DD’s friend recently transistioned!

[Anonymous]

My DD’s and her friend are both 12 and have been best friends since childhood. Her friend was having some trouble and stayed home from school a lot this past school year. She totally shut DD out and at that point DD was so hurt and cried so much when she found out that the friend had transferred to a different school the last two months of the last school year. DD was concerned and reached out but didn’t get any reply. Last week we bumped I to this friend and he has transitioned into a boy. He changed his name, cut his hair short and wears boy clothes. It came as a shock to DD since she had no idea. When we got home she cried and took it really bad saying she wasn’t there for her friend when he needed her the most. I encouraged DD to reach out and they have been hanging out a lot this week. It seems like now DD is having a difficult time with the relationship since they went from talking about somewhat “girly” things like JoJo and nails to only talking about sport and baseball players. She said they spent 6 hours together and that was the only topic of conversation. She said her friend was relaxed and happy but she thought that he was trying too much to prove he was a boy. DD says she doesn’t mind talking about these things but it’s all the friend wants to talk about. How do you advise your daughter to be there for her friend but also to find a balance in this friendship.

[Anonymous]

They’re 12. Friendships change. Even if her friend weren’t trans, the friendship may have changed or ended as they get into middle and high school. I’d start by pointing out those things.

I have a trans son. It’s hard for him to be close to early childhood friends sometimes because a lot of “girly” activities they did stemmed from him trying to fit in and do “girly” things to appear to be more feminine. A lot of that felt unnatural and sometimes even painful for him, so being with those friends and trying to recreate those bonds and activities brings back uncomfortable feelings. It isn’t anything the friends did, it’s just the circumstances. Also, reminiscing can be tricky because the memories come from a time when he wasn’t being his authentic self, and he’s not ready to relive those memories or look at photos of himself as a girl.

As the friend’s interests have changed and he feels open sharing them, your DS needs to realize that while the friend participated, he probably felt like that a lot over the years when they were doing lots of “girly” things. She can participate in what the friend wants or not, but he may not be open to doing feminine activities. It’s not so much that he feels like he has something to prove, but it’s more like he’s been conforming for so long, and now he’s free to explore the other side, so the pendulum has swung the other way. Eventually he’ll probably find some balance.

I know she’s 12 and everything revolves around her, which is normal for kids that age. However, this isn’t her life changing event, her trauma to live through, or her emotional crisis. She’s a supporting player from last season who’s possibly making a guest appearance this season. Being upset that she wasn’t allowed to be part of the transition is overlooking everything he experienced during the transition and makes it all about her instead of the friend. Sometimes being a supportive friend means stepping back while someone goes through a crisis.

Also, she’s probably mourning the friend she lost, rather than being able to celebrate the person who came out on the other side. It’s normal and natural to mourn that loss, but that person was a character the friend was playing and now he’s being his authentic self. Your daughter might not enjoy being good friends with him as much as who he used to be, and that’s okay.

It’s awesome that she wants to be supportive, she just needs to remember it’s about him, not her.

[Anonymous]

Perfect ending to the friendship: your child saw her erstwhile friend, and discovered they didn't have that much in common anymore.

Now time to move on. They can always reconnect occasionally.

[Anonymous]

You are making this about your daughter and her needs. She needs to find new friends.

I would not indulge this but each to their own.

[Anonymous]

It is pretty jarring to have to switch pronouns halfway through the story

Hope the friend is doing ok though

[Anonymous]

Yeah, too young... Why not just be a tomboy at that age

[Anonymous]

Transitioning at 12. This seems unbelievable to be doing
at that age.

[Anonymous]

Do any of you who can’t believe a young person is trans actually know any transgender people? Do you think they wake up at 40 and decide to swap genders? Or do you just not believe people can be transgender and consider it all mental illness, but you know that’s not PC so instead you transfer your disgust to their young age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making this about your daughter and her needs. She needs to find new friends.

I would not indulge this but each to their own.

I’m sure op’s focus would be different if she were having coffee with this boys mom but of course a long-time best friend being abruptly out of her dds life is something that would affect her daughter, therefore how to help her daughter through is of concern. Wondering about how to talk to her daughter is not making it all about her!

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry that your DD was so worried and that the boy felt he had to change schools. My daughter’s best friend transitioned in place. I don’t want to minimize what some transkids experience in school, but it was handled really well by the adults and the majority of students. Building accepting MS and HS communities is critical for preparing students for colleges and careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re 12. Friendships change. Even if her friend weren’t trans, the friendship may have changed or ended as they get into middle and high school. I’d start by pointing out those things.

I have a trans son. It’s hard for him to be close to early childhood friends sometimes because a lot of “girly” activities they did stemmed from him trying to fit in and do “girly” things to appear to be more feminine. A lot of that felt unnatural and sometimes even painful for him, so being with those friends and trying to recreate those bonds and activities brings back uncomfortable feelings. It isn’t anything the friends did, it’s just the circumstances. Also, reminiscing can be tricky because the memories come from a time when he wasn’t being his authentic self, and he’s not ready to relive those memories or look at photos of himself as a girl.

As the friend’s interests have changed and he feels open sharing them, your DS needs to realize that while the friend participated, he probably felt like that a lot over the years when they were doing lots of “girly” things. She can participate in what the friend wants or not, but he may not be open to doing feminine activities. It’s not so much that he feels like he has something to prove, but it’s more like he’s been conforming for so long, and now he’s free to explore the other side, so the pendulum has swung the other way. Eventually he’ll probably find some balance.

I know she’s 12 and everything revolves around her, which is normal for kids that age. However, this isn’t her life changing event, her trauma to live through, or her emotional crisis. She’s a supporting player from last season who’s possibly making a guest appearance this season. Being upset that she wasn’t allowed to be part of the transition is overlooking everything he experienced during the transition and makes it all about her instead of the friend. Sometimes being a supportive friend means stepping back while someone goes through a crisis.

Also, she’s probably mourning the friend she lost, rather than being able to celebrate the person who came out on the other side. It’s normal and natural to mourn that loss, but that person was a character the friend was playing and now he’s being his authentic self. Your daughter might not enjoy being good friends with him as much as who he used to be, and that’s okay.

It’s awesome that she wants to be supportive, she just needs to remember it’s about him, not her.

I disagree that " it’s about him, not her" -- basically the trans friend has not been a good friend and ditched someone who has been a good friend. It would have been thoughtful for the trans friend to make some sort of contact. Even to communicate that he was changing schools. I think both kids deserve to be treated kindly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making this about your daughter and her needs. She needs to find new friends.

I would not indulge this but each to their own.

Why do you say this? OP has every right to be concerned about her daughter. Her daughter has basically invested time and concern into a friendship that she is now finding out to be based on a false premise. OP is right to figure out how to best guide her child of a tough to navigate situation.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you need to do so much advising. This awkward meeting happened because you encouraged your daughter to do something that perhaps she wasn’t quite ready for. I would try Listening more and advising less. It’s really normal for your daughter to feel hurt and it’s also really normal for her friend not to manage his own friendships perfectly as he Navigates a huge change at a young age. Give them time to adjust to the new reality. Maybe their friendship will survive, maybe not - there’s often lots of flux at this age regardless due to different schools or interest.

[Anonymous]

Boys like sports, either she learns to like sports to have a shared interest or she moves on.

I don’t really know any girls that don’t like sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making this about your daughter and her needs. She needs to find new friends.

I would not indulge this but each to their own.

Why do you say this? OP has every right to be concerned about her daughter. Her daughter has basically invested time and concern into a friendship that she is now finding out to be based on a false premise. OP is right to figure out how to best guide her child of a tough to navigate situation.

It was not a false premise.