are kids feeling a pressure to identify to their peers?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Im asking because my daughter, now almost 13, is questioning if she is attracted to girls as well as boys. She has my acceptance no matter what, but I cant help but to notice that this exchange of information about "sexual orientation" began among her friends as early as 8.
I have artist friends who are non binary and raising a non binary child, who is now 8. They regularly post fascinating updates and testimonials of their life and the issues they confront also as disabled persons, and I learn about all kinds of labels, in their context being used to describe as accurately as possible their experiences and realities (Not to just slap labels around). So they posted about their child having identified as "Pre-sexual". I thought this was so brilliant, and to me it seems like a great way to address that sexual orientation is SEXUAL, at least to some extent, and without sexual engagement, maybe there is no need to identify orientation, especially publicly. This is of course my interpretation, and it may not be correct, of this "label". Where my concern kicks in is the potential for kids to feel they MUST have an answer to this question for their peers, because their peers expect them to have an answer, in the form of a label, not a discussion or sharing of the challenge presented by the question itself or any related issues. Although of course it could become a starting point for that, in kids old / mature enough to create that safe space. Of course I would want to ask anyone here who is an adult if it would have been helpful to them to have these kinds of questions asked of them and the openness and options of the labels and if it would have diminished any personal struggle they experienced. And finally: what about privacy? I had to introduce my daughter to the idea of privacy in these matters. That intimate and sexual topics and the struggles they may produce are not actually a required item to divulge openly. Its still perfectly legit to consider these matters privately or with deeply vetted trusted persons only until something emerges that seems solid and ready for the next level of discussion/sharing. |
Anonymous
| OP here again, forgot to add: keeping things private is not the same as keeping a secret out of shame. I mean talking to people who are definitely safe. Of course thats also their struggle as kids/tweens/teens. How to figure out who is safe. |
Anonymous
| OP here, should I have posted this elsewhere? Maybe tweens/teens? |
Anonymous
| I don’t think it’s pressure to come out early. I think it’s that it feels safe to come out younger than it did in years past. Did you know you were straight when you were prepubescent? Why is it shocking to think someone could know they’re not straight? It’s really not different. And as far as privacy goes, why does anyone need privacy around their orientation? I mean yes, some people are private, especially about their personal lives, but being forced into privacy is the same as being forced into the closet. It’s not shameful and doesn’t need to be hidden any more than being heterosexual needs to be private. Be careful what messages you’re sending to your daughter. I’m not reading a lot of acceptance in your post even though you have a friend who is “other.” |
Anonymous
| The pressure “to come out” is often overwhelming for young kids. |
Anonymous
Read whatever you feel into my post. Thats to be expected. No of course its not shocking that someone would know their orientation at a particular age, because, yeah, duh, I knew I was straight. The point Im making is no one ever ASKED me. EVER. And now I think thats kind of interesting. Did everyone just assume I was straight? No one needs forced privacy around their orientation, but its an option they can chose, isn't it? I was very clear in my follow up post to specify that choosing privacy is not the same as feeling obligated to be secret or feel shame. I personally cant imagine how awful it would have to be to feel like you would HAVE to hide it. If I had to hide my attraction to boys/men, that would have been impossible to do. Horribly painful. Im in the arts where being straight is queer. I have way more than one gay or bi friend! And I grew up with a gay couple as close family friends. I was lucky to grow up that way. So you see, I thought this was just normal- you are what you are. My entire point is: kids are ASKING this as a data point about each other up front, and that is new. It is of course the best possible scenario to be able to freely express orientation. What you are missing about my question is that not everyone wants to or needs to express that to people. Do they? With all of the openness about orientation, I dont see an overall true improvement in acceptance by humans of differences with regards to just about anything. People who are asexual still get treated like they are freaks, for example. Finally, what if a person feels conflict? What if a person just isnt sure? Is the message that not being sure is also ok, and is also part of this message of openness? Thats the part Im not sure about.... My daughter and I have had lots of great conversations. She told me the other day "Im pretty sure Im not a lesbian, and Im pretty sure Im not straight. I have figured that much out." To me, thats totally fine. When she chooses to act on her feelings for either gender, that will generate the next level of communication about choices. As I explained to her, all I care about is that she finds people who treat her well, with love and respect. She HAS identified as not polyamorous. She imagines a monogamous long term relationship, and when younger imagined this to be a man, and as she got a bit older, realized it could be a woman. And she wants kids. The challenge of actual relationships, which knowing your orientation doesnt help much with is: knowing your needs, respecting the needs of your partner, communicating honestly and fairly, being intentional and responsible. My goal as a parent is to give her resources to help her know or learn how to do those things. To that end, her orientation is not relevant. Ive explained this to her. I'll be curious to see where it all goes: the first kiss(es) and all that fun stuff that is coming soon! <3 |
Anonymous
OP here. Can you share what you have observed? |
Anonymous
| I don't understand non binary stuff. No advice for op, just observing that gender and sexuality are getting even more confusing. |
Anonymous
|
I live in San Francisco, where I am raising my teenager. Firstly, I think it's disgusting of parents to POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA about the sexuality of their children. Secondly, to answer your question: no, not here.
Kids are cool with kids coming out, going back in, trying out the other gender, etc. DD's friend identified as a potato for close to a month (her pronouns were it/them) and wore a onesie to school every day (technically not against the dress code). The kids just want to respect their friends by using the right pronouns and trying to set them up with the right people. |
Anonymous
|
Hmm. Not going to comment too much, since anything that appears to be anti-LGBT is deleted from these boards, but... that's why I don't expose my children to social media, why I don't talk to them about the current gender-fluid trend, and if they pick up stuff at school, it doesn't appear to be a lot, because they're not wondering anything about that right now. All I ask is that they are respectful of others' choices and think critically without being sheeple. |
Anonymous
The epitome of the progressive-turned-crazy. You should turn it into a cartoon and submit it to The New Yorker. |
Anonymous
She identified as a potato? Is this a typo?? |
Anonymous
I’m assuming she was being ironic, but not knowing the child I couldn’t say what the irony represents. I seriously doubt the child felt like she was a potato. It was probably more akin to performance art, like when Shia LaBeouf wore a paper bag for a while, than to someone staying their sexual or gender identity. |
Anonymous
| Love the potato identification- LOL. |
Anonymous
| When no one cares how other people identify, the whole process of identifying oneself will go by the wayside. |