Baby shower gift etiquette

[Anonymous]

I am going to a baby shower on Saturday for a friend. The “host” (one of my friend’s good friends) handled all the planning and just sent an email last night to remind the attendees about the shower and let us all know that we would each be expected to pay $60 to contribute toward the cost of the shower. First off, tacky, no? They should have mentioned this up front which is kind of frustrating, but I have never been asked to contribute to a shower in this way before.

To make it even more awkward, I bought the friend a $60 gift off her registry that I was planning to bring with me and give her. I know that she can already see I got it for her, so I am kind of stuck with giving it to her or she would know if I returned it. I am not even sure she knows that all her friends are paying for the shower so I don’t want to penalize her for it with a cheap gift. In her shoes I would rather have gifts vs. an expensive lunch, but maybe that’s just me.

Anyway, is this not super annoying and strange for a shower? Would you not give the gift and do something less expensive? This is not a friend I would normally spend $120 on... I typically spend more like $50-$75 on gifts depending on how close the friend is.

[Anonymous]

Very tacky and uncommon of the host to ask guests to defray the costs. I've hosted several
Showers and been to many and have never asked by anyone for money or have been asked for any for the shower. Friends have asked to contribute and sometimes brought dessert or another dish but totally voluntary and it expected.

[Anonymous]

Totally tacky. I would go through all past emails and texts I got about the shower to make sure this wasn't mentioned, and then tell the friend "This is the first I'm hearing about everyone having to pay $60 and quite frankly am shocked. Generally, to HOST an event means to pay for it. You really should have mentioned that you wanted each attendee to co-host so we could have decided whether or not we were interested in doing that."

I'd basically show up with my gift for my friend, and refuse to pay the $60 to the person trying to extort it. And I'd feel zero guilt. I bet if you reached out to a few other people they'd also be shocked.

[Anonymous]

Omg, that is beyond tacky. You absolutely should still give the gift to your friend. That is one of the reasons for the shower. As for whether you pay the host $60, that’s up to you. I would begrudgingly pay, and be pissed about it and really turned off. I doubt your friend knows that the “host” isn’t really hosting.

If the friend couldn’t afford to host, she shouldn’t have offered.

[Anonymous]

What kind of shower is this that costs $60/person to host?! I’ve hosted showers and made/bought all the food and decorations for $100-200 max. That is insane and maybe the tackiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

[Anonymous]

Send your regrets and bring the friend the gift later.

[Anonymous]

If your friend knows then she is not a good friend imo. I would text or email her and say another $60 is not in your budget right now, you are sorry to miss it but u would love to see her soon to give her your gift.

[Anonymous]

Totally tacky. I’d still show up with your gift and just play dumb if the host asks you for the $. The shower is for your friend, not the host, so not showing up would disappoint the guest of honor and she might not even know why. If the host presses you just say you didn’t know what the plan was so you bought a gift as was traditional. And that you’ll check your budget and get back to her on what you can contribute. Then don’t. Or give her $20 or whatever. That’s crazy!

[Anonymous]

I would feel awful if I was the expectant mother and found out about this. When I was pregnant my MIL’s friends invited me, MIL and a few of their friends to a restaurant for a “grandma shower”. When the end came they expected everyone to pay their own and I was mortified. If I had known, I would have slipped someone my card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send your regrets and bring the friend the gift later.

+1

[Anonymous]

Yes it's tacky. But apparently it's a fancy lunch, so just go with the mindset that you are spending the normal $60 for your friend, but also taking yourself and friend out to lunch. That makes the other $60 easier to swallow.

[Anonymous]

Wow so tacky. I would write the host and say you are so sorry, you weren’t aware that it’s a ticketed event, and it’s not in your budget. Drop off your friend’s Gift later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow so tacky. I would write the host and say you are so sorry, you weren’t aware that it’s a ticketed event, and it’s not in your budget. Drop off your friend’s Gift later.

But I feel like this is punishing the friend instead of the “host”. Go to the shower, bring your gift, and tell the “host” you’re not paying $60.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. So rude! And $60 x how many people? What kind of shower is this? Is the friend factoring in her own lunch as part of the costs?

If it really bugs you or money is tight, just claim a stomach bug, send your regrets tonight, and give your friend your (generous) gift separately.

[Anonymous]

Oh goodness no, that's so tacky. I've hosted a few baby showers and I've paid for the venue and decorations and food. That's what it means to be a host.

I would a) ignore, and b) if the host approaches you for $60, tell her that you had not been told in advance you were expected to pay for your own food and that you already spent your money on a baby shower gift.