Getting affluent parents to spend their money

[Anonymous]

My parents are very frugal, and I am concerned that as they begin to need assistance, they will stay in their home but not agree to use any hired help. Should I hire an elder care consultant (at my own expense, obviously) to help with this problem? I would prefer that my parents spend their money on their own care, rather than having any left for me to inherit.

[Anonymous]

We are watching this same scenario play out on both sides of our family. In our situation, help was only accepted after months and months of badgering AND a nasty fall. But when they wanted help, we were ready and it happened quickly and easily.

[Anonymous]

Extremely common problem. And if they don't make arrangements while they can, you will have to do it quickly in the future (and they won't have any say in the facility/staff).

Sorry that I cannot advise you. Perhaps the consultant will have tips, since he/she has undoubtedly seen this before.

[Anonymous]

We hired a care manager for first my mother who passed in 2007 and now for my Dad.

She checks on them and communicates concerns and proposed solutions. Good to get a non-family viewpoint from someone who is experienced.

[Anonymous]

No ideas. My dad hurt his back trying to lift my mom who had fallen. She’s in a wheelchair. I hinted about in-home care now being necessary. I was told that would be too expensive. Meanwhile, they are planning a 35-day cruise.

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that they are competent adults, free to make their own (bad) decisions. (They are in their 60s, no cognitive issues, just some combination of denial and cheapness.) It just stresses me out to no end trying to do anything else and getting no where.

[Anonymous]

OP—how old are your parents and what is their health status at the moment?

[Anonymous]

71 and 74, good health and working (part time for mom), but mom is starting to ask the same questions over and over and says she's lost her sense of direction - even about N/S/E/W in Manhattan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:71 and 74, good health and working (part time for mom), but mom is starting to ask the same questions over and over and says she's lost her sense of direction - even about N/S/E/W in Manhattan

Where do they live - Manhattan?

How much money do they have?

Do you have power of attorney? Are you a signatory in their bank accounts etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:71 and 74, good health and working (part time for mom), but mom is starting to ask the same questions over and over and says she's lost her sense of direction - even about N/S/E/W in Manhattan

Okay, so right now you do not have a problem because they are in good health. And you have no idea what will happen in the future or how your parents will respond. At the moment, the only “problem” you have is your anxiety about how things *might* go. You’re more than welcome to consult someone for general advice about possible scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No ideas. My dad hurt his back trying to lift my mom who had fallen. She’s in a wheelchair. I hinted about in-home care now being necessary. I was told that would be too expensive. Meanwhile, they are planning a 35-day cruise.

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that they are competent adults, free to make their own (bad) decisions. (They are in their 60s, no cognitive issues, just some combination of denial and cheapness.) It just stresses me out to no end trying to do anything else and getting no where.

Wow, 60s is still relatively young. They could live for 30+ years, so they might need their money to last for a long time. Maybe they’re not being cheap, just smart in terms of making sure they’ll be able to support themselves for possibly a very long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No ideas. My dad hurt his back trying to lift my mom who had fallen. She’s in a wheelchair. I hinted about in-home care now being necessary. I was told that would be too expensive. Meanwhile, they are planning a 35-day cruise.

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that they are competent adults, free to make their own (bad) decisions. (They are in their 60s, no cognitive issues, just some combination of denial and cheapness.) It just stresses me out to no end trying to do anything else and getting no where.

Wow, 60s is still relatively young. They could live for 30+ years, so they might need their money to last for a long time. Maybe they’re not being cheap, just smart in terms of making sure they’ll be able to support themselves for possibly a very long time.

60s is not relatively young for many people at all. Virtually no person in their 60s lives 30+ years.

Everyone thinks they’re going to be that 90 year old who is just the toast of their assisted living facility, but the reality is that if you were diagnosed with dementia at 65 and it would not be considered early onset. And most people start slipping mentally for many years leading up to a dementia diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos ^

On my phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:71 and 74, good health and working (part time for mom), but mom is starting to ask the same questions over and over and says she's lost her sense of direction - even about N/S/E/W in Manhattan

Okay, so right now you do not have a problem because they are in good health. And you have no idea what will happen in the future or how your parents will respond. At the moment, the only “problem” you have is your anxiety about how things *might* go. You’re more than welcome to consult someone for general advice about possible scenarios.

yes, she does have a problem. research suggests the number 1 early sign of Alzheimers is losing one's sense of direction/getting lost in familiar places. I saw it first habd with own parent with Alzheimers. Had the same problem OP. It has been a nightmare at times. A case manager helped though they thought I was influencing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No ideas. My dad hurt his back trying to lift my mom who had fallen. She’s in a wheelchair. I hinted about in-home care now being necessary. I was told that would be too expensive. Meanwhile, they are planning a 35-day cruise.

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that they are competent adults, free to make their own (bad) decisions. (They are in their 60s, no cognitive issues, just some combination of denial and cheapness.) It just stresses me out to no end trying to do anything else and getting no where.

Wow, 60s is still relatively young. They could live for 30+ years, so they might need their money to last for a long time. Maybe they’re not being cheap, just smart in terms of making sure they’ll be able to support themselves for possibly a very long time.

60s is not relatively young for many people at all. Virtually no person in their 60s lives 30+ years.

Everyone thinks they’re going to be that 90 year old who is just the toast of their assisted living facility, but the reality is that if you were diagnosed with dementia at 65 and it would not be considered early onset. And most people start slipping mentally for many years leading up to a dementia diagnosis.

Well maybe they are trying to save their money. But bottom line, mom’s in a wheelchair and dad can no longer lift her. So, they are continuing as is.

[Anonymous]

Get on their checking account. Take over bill paying. Eventually that is what you have to do. You are then in charge. And you then have, the responsibility. I'm assuming you are good people. No problems with your siblings agreeing either.