4-5 year age gap

[Anonymous]

Families with children that have an age gap of 4-5 years: How have the relationships been during the baby, elementary/middle and high school years? If we are able to have a second, it's looking like this will be the age gap (at a minimum) and I'm nervous. I worry about children being at different developmental stages their entire lives and not having anything in common or my husband and I always at different activities on weekends and never all together as a family. I know a lot comes down to personalities and individual families, but looking for some personal experiences.

[Anonymous]

Don’t overthink. Will be fine.

[Anonymous]

My good friend has a 4.5 year gap between her kids. At 10, she’s essentially a surrogate caregiver. It’s assumed she will carry the load as “such a good big sister”. She had to grow up fast. I can’t see them getting along much in the 10/15 age range. It probably all levels out in adulthood though.

[Anonymous]

I am 4.5 years apart from my brother and we have never had a relationship, even as kids. The age spread was always too big.

On top of that my parent's financial situation changed and they moved during our childhoods, so we don't even really share the same memories. I view myself as from New England. He came of age in Arizona. I remember barely getting by. He recalls always having lots of disposable income. It's like we grew up in different families with different parents.

[Anonymous]

My sister and I are six years apart. We didn't become close until she was in her late teens and I was out of college. I resented her presence when she was a baby, by the time she was in elementary school I was halfway through middle school, and when I was finishing high school she was just entering middle school... we didn't have a thing in common and I loved her but wasn't super interested in spending time with a little kid. I had my kids less than two years apart to avoid the age difference and she plans to do the same when she has kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I are six years apart. We didn't become close until she was in her late teens and I was out of college. I resented her presence when she was a baby, by the time she was in elementary school I was halfway through middle school, and when I was finishing high school she was just entering middle school... we didn't have a thing in common and I loved her but wasn't super interested in spending time with a little kid. I had my kids less than two years apart to avoid the age difference and she plans to do the same when she has kids.

However - I just want to add that as adults in our 20s and 30s, we are very close! She's my buddy and my life wouldn't be the same without her!

[Anonymous]

I have a 4 year gap between two of my brothers. I get along fine with them and have mostly positive memories of them as kids. But we were in different places at different times and that was ok.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'll go against the grain here. 4.5 age gap for us and at 4 and 8 they adore each other. Always have. I cant speak for older years but it's been perfect for our family.

[Anonymous]

5 years between my kids and they are getting along great. My husband does not like his brother who’s 2 years older and they barely ever talk. It’s really the personality rather than the age gap that contributes to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Not my family's spread, but one of my friends had a brother about 4 years older and they were SUPER close all through childhood, and seem to have stayed friends as adults. I think it relies on the older one being a big fan of having someone to look/after protect, which is really personality dependent.

[Anonymous]

Well, my boys are 2 and 6, and are mostly fine so far. Sure there is some sibling rivalry and squabbling over toys, but 6 yo is very sweet to his brother most of the time. He plays with him sometimes and does his own thing sometimes. I guess time will tell, but I do believe that older siblings personality sets the tone. Is your 1st child difficult?

[Anonymous]

5 year gap. Two DDs. It is what it is, so I try not to get caught up in thinking about the negative. I try to focus on anticipating what might help. It wasn't what I envisioned, but life intervened. It has benefits. I think the gap helps with rivalry issues. DD#1 was better able to understand why a baby demanded attention than a 2 or 3 y.o. The book "Sibilings without Rivalry" was really helpful for that as well. My DD's are at a PK-8 school and I think that helps, as well --- since they continue to have shared experiences for much longer. I also tried to cultivate some shared experiences. Both girls like theater and they have fun with that. They do different sports. And we limit the amount of activities to something that is reasonable for us parents and we stress family time --- shared dinner time, family game night, etc. DD#2 got the short end of stick a little here (DD#1 got to do way more activities), but she'll have us all alone for 5 years in high school. DD#1's friends that played well with DD#2 were invited back more often. I gave 0% tolerance to any of the "let's tease the annoying little sister" stuff from friends of DD#1 or DD herself. Also, tried to really milk the amount of time that DD#1 got to be a child and focus on child things. (Personality may have factored in here to our benefit.) Things are getting harder since DD#1 is hitting puberty, as she is less interested in "playing" and DD#2 is sad about that. Same thing has happened to other friends' kids who have a 3 year split though. DD#1 does think we are too easy on DD#2 --- which is probably true. We've mellowed in the 5 intervening years. DD#1 gets that --- not in the middle of the complaining, but mostly she gets it. Girls have called each other their best friend. I want to cultivate a good basis for adult friendships when they'll need the bond to deal with me as a cranky old lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Families with children that have an age gap of 4-5 years: How have the relationships been during the baby, elementary/middle and high school years? If we are able to have a second, it's looking like this will be the age gap (at a minimum) and I'm nervous. I worry about children being at different developmental stages their entire lives and not having anything in common or my husband and I always at different activities on weekends and never all together as a family. I know a lot comes down to personalities and individual families, but looking for some personal experiences.

Even if had kids closer in age, they might be at different activities and may not have anything in common. It’s a crapshoot. Enjoy the family you have.

[Anonymous]

My best friend growing up has a sister who is 6 years older than she is. They have always been really close. I think the key is to NOT expect the older one to become a mini-mom to the younger one. Let them be siblings.

But I also think a lot of this is very personality dependent. Her older sister really loved her and always looked out for her and just really cultivated a close relationship with her. That's very personality driven though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5 year gap. Two DDs. It is what it is, so I try not to get caught up in thinking about the negative. I try to focus on anticipating what might help. It wasn't what I envisioned, but life intervened. It has benefits. I think the gap helps with rivalry issues. DD#1 was better able to understand why a baby demanded attention than a 2 or 3 y.o. The book "Sibilings without Rivalry" was really helpful for that as well. My DD's are at a PK-8 school and I think that helps, as well --- since they continue to have shared experiences for much longer. I also tried to cultivate some shared experiences. Both girls like theater and they have fun with that. They do different sports. And we limit the amount of activities to something that is reasonable for us parents and we stress family time --- shared dinner time, family game night, etc. DD#2 got the short end of stick a little here (DD#1 got to do way more activities), but she'll have us all alone for 5 years in high school. DD#1's friends that played well with DD#2 were invited back more often. I gave 0% tolerance to any of the "let's tease the annoying little sister" stuff from friends of DD#1 or DD herself. Also, tried to really milk the amount of time that DD#1 got to be a child and focus on child things. (Personality may have factored in here to our benefit.) Things are getting harder since DD#1 is hitting puberty, as she is less interested in "playing" and DD#2 is sad about that. Same thing has happened to other friends' kids who have a 3 year split though. DD#1 does think we are too easy on DD#2 --- which is probably true. We've mellowed in the 5 intervening years. DD#1 gets that --- not in the middle of the complaining, but mostly she gets it. Girls have called each other their best friend. I want to cultivate a good basis for adult friendships when they'll need the bond to deal with me as a cranky old lady.

Thank you! I really appreciate some of the suggestions you mentioned here.