Do you ever recommend divorce in real life to friends / family?

[Anonymous]

My sister complains about her DH ALL THE TIME. To be honest, I've always been in the camp of, "he's kind of a jerk, but she loves him, so that's all that matters." Well, they've been married 15 years, and her complaints are getting more frequent and more serious (no abuse, per se, but she does talk about his short fuse a lot and the few times he broke something in frustration). I honestly think she should throw in the towel on this one, because he's never going to change.

Can I suggest that to her? Or do I just let her idly vent and let her come to that conclusion herself? I don't want her thinking I hate BIL, because then get togethers will be forever awkward, and I love my sister dearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister complains about her DH ALL THE TIME. To be honest, I've always been in the camp of, "he's kind of a jerk, but she loves him, so that's all that matters." Well, they've been married 15 years, and her complaints are getting more frequent and more serious (no abuse, per se, but she does talk about his short fuse a lot and the few times he broke something in frustration). I honestly think she should throw in the towel on this one, because he's never going to change.

Can I suggest that to her? Or do I just let her idly vent and let her come to that conclusion herself? I don't want her thinking I hate BIL, because then get togethers will be forever awkward, and I love my sister dearly.

No, no, don't. Ask her questions instead. "have you thought about your future? How is this impacting the children? How are you holding up? Do you feel safe/unsafe? have you talked with a therapist?" I would not suggest asking if she's thought of divorce, unless you think she's unsafe/being abused, because really, it could be that she is just a complainer. She is safe, right?

It might be that he is never going to change, it might be that she'll end up getting divorced, but she has to come to it in her own time.

[Anonymous]

Yep I told my BFF that she needs to leave her husband. I got tired of hearing her complain about him. The straw that broke it for me was when she was tending to her father in the hospital who had had a stroke and she called me to take her kid to school.

We live 30 min apart. I had assumed that DD was staying with her father while BFF was out of town with her dad. She was and dad was home. He just didn't want to drive her to school.

I don't care if he impacts BFFs life; she's an adult. But when he starts impacting the kid, then I'm going to stop holding my tongue and say something.

Like you said, she loves him too much, they've been together forever, etc. But his behavior is detrimental to their child. And that's what I told her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister complains about her DH ALL THE TIME. To be honest, I've always been in the camp of, "he's kind of a jerk, but she loves him, so that's all that matters." Well, they've been married 15 years, and her complaints are getting more frequent and more serious (no abuse, per se, but she does talk about his short fuse a lot and the few times he broke something in frustration). I honestly think she should throw in the towel on this one, because he's never going to change.

Can I suggest that to her? Or do I just let her idly vent and let her come to that conclusion herself? I don't want her thinking I hate BIL, because then get togethers will be forever awkward, and I love my sister dearly.

Sounds like her cry for help.

Tell her to see an individual therapist to better assess what is going on at home and how to cope or next steps. Find ones that specialize in verbal and emotional abuse. If you suspect mental disorders find that too. Seeing a couple lawyers might help frame the options as well.

[Anonymous]

If it were my sister (or mom or best friend) who I had pretty good open relations with, i would probably genuinely ask if she'd contemplated whether she wanted to stay with him. Based on the limited info you provided, it sounds like you're not 100% sure if she really needs to divorce him - but you would probably divorce if you were in her shoes. So i would not go so far as to say "you need to divorce him" -- because you just don't know what someone else is thinking, what their priorities are, what is really happening behind the scenes that you don't know about.

But by the exact same reasoning (you don't know all the specifics), i would have no problem tiptoeing into the question to get a bit more info, and see if they had thought about leaving him. And then if they remotely mention any concerns with the marriage, it gives you an entree to non-judgmentally say that you support them no matter what, that you don't have enough info to tell them what to do, but if they do divorce, that it won't be the end of the world, no one will judge them either way, and they have people to help them through it, etc.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Before marriage, I have brought up issues when my friends explicitly ask me. After marriage, no. They've made their bed then and should make the best of it, apart from abuse.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before marriage, I have brought up issues when my friends explicitly ask me. After marriage, no. They've made their bed then and should make the best of it, apart from abuse.

Wow. I said no, but after reading your holier than thou post I changed my mind.

[Anonymous]

I definitely have! She didn’t. But she may in the future.

[Anonymous]

Yes, to two people, both with abusive husbands. Both left. Both remarried good men.

[Anonymous]

For adultery, yes. No experience advising re: abuse or addiction but for those 3, I would always recommend divorce.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. I usually say I can’t really help you but an CGAz therapist could, look into it.
I also tell them: you should take your own advice.
That really stops people in their tracks and they stop making excuses for their spouses bad behavior.