How to handle power struggles with 5 year old
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Anonymous
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Ever since my child turned 5 (a few months ago) we have had an issue with daily power struggles, mainly revolving around food, the TV, and playtime. I'd say we have one of these power struggles about 4-5 times per day.
Here are some examples of the daily occurances: Around food: Me: It's dinner time. We're having food A, food B, and food C. I know you love food A and B. Please come to the table. Child: No, I don't want that. I want cookies. Me: We're not having cookies for dinner. If you eat a good dinner, you can have a cookie after. Child: Fine, then I'm not having anything. Runs upstairs to room, slams door, and cries. Around the TV: Me: After this show it's time to turn off the TV and find something else to do. Child: (Whining) But I haven't watched any TV today. Me: You've already had an hour of TV today. Time to find something else to do. Child: Fine, then I'm not doing anything. Starts a crying fit. Around playtime: Me: I've played with you for an hour, it's time for me to clean the kitchen and start dinner. Child: But what can I do? I have nothing to do. Me: It's time o entertain yourself. Why don't you get started with building some Magnatiles. Child: Fine, then I'm not doing anything. Runs to room, slams door, starts to cry. How can I handle these situations? I feel like these power struggles are increasing by the week. There are no new changes in environment. Child is an only child. |
Anonymous
| Read 1-2-3- Magic |
Anonymous
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Sounds like you’re doing fine. Two things you might already be doing, but good to remember:
Validate his feelings “it’s a bummer you’re bored, huh? Hopefully you can think of something to do soon” or |
Anonymous
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...or “it’s hard to wait for cookies when you want one right now”
Kids need to know someone understands them even when their thoughts seem irrational to us. Also you can set timers for things like mom/son time. So the timer is to blame and it doesn’t seem subjective. Finally...include him in your chores (cooking, cleaning) so he has more ownership and doesn’t feel left out |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for these suggestions. I will incorporate these suggestions.
Is it normal that these power struggles are occurring 4-5 times per day? Seems like a lot to me and it's leading to a lot of crying fits. Nothing new/different has occurred in our environment since they started. |
Anonymous
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Stop announcing what's for dinner. Unless your kid is blind, they can figure it out when they get to the table and look at the food.
Invite your kid to help you make dinner. Sounds like a dramatic kid. Personally, I love that, so I'd encourage it. |
Anonymous
Are you a bot? |
Anonymous
Seems normal to me. Same thing happened when my older one turned 5. It's a pain. What helps is consistency and firmness, and not getting sucked into the drama. He screams that he doesn't want dinner? I tell him fine, you don't have to eat, but you do need to go to your room for being rude. He gets upset that he didn't wash his hands before his younger sister? I remind him that's because he refused to do it the first time when I said it was time to wash hands. Also, in calmer moments, we talk about why what he did wasn't acceptable and how we can listen better next time. He is 5.5 now and has improved a lot. Probably still have this sort of thing once or twice on an average day, almost always centered around dinner (he is picky and doesn't eat much for lunch at school so by dinner time he is starving and short-tempered) or mornings when he has to stop playing and get ready for school. |
Anonymous
| Yes normal |
Anonymous
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Be consistent every single time. If you only ever have cookies after dinner then it shouldnt turn into a power struggle. If he sometimes has a cookie in the afternoon he is gonna think it can happen whenever he wants it to.
If he doesnt want to eat dinner, let him go without. I personally put at least one thing on the plate that I know DD likes so she never goes to bed hungry, but if he is refusing to eat anything then so be it. Do not turn it into a conversation. Does he get the same amount of screen time a day? Mine doesnt but you might need to. So X amount in the morning or X number of shows and then turn it off. |
Anonymous
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1) Dinner is on the table, come eat please.
2) Use a timer so he can see he has 1 hour tv or use a tablet that turns off automatically after the house. 3) Sweetie, I have to clean the kitchen. I love spending time with you. Would you please help me? Power struggles completely normal at that age. They are just trying to figure it all out. |
Anonymous
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He storms out because he feels left out.
I would spend more time with him. For the rest you're doing the right thing 
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Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for this suggestion! I used it today and it completely worked! The change in his attitude was immediate. Here's how it went: Child: I'm so bored. What can I do? I need someone to play with me. (I had already spent 3 hours playing today and needed to have my own time). Me: I know how hard it is to feel bored. It can really make you feel sad sometimes. Let's come up with a few ideas right now that you could do. And we sat down together and came up with a really good list of 15 ideas. |
Anonymous
OP here. There's really no way I could spend more time with him. We're together for 7 hours a day. I work part-time during preschool/camp hours and am home with him the rest of the time plus all weekend. |
Anonymous
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Great advise above. And, you cannot win a power struggle with a [insert age of your child here] year old. Read that last sentence again, because they can always outlast you, if they are 5, 10, 15, etc.
Best to step out of it - as you are doing! As they get older, you can add, "when you have calmed down and are able to discuss xxx with me, I am happy to do so." You can't give in, or you are teaching them to have the temper-tantrum to get what they want. |