How do you address your ILs?

[Anonymous]

How do you refer to your IL's when addressing a letter to them. Dear "Mom" and "Dad" seems weird to me because I barely know them. Dear "Mr. xxx" and "Mrs xxx" seems too formal. It would be a lot easier if my husband would just pick-up the phone and call them once in awhile or write to them but he doesn't. I hate being the messenger and gift giver for his family when I've only met them all a few times.

[Anonymous]

Why are you the messenger and gift giver if their son doesn't even bother? I doubt I would either in that situation.

Try their first names. You're all adults, right?

[Anonymous]

I was in your boat for a while, trying to mend fences between my husband and his family, acting as messenger and gift-giver. It didn't help that his mother and sister are huge martyrs, and although they don't call, email or make any attempt to contact us, they would try to guilt trip us about not being closer to our children. I'm Italian and Catholic, so the guilt thing worked on me for a long time. Long story short, none of them changed - they're still absentee and my husband still can't be bothered, so I eventually let it go. They're all goofy, husband included. Let them mend their own damn fences.

What was the question again? Right. I call them by their first names.

[Anonymous]

I asked them how they wanted to be addressed. Luckily, both said by first name. I realize in retrospect they could have said Mom and Dad, which I could not have done!

Now, I have no idea how to address my husband's grandparents. First names seem too informal given their ages (90s), but Grandpa and Grandma don't work for me either. So far I've dodged the issue by having my husband write all notes and cards to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked them how they wanted to be addressed. Luckily, both said by first name. I realize in retrospect they could have said Mom and Dad, which I could not have done!

Now, I have no idea how to address my husband's grandparents. First names seem too informal given their ages (90s), but Grandpa and Grandma don't work for me either. So far I've dodged the issue by having my husband write all notes and cards to them.

My MIL wanted to be called Mom, but I can't do it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My husband doesn't have a bad relationship with his parents, he's just a really bad communicator and he works a lot. His Mom is very kind to us so I feel that the least that I can do is write to her once in awhile and send some pictures of her grandchild. They are also in their 80s so I don't think first names are appropriate. The whole situation is just very awkward.

[Anonymous]

Ditto to first names.

[Anonymous]

I call them by their first names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband doesn't have a bad relationship with his parents, he's just a really bad communicator and he works a lot. His Mom is very kind to us so I feel that the least that I can do is write to her once in awhile and send some pictures of her grandchild. They are also in their 80s so I don't think first names are appropriate. The whole situation is just very awkward.

In your situation, would it be possible to call them Grandma and Grandpa?

[Anonymous]

My MIL said call her by her first name. But, now that we have kids, it's just Grandma/Grandpa. Works great!

[Anonymous]

I call my ILs by their first names, though I called them Mr. and Mrs. Last Name for about five years before my husband and I got married. Shortly after we got engaged, we were over at their house for dinner and my mother-in-law blurted out "youcancallusFirstNameandFirstNameifyouwantto" - it was pretty funny.

OP, in your situation, it sounds like the least awkward way to address them in a letter would be either to have it be from the kids and call them Grandma and Grandpa or simply to leave it without a salutation and just write a short note to go along with the photos.

[Anonymous]

First names. But I use the formal pronouns in the language we speak (like in French, vous instead of tu).

[Anonymous]

Mother Last Name and Father Last Name. DH does the same.

[Anonymous]

If your signing the entire family's names to the card I'd go w/ Mom and Dad/Grandma and Grandpa (as if DH were writing it and all of you signing).

If you are writing, first names.

I used Mr. and Mrs. XXX with my ILs for 7 years before we married, then avoided calling them anything for a few years afterwards. Finally after having kids I feel comfortable using their first names. It didn't make it easier that they never said "please call us by our first names". In fact, FIL referred to MIL as "Mrs. XXX" at dinner about 3 years after we married...about 10 years after I'd met them. Comfortable for everyone (sarcasm!).

[Anonymous]

Ah, that should be "if YOU'RE writing" not YOUR. Typing too fast at the end of the day. SOrry.