of people. In fact, one day last year I invited them over to try a new burger place the kids like, and they were annoyed it wasn’t sit down. Just setting the scene. I love that they love our kids, and I will always allow it, but the visits are always disruptive. The kids aren’t off the bus until 4:30, and because of the time they have to get up, we start showers and bedtime routine at 8. When ILs come over, it really disrupts the routine. This is fine, we usually plan it on a day DH is off so he can help with the socializing and also help with the bedtime routine. And also my ILs always feel like it isn’t enough quality time. I’m wondering what my obligations are on weekends when DH isn’t home. Am I obligated at all to give up a weekend day to spend it with ILs when DH is at work? Or are weekday evenings only OK during the school year, school breaks and holidays aside? |
Anonymous
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How often do these visits happen? Weekly? Monthly?
How far away are ILs? Do kids have activities that could be a focus of a visit? (Games, recitals, concerts, tournaments, etc) |
Anonymous
OP here. They ask once a week. That’s IMO too often. They are 30-45-60 minutes, depending on the day and traffic. They’d never take the kids to an activity. Like I said, when they come, they want to be the focus, if that makes sense. There is no going about my day while they play with the kids, it’s them siting being waited on while they look at the kids do what they do, and they want to talk and chat while they do that. That’s why I mostly have DH there. |
Anonymous
| IMO, once a month would work for me for a "real sit down visit" with official dinner and accommodating GPs. Other than that, I would say they are free to visit (provided they coordinate with us), but they'd just be participating in whatever we are doing (soccer practice, playdate, pizza, hanging out in the backyard and hotdogs, taking a walk in the park while we ride bikes, etc.). |
Anonymous
Can you compromise and just do fridays? My mom is like that but will not do the activities so its an issue with daily activities. We tell her go to activities or no. |
Anonymous
| Let them visit, but on your terms, and let them be annoyed. Tell them beforehand that they can come on x day, but you will have to - insert whatever you need to do. Tell them if they don’t want to come that is fine, also and you will see them in two weeks when you will have time for the sit down dinner they like. I mean, I know you won’t follow this advice, but so much of this board’s problems would be solved if posters understand that they do not have to run around pleasing everyone else. I’m not suggesting that you be a bitch, either, just nicely explain what the evening entails, give them a choice of attending or not, as they prefer. |
Anonymous
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I think you need to stop focusing so much on their expectations and focus on what works for you and your family.
Decide how frequent you want these visits and invite from there. I think weekly sounds crazy but do what works for you. If you need to do pizza and paper plates to make my visit manageable then do that. They can choose to be annoyed about it or not. Stop waiting on them hand and foot. I am guessing a few pizza and fast dinners for these weekday visits and you won’t have them coming so frequently! Are your kids really young? I can’t imagine this working with school homework and after school activities. |
Anonymous
OP again: It’s so frustrating. I hate it during the week, but I also hate having to give up a weekend when DH aid working, because I accomplish a lot then and use the time to visit my family. DH isnt interested at all in giving up his weekends off for his family, so like I said, there is no happy medium other than suffering through a weekday visit. Someone said I’m not following the advice, but really, I don’t care if it makes me look bitchy, it’s not my family. But the kids love their grandparents so I do try. |
Anonymous
| Weekly is too much and stop catering to them. If pizza works then pizza it is. You deserve nuclear family time and also time with your family. |
Anonymous
| Your husband handles all discussions. These are his parents. Discuss with him. First decide what *you* want. You don't seem to know. Don't crowd source re: your own preferences. |
Anonymous
Both sets of grandparents are out of state but if they weren't, this would be my limit as well. No way would I be accommodating weekly visits. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but for us (elementary/middle) this wouldn't work anyway if I were more inclined - we are very busy with sport practices, and tournaments (which obviously grandparents could be invited to attend, but can't imagine they'd want to!). Figure out what works for you and your husband and go from there - but under no circumstances are you "obligated"! |
Anonymous
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No way would I give up a weekend when DH was out of town. And if he works every other weekend, your family needs some time together, too. I would do one Friday evening a month + any long/ holiday weekends when you don't have other plans as a nuclear family or with your family.
Also when do you see your family? |
Anonymous
| Every other week at MOST. It’s not fair to your kids to be up late or subjected to a sit-down dinner when they are tired after school. As they get older and homework ramps up, it will be even worse. Maybe once a month you do they formal dinner and entertaining, on a date when DH is home and maybe the kids have the day off school (a teacher work day? Early release). The other weeks, just order takeout and go about your evening routine. Just because they would prefer a nice restaurant and constant conversation doesn’t mean they have to get it! |
Anonymous
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You have it all backwards.
Who cares if ILs are annoyed? If they come, they have to obey house rules, and house rules are centered around your children's routines. So it's simple dinner and proper bedtime, not posh restaurant and late bedtime. Lay down the law already. YOU, not anybody else. I have to say this: posters always advise that the grandparents should be managed by their child. What if the child in question doesn't want to say the words? Instead of fighting with each other, the other spouse has to step in for the talk. This is something I've done to my MIL (not often, she's delightful most of the time) and something my husband has done to my parents, when for various reasons we couldn't handle our own parents. |
Anonymous
| Back to school is a great time to set a new expectation. “MIL, GIL, with the new school year we are going to be dealing with some new schedule variables. We’re going to be making your visit nights pizza nights to take some of the load off of me. You’re welcome to being a salad or dessert if you’d like them as part of the meal, but no obligation! The kids love your visits. Can you come for pizza on the 22nd?” |