Reasonable Bedtime for 14 year old Girl?
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Anonymous
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My 14 year old DD just returned from spending three weeks with her older cousins in NY with some alarming ideas about screen time and schedules. Apparently, at cousins' house they would stay up chatting on phones until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. Then they would sleep until 3-4 PM in the afternoon. We have been attempting to readjust her to a more normal schedule by enforcing a 10:00 PM bedtime (phone gets taken away) getting her up at 9:00AM. She insists that the alternate schedule is more normal for teens and that we are seriously messing up her social life because all of her friends start texting and hanging out on phones after 10:00 PM.
Can you share your kids' summer schedules with regard to screen time and bedtime? |
Anonymous
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Summer - midnight bedtime, wake at 11am
School - 10pm bedtime, wake 6:30-7 weekends midnight bedtime, wake... depends on sports/activities |
Anonymous
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Is she going to be a freshman in high school?
In my house, we enforced weekday bedtimes until high school. I have a 14 year old DD who is a rising freshman. Here are our new rules Screen time and bed times are managed by her - she decides as long as she does her responsibilities, exercises, does school work, and isn't annoying (must come nicely when called, etc) and gets up on time to do things (no one can sleep until 3 at my house because we have stuff to do), As and Bs in school (since she can do that). Phone gets plugged in downstairs before she goes to bed - so she can stay up all night texting but when she goes to bed, phone is charged. No phones waking up my kid in the middle of the night. No phones at family dinners, everyone has to do some family time. she can't bother anyone who goes to sleep before her I can still take the phone for misbehavior or if she violates above rules I have been doing this with my older DS since he started high school and it basically works fine and he has learned to be independent. I know he will be ready to manage himself when he goes to college. |
Anonymous
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She needs to sleep.
Does she plan to sleep through high school and wake when school ends? Our kids do not get phone in morning until chores are complete. And kids know I do not care what other kids do and do not consider that a decent argument at all. Kid goes to sleep at 9, 10 or 11 in summer. Waking at 9 or 10 am in summer. |
Anonymous
| You have to begin allowing your teen to regulate their own sleep patterns. If she doesn't get enough sleep on a school night at age 14+, let her learn from it before she goes to college in a few years. You can suggest she get some sleep, but enforcing a bedtime for a 15-year-old is something no parent should be doing anymore. Do you cut her meat, too? |
Anonymous
So OP, you do know that you are the parent here, right? It's your number one job to help her stay healthy and safe. And it's your teenager's sole purpose in life right now to exert as much control as possible so that she can engage in social activities. Continue to take the phone at 10pm. You can tell her that it's great that all the other parents let their kids stay up to 3-4am texting. Awesome. When she's able to pay for her own phone, she can have it as much as she wants. Until then, you get to set the guardrails that help her meet a need that is even more basic than connecting with friends: sleep. She will be fine. --Parent of a 13.5 year old and a 18 year old. 13 year old dd is in bed between 10-10:30pm with all screens gone. 18 year old is about to go to college. He's hangs out with friends and is home by 1pm. We do not take his phone. |
Anonymous
It's nice that he's home by lunchtime. |
Anonymous
Honest question: what's the benefit of her having four years to regulate her own schedule before college, over, say, one year? Or one summer? Conversely, why shouldn't 10-year-olds be regulating their own sleep, or 6-year-olds? |
Anonymous
Sure. Because teenagers are so great at regulating themselves and making decisions that put their health over their immediate desires. And kids who don't have enough sleep are even better at that regulating. 
Your comparison to helping her get enough sleep to cutting food is ridiculous. Why didn't you suggest that she drink alcohol and try drugs? After all, she'll need to learn how to deal with those things at college. At 14, it's better that she knows how to handle them, right? How old are your teenagers? Or do you even have kids? |
Anonymous
Whoops! Good catch. That made me laugh. Meant 1am. I guess I need some more sleep... 
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Anonymous
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I place a huge premium on sleep in my house. My kids are almost never sick.
For my kid that turns 14 in September, we aim for 9pm during the school year. Depending on practice schedule, it may be 9:30pm. He needs a lot of sleep, will get up at 7am for 8th grade. He is just entering a growth spurt---just started eating and sleeping more. I want to capitalize on this and let him get as much rest as possible. When he enters HS and gets older, there will be more time to regulate on his own. My kids have always seen how athletic performance suffers without adequate sleep the night before. My 12-year old is an a-hole (like me) if he doesn't get enough sleep. Other kids tolerate it better, mine have never done well without a consistent sleep schedule. |
Anonymous
| My kids wake at the same time consistently. They do not sleep in, even in summer. Today they were up by 7:30am. They have camp at 9am. They do 6 hours of sports camp and often run around outside after too. They are wiped (11.5 and almost 14). They are both yawning by 8:30/9pm. I send them up. Younger one doesn't have a phone yet and the older one has always left his charging on kitchen counter at night. No phones in bedroom at night. |
Anonymous
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I'd have eased her backwards by an hour each night, rather than have her come home and force her backwards by six hours.
I'd tell her I don't care what her cousins do - I care what she does. And I'd reach out to her closest friends' parents and say "Hey, Leah told me all the kids start texting each other after 10pm, but just wanted to let you know, Leah's phone is taken away for the evening at 10pm so she won't be replying until the next day." |
Anonymous
| By 14 my kids set their own bedtimes. They stay up late sometimes and sometimes sleep in but they have things to do and have to learn to balance all that. Their teens and now is the time to let go of control and let them have autonomy. The alternative is constant battling and in the end, what will I have won? You can’t make someone sleep! |
Anonymous
That’s nuts to me as that age is only 8th or 9th grade. My kids, not was I, are not allowed to go up to bed whenever they feel like it. Are you okay with them binge watching Netflix until 3am on a school night? Grades/academic performance, behavior, immune system, mental health and athleticism are all tied to the amount of sleep. Mental disorders due to (or exacerbated by little sleep) are real. This is akin to given an 8th grader a few bottles of wine and saying they’ll learn to modulate drinking this way. People are too lazy to parent or be the bad guy. |