Possessive MIL?
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Anonymous
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I’m writing this for my husband and myself; we are at a total loss. We don’t know what to do to quell MIL’s possessiveness with our child, her only grandchild. No amount of time she spends with DC is ever enough. She complains about not seeing DC, so much so that we’ve gotten to the point that we have a physical paper calendar in which we write down date, time and activity when they are together, so there can be no arguments. If we visit every other week, she wants weekly. She tries to schedule the next visit while we are actively visiting. If she asks to have DC for the weekend and we agree to bring him on Saturday, she will ask why not Friday night.
And that is the most recent: DC will be spending the weekend and part of next week with MIL, at her request. She’s taking him to Hershey with his half cousin and great aunt (? DH’s aunt and her grandchild, not sure what that makes the cousin exactly) Originally the plan was for us to bring him Saturday and it’s just not satiating her; she desperately wants Friday too. Well, we would like to spend some time with him Friday after work before he leaves, and it really shouldn’t matter why, the original plan was Saturday, and she will have plenty of time with him after that. She’s acting like we are doing her some huge disservice by not giving in to her whims. We are ready for this possessive begging to stop. We don’t give in, so we don’t know why it continues or how to deal with it. I’ve tried the DCUM tried and true “That won’t work for us.” But it’s like she has an argument even for that! Can anyone who deals with this or similar offer any advice? |
Anonymous
| Sounds like my young kids. I say “Asked and answered. Stop asking.” |
Anonymous
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Tell her you're tired of the endless demands and since nothing is ever good enough for her anyway, Hershey is off and she can see him next month after camp/vacation/mandated period of separation.
I mean, subtle and even "no" aren't cutting it, so it's time to make things clear...she doesn't take your seriously. Make her. |
Anonymous
This. It’s awful that she keeps asking and whining. You need to make a big statement. Cancel the Hershey trip. Your kid will be perfectly fine. Make it clear that it’s because she’s not taking your requests to stop asking and whining. |
Anonymous
| Tell her if she doesn't stop asking the whole trip is off. And then call if off if she asks again. |
Anonymous
OP I don't know what a half cousin is. But your DH's aunt's grandchild is your son's second cousin. |
Anonymous
| Make your statement! Hershey trip is off! Tell her she is upsetting your household! Tell her you will make no more plans until she agrees to go for family counseling. For goodness sakes, it is your child, why does she have to have him so much? This is your husband’s job: just stop this! He needs to set boundaries! It is NOT her child. Every time she asks for more, cancel on the spot! You are the parents! This is insane! I would seriously consider moving out of area. She has major mental illness issues! TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHILD! |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't cancel the Hershey's trip but if you don't want Friday then I would tell her that it's Saturday or nothing.
If she starts complaining I would get angry with her and tell her that you've had enough and if she continues you will lesson the time she has him as it's too hard to please her and she is stressing your household. If she starts complaining just say "If this is going to be too hard then we might have to cancel the whole thing". If she continues whining then let her have it. The message may sink in. You've tried nice and polite and if this doesn't work sometimes you need to be a little harsher. She will likely act all hurt but just tell her that if she doesn't quit you'll end up spending less time with her because it's unpleasant. |
Anonymous
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01.28: This is only if you have done the nice version of next time she whines you say seriously to her that she needs to stop and that you appreciate the time she wants to put in with your child but she needs to back off, maybe in nicer words. Let her know her behaviour is stressing your family.
Say it calmly, nicely. If that doesn't work then get angry. |
Anonymous
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Some people are just wired to ask for more.
I would have DH have talk with her explaining that you and your wife have plans to spend time with your DC every week (mother/son reading, father/son learning how to bike) and while she may mean well, she's been asking parents to give up time with their child, she should not continue to do that and should not ask for more time. "We want to spend time with him" from the parents should be enough of an explanation. If she continues to beg, just say you have to go and need to stick with the plan. |
Anonymous
| Any other bizarre behaviors with MIL over the years? |
Anonymous
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OP! My own mother is like this; she will come up with a great idea or an outing that involves one of our DC. Great. But then, she'll begin with what I call the bargaining and pile more conditions and ideas so it all gets increasingly more complicated.
I've had to limit DC interactions and make my own plans then stick to every detail. Lay out exactly what works for you and then adhere to it. No changes. |
Anonymous
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My MIL sent cards saying, “Congratulations on ‘our’ new baby.” The originally said, “your,” but MIL would use white out to cover up the, “y.” If she was out of white out, she crossed out, “your,” and hand wrote, “our.”
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Anonymous
Barf. |
Anonymous
| How old is the child? Just curious. Is mil like this in other areas of her life? |