Big fish in a increasingly bigger pond - how to deal with perfectionist tendencies

[Anonymous]

So far in life, things have been pretty easy for my middle school daughter. Academics and sports have been a breeze - straight a student, always best on the team, selected by teachers for school awards etc. She is kind and has made friends easily. She always worked hard and was very methodical and thoughtful about overcoming challenges and setting goals. She was fine in new settings and willing to try new things. In short I never saw any red flags until now where everything feels tricky. As expected, as one gets older and better, she wanted to tryout for harder stuff. And she has hit a wall. She has lost interest in her favorite sports and any confidence she had evaporated. It is hard to see her so down on stuff that brought her a lot of joy in the past (and on herself). I worry about her entering high school and having an academic meltdown. She used to work hard at sports - running a lot, practice by herself in the yard - but now she feels gun shy. She also bemoans herself as the worst on her team, even though she probably is middle of the pack (and could get better with a good attitude).

I have read all the carol dweck, blessing of a skinned knee etc. and I can’t figure out how to get out of this place. Relaxed parenting seemed to have worked in the past. She took responsibility for what she wanted to do, we supported her and followed her lead and focused on values and experience, as opposed to achievements. We have always celebrated the instances where we felt she was a good teammate and person but it doesn’t seem to matter. She has also gotten really shy about making new friends on her teams (which may be a whole separate issue because I have prohibited insta and snap chat but I am holding my ground on those until she turns 14). And she doesn’t want to try new activities. All in all, this child doesn’t seem like herself.

I am really at a loss. I am pretty sure we should pull her back from travel sports even though the rec options aren’t great (and likely to keep her off high school teams) and hope she can recalibrate. She will likely go to a private high school and I am ruling out the rigorous ones that her counselors are recommending for places that feel a little gentler.

My older son, who everything comes less naturally to and was always so shy, is so much better adjusted - at least for now.

Anyway, I am not sure what I am asking but I just feel lost as a parent. TIA for any advice.

[Anonymous]

It’s better she gets over this now than in high school, college, grad school, or even in the workplace. It’s a good lesson to learn that the world is a big place full of talented people and working with people who are better than you makes you better, even if it is a tough pill to swallow as a kid.

[Anonymous]

That’s life. If she decides to focus on academic rather than sports, she will face similar (if not worse) competitions.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I think it will crush most high achievers to be off ramped from the competitive teams, best schools. I would make an appt with a therapist and have her go to a few sessions, and then do a couple joint ones to figure out the path forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So far in life, things have been pretty easy for my middle school daughter. Academics and sports have been a breeze - straight a student, always best on the team, selected by teachers for school awards etc. She is kind and has made friends easily. She always worked hard and was very methodical and thoughtful about overcoming challenges and setting goals. She was fine in new settings and willing to try new things. In short I never saw any red flags until now where everything feels tricky. As expected, as one gets older and better, she wanted to tryout for harder stuff. And she has hit a wall. She has lost interest in her favorite sports and any confidence she had evaporated. It is hard to see her so down on stuff that brought her a lot of joy in the past (and on herself). I worry about her entering high school and having an academic meltdown. She used to work hard at sports - running a lot, practice by herself in the yard - but now she feels gun shy. She also bemoans herself as the worst on her team, even though she probably is middle of the pack (and could get better with a good attitude).

I have read all the carol dweck, blessing of a skinned knee etc. and I can’t figure out how to get out of this place. Relaxed parenting seemed to have worked in the past. She took responsibility for what she wanted to do, we supported her and followed her lead and focused on values and experience, as opposed to achievements. We have always celebrated the instances where we felt she was a good teammate and person but it doesn’t seem to matter. She has also gotten really shy about making new friends on her teams (which may be a whole separate issue because I have prohibited insta and snap chat but I am holding my ground on those until she turns 14). And she doesn’t want to try new activities. All in all, this child doesn’t seem like herself.

I am really at a loss. I am pretty sure we should pull her back from travel sports even though the rec options aren’t great (and likely to keep her off high school teams) and hope she can recalibrate. She will likely go to a private high school and I am ruling out the rigorous ones that her counselors are recommending for places that feel a little gentler.

My older son, who everything comes less naturally to and was always so shy, is so much better adjusted - at least for now.

Anyway, I am not sure what I am asking but I just feel lost as a parent. TIA for any advice.

My kid is in ES and works hard at school and sports and fails to make it to the top many a time, especially in sports. Your daughter has just not had to face this earlier and is hitting the wall now, which other kids have hit earlier and worked at. I keep repeating to my daughter that hard work and practice is all that are within her control, the outcome and competition are out of her control.

[Anonymous]

I think middle school is the time when kids start to re-think their super serious academic and sports interests.

I have 2 kids with very serious extra curricular interests (one sport, one music) and both kind of relaxed a little as high school approached -- they seem more interested in down time and friends right now. I think this is fine - parents have to accept if that happens.

But I agree that a few sessions with a therapist could help her figure out what she really wants.

[Anonymous]

So maybe try some private lessons in the sport. These can build confidence and make her better.

[Anonymous]

DS kinda had this with his sport -- was told from 7th grade on that he would be a high D1 scholarship athlete. He would practice on his own for hours and hours and getting better seemed to really bring him joy.

In high school, stuff started to get real -- scouts watching him play, college coaches contacting him, and he kinda freaked out -- it attitude went to total s**t within a couple of weeks and practicing was suddenly a struggle every single say. He quit his sport just as he was finally getting where he had been working to be for years. It was hard for him and sad for us, but it was bringing him no joy at all, and we supported his decision. He's tried to play for fun since, but he just gets really, really angry after 10 minutes of play or practice. It's too bad.

[Anonymous]

We always had the motto, "shoot for upper-middle". Being the top isn't always so sunny, but more work, more pressure and stress- and honestly, my kids don't have the type A personality/drive for it. Upper middle is a more realistic goal and expectation, and I think overall for a more balanced life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We always had the motto, "shoot for upper-middle". Being the top isn't always so sunny, but more work, more pressure and stress- and honestly, my kids don't have the type A personality/drive for it. Upper middle is a more realistic goal and expectation, and I think overall for a more balanced life.

I may have to steal that motto!

[Anonymous]

OP, have you read about Imposter Syndrome? Sounds like that could be at play.

https://www.themuse.com/advice/5-different-types-of-imposter-syndrome-and-5-ways-to-battle-each-one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is in ES and works hard at school and sports and fails to make it to the top many a time, especially in sports. Your daughter has just not had to face this earlier and is hitting the wall now, which other kids have hit earlier and worked at. I keep repeating to my daughter that hard work and practice is all that are within her control, the outcome and competition are out of her control.

+1

That's also exactly what I said to my son and daughter.

Hard work and practice does not mean you will be successful. It only gives you a chance to be successful and it is NOT guarantee

Not working hard and practice and you can be sure that you will never be successful.

If your child can understand that, he/she will be fine in life.

Everyone wants to be the beast but not everyone wants to do what the beast does.