DD’s friend recently transistioned!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re 12. Friendships change. Even if her friend weren’t trans, the friendship may have changed or ended as they get into middle and high school. I’d start by pointing out those things.

I have a trans son. It’s hard for him to be close to early childhood friends sometimes because a lot of “girly” activities they did stemmed from him trying to fit in and do “girly” things to appear to be more feminine. A lot of that felt unnatural and sometimes even painful for him, so being with those friends and trying to recreate those bonds and activities brings back uncomfortable feelings. It isn’t anything the friends did, it’s just the circumstances. Also, reminiscing can be tricky because the memories come from a time when he wasn’t being his authentic self, and he’s not ready to relive those memories or look at photos of himself as a girl.

As the friend’s interests have changed and he feels open sharing them, your DS needs to realize that while the friend participated, he probably felt like that a lot over the years when they were doing lots of “girly” things. She can participate in what the friend wants or not, but he may not be open to doing feminine activities. It’s not so much that he feels like he has something to prove, but it’s more like he’s been conforming for so long, and now he’s free to explore the other side, so the pendulum has swung the other way. Eventually he’ll probably find some balance.

I know she’s 12 and everything revolves around her, which is normal for kids that age. However, this isn’t her life changing event, her trauma to live through, or her emotional crisis. She’s a supporting player from last season who’s possibly making a guest appearance this season. Being upset that she wasn’t allowed to be part of the transition is overlooking everything he experienced during the transition and makes it all about her instead of the friend. Sometimes being a supportive friend means stepping back while someone goes through a crisis.

Also, she’s probably mourning the friend she lost, rather than being able to celebrate the person who came out on the other side. It’s normal and natural to mourn that loss, but that person was a character the friend was playing and now he’s being his authentic self. Your daughter might not enjoy being good friends with him as much as who he used to be, and that’s okay.

It’s awesome that she wants to be supportive, she just needs to remember it’s about him, not her.

You may think you are being a good parent, because you are so accepting of his transition, but you are modeling very selfish behavior.

So what if you kid is trans, does that kid's emotional needs outweigh the emotional hurt he/she did by just cutting off an old friend with no explanation? If the OP's daughter's friend had cut her off for other reasons, we'd say he was being a jerk, but because it was a transition, it's all good? BS. And now his feelings outweigh hers? No. We are not talking about a girl who mistreated a trans friend here, we are talking about a nice person who is trying to support a friend even after he ditched her with no explanation. There are two sides to this story and BOTH matter equally. You do not get to dismiss the feelings of the female friends left behind as less important than a trans son's.

I just can't with people like you that think transition is the summit of the suffering Olympics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re 12. Friendships change. Even if her friend weren’t trans, the friendship may have changed or ended as they get into middle and high school. I’d start by pointing out those things.

I have a trans son. It’s hard for him to be close to early childhood friends sometimes because a lot of “girly” activities they did stemmed from him trying to fit in and do “girly” things to appear to be more feminine. A lot of that felt unnatural and sometimes even painful for him, so being with those friends and trying to recreate those bonds and activities brings back uncomfortable feelings. It isn’t anything the friends did, it’s just the circumstances. Also, reminiscing can be tricky because the memories come from a time when he wasn’t being his authentic self, and he’s not ready to relive those memories or look at photos of himself as a girl.

As the friend’s interests have changed and he feels open sharing them, your DS needs to realize that while the friend participated, he probably felt like that a lot over the years when they were doing lots of “girly” things. She can participate in what the friend wants or not, but he may not be open to doing feminine activities. It’s not so much that he feels like he has something to prove, but it’s more like he’s been conforming for so long, and now he’s free to explore the other side, so the pendulum has swung the other way. Eventually he’ll probably find some balance.

I know she’s 12 and everything revolves around her, which is normal for kids that age. However, this isn’t her life changing event, her trauma to live through, or her emotional crisis. She’s a supporting player from last season who’s possibly making a guest appearance this season. Being upset that she wasn’t allowed to be part of the transition is overlooking everything he experienced during the transition and makes it all about her instead of the friend. Sometimes being a supportive friend means stepping back while someone goes through a crisis.

Also, she’s probably mourning the friend she lost, rather than being able to celebrate the person who came out on the other side. It’s normal and natural to mourn that loss, but that person was a character the friend was playing and now he’s being his authentic self. Your daughter might not enjoy being good friends with him as much as who he used to be, and that’s okay.

It’s awesome that she wants to be supportive, she just needs to remember it’s about him, not her.

I disagree that " it’s about him, not her" -- basically the trans friend has not been a good friend and ditched someone who has been a good friend. It would have been thoughtful for the trans friend to make some sort of contact. Even to communicate that he was changing schools. I think both kids deserve to be treated kindly.

And I in turn, disagree with you. My guess is that you do not have a trans kid. Transitioning is extremely personal and emotional. Kids going through this frequently need time and space, and also want to start fresh in virtually every aspect of their lives, especially regarding school and friends. I think the PP gives excellent advice, and I’m also a parent of a trans kid.

Being a pre-teen and a teen is personal and emotional for EVERYONE. Teach your kid to be kind and thoughtful of the feelings of anyone who extends the hand of friendship. That would be a true gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure wish we had come up with a way to make girls feel totally fine about preferring conversations about baseball to JoJo and other “girly” topics rather than making them feel like they have to choose to identify as another gender to like “gendered” things.
Must be so confusing for kids.

It’s not about liking “boy” things versus “girl” things.
I am a “tomboy.” I am athletic. I am not girly. I do not like girly things. But I am a woman, physically, mentally, emotionally. I am also heterosexual. Just because I don’t like early things does not make me any less of a woman.
I have one brother that is homosexual. He’s a flamer, every gay man stereotype you can make. But he is a man. He has no desire to be a woman.
I have another brother who was born female. For years he identified as being a lesbian. Because trans people really didn’t exist in the 80s beyond drag queens. He was the epitome of angry butch dyke. About 10 years ago he transitioned - in his 40s. He is literally the happiest and most at peace as I have ever seen him. He is no longer angry. He is happy - truly happy for the first time in his life.
People know. They might not be able to put words to it. But they know when their body does not match their mind.

Good god your parents failed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure wish we had come up with a way to make girls feel totally fine about preferring conversations about baseball to JoJo and other “girly” topics rather than making them feel like they have to choose to identify as another gender to like “gendered” things.
Must be so confusing for kids.

It’s not about liking “boy” things versus “girl” things.
I am a “tomboy.” I am athletic. I am not girly. I do not like girly things. But I am a woman, physically, mentally, emotionally. I am also heterosexual. Just because I don’t like early things does not make me any less of a woman.
I have one brother that is homosexual. He’s a flamer, every gay man stereotype you can make. But he is a man. He has no desire to be a woman.
I have another brother who was born female. For years he identified as being a lesbian. Because trans people really didn’t exist in the 80s beyond drag queens. He was the epitome of angry butch dyke. About 10 years ago he transitioned - in his 40s. He is literally the happiest and most at peace as I have ever seen him. He is no longer angry. He is happy - truly happy for the first time in his life.
People know. They might not be able to put words to it. But they know when their body does not match their mind.

Good god your parents failed

Disagree. They raised three children who found their own path.

And you’re a jerk.