Visiting Grandfather whose dying- our children’s first experience..

[Anonymous]

Kids are 10 & 12. We are visiting their grandfather this weekend. He will be moved to a hospital/hospice in a few days. DD was already emotional about it(12); DS doesn’t know yet about the outcome to come about. Should we coach the kids about what to say? -What is “okay to ask” boundary wise ? Grandpa will not look good nor want to talk about it. Need advice..

[Anonymous]

First, your kids need to know the reality of the situation. They need to know Grandpa doesn't look good. He may be confused as the time gets closer. They should know Grandpa doesn't want to talk about how he feels. They need to know Grandpa is dying.

Does he have any beliefs about what happens when he dies? Discuss that.

Follow your kids leads. If they seem scared or overwhelmed, remove them from the situation. Don't force things.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. My FIL passed away this summer and my DD-9 visited him once in hospice, basically to say goodbye. Before we talked about the reality of the situation, and also what he looked like now and what the room looked like. If there's things in there that might be scary and if he looks very different from when they saw him last, you'll want to prepare him. You can come up with a list of things to talk about. Maybe bring something (cards, photos, books) so they can give him that. I would keep the first visit short.

DD basically started crying the moment she saw her grandpa -- she couldn't hold it together. She stayed only a few minutes. But grandpa was happy to see her, even in those circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Does he want to see them, and vice versa?

[Anonymous]

Against the advice of friends and family, I took my 10 year old son to visit his dying grandfather. He was in horrible shape and within hours of passing when we got there. People said he's too young to understand, you don't want them remembering him like that, etc...

Fast forward to me offering to edit his college application essays, and there in front of me is the most moving account of getting to see his grandfather before he died and how important that moment was to him.

Do what feels right.

[Anonymous]

Does he want to see them? My grandmother, who had been very vivacious etc, was adamant that her grandchildren not see her in her hospice state, which we respected.

I was somewhat traumatized by seeing my mother in the ICU shortly before her death (as an adult I really had no choice as there were medical decisions to be made and my father had already passed) - I would be very careful about this (as you certainly are being!) A lot of it depends on the personalities of the kids also. One of mine is emotional and anxious and would take it hard - the other probably wouldn't.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

We just went through this with my FIL but DS was 6. We knew it was coming for about a year. We made sure to do regular Facetimes for a variety of reasons.

1) It meant a lot to FIL
2) It allowed DS to see Grandpa as he was changing. So when we went to visit Grandpa in the hospital and at their home, DS was not surprised by how Grandpa looked.

DS saw Grandpa at home about two months before he died. We did not bring him to visit Grandpa when he went home for hospice.

There is a big difference between 6 and 10/12 but follow your gut. I could not handle a last visit to see my Grandma a week before she died. I just couldn't do it. I had been there a month or so before and that was hard enough.

[Anonymous]

We have a family friend in home hospice. This isn’t the same situation that you you have, emotionally, but I did need to prepare dd9 before visiting. I talked a bit about some things to avoid bringing up, unless our friend did first. “I hope you get better” seems like a natural thing to say for a kid, but might hit some dying people the wrong way. With our friend, I knew that she was very happy to be at home, with her beloved cat; she had been in the hospital for a long time. So in our case, these were good go-to subjects- we’re so glad you’re home, Fluffy is clearly happy to have you here, and then on to cat topics. Thinking of some “safe” kid friendly subjects to discuss ahead of time was helpful.

Two other approaches that proved to be good ones in our case- 1. dd drew a picture for our friend, so that gave her something to talk about briefly rather than just standing there quietly, and 2. when I take dd to visit our friend we only stay for maybe 10 minutes. This cuts down on awkwardness all around, and prevents visit fatigue. I save longer visits for when I go alone.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are old enough for you to be honest with them about what's going to happen to their grandpa. You don't want to compound the situation by not telling them in case this is the very last time they will see him. Explain to them what the circumstances will be - he'll be in a hospital bed/his own bed/wheelchair/etc, there will be oxygen/tubes/etc hooked up to him, he won't be able to talk much, he will look tired, etc.

Prep them with ideas for conversation and be prepared to lead if necessary. It might be nice if they think of a good memory with grandpa and share it with him when they see him - if it's not too much for them or grandpa. Plan for the visit to be short and take the kids' lead on whether they want to stay longer or leave earlier.

Lastly, even if you aren't religious, it's a good time to talk with your kids about what you believe as a family - or even just to discuss the fact that there are lots of beliefs about what happens to people when they die. They might be looking for reassurance or explanations as a way to bring them comfort. Even something as simple as "Grandpa will always be with you in your heart" can be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Against the advice of friends and family, I took my 10 year old son to visit his dying grandfather. He was in horrible shape and within hours of passing when we got there. People said he's too young to understand, you don't want them remembering him like that, etc...

Fast forward to me offering to edit his college application essays, and there in front of me is the most moving account of getting to see his grandfather before he died and how important that moment was to him.

Do what feels right.

That's so sweet. Amazing what moments and experiences stick with kids. Often not the ones we think.

[Anonymous]

What everyone else said. Also tell them it is ok to be sad. It is a sad thing. Kids do not have to be strong. They are kids. I think it is good and healthy for them to know that death is a part of life and just because something is hard isn't a reason to avoid it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Against the advice of friends and family, I took my 10 year old son to visit his dying grandfather. He was in horrible shape and within hours of passing when we got there. People said he's too young to understand, you don't want them remembering him like that, etc...

Fast forward to me offering to edit his college application essays, and there in front of me is the most moving account of getting to see his grandfather before he died and how important that moment was to him.

Do what feels right.

That's so sweet. Amazing what moments and experiences stick with kids. Often not the ones we think.

+1. Very moving!

[Anonymous]

We found this really helpful recently for DD5. There’s also an accompanying podcast that is basically the same content. I think the most important thing is to set expectations (this is what he will look like...) and give them the choice of whether to go to the hospital, funeral, etc.

https://www.npr.org/2019/03/04/698309351/the-dog-isnt-sleeping-how-to-talk-with-children-about-death