Talk to me about full time working mom & part time working dad

[Anonymous]

For many reasons- husband is scaling back to part time work. The decision was made because of our sons health issues & my job carries the benefits, pension ect. Ideally- I’d love to be the part time worker.
I’m having a tougher time adjusting to this than I thought I would. DH & DS have their fun routines now. They are bonding in a way I’ve never seen them bond before (which I get, is GREAT!!) but I feel like an accessory. Like I’m not only missing out but losing out.
Before anyone asks- yup in therapy & will bring this up @ next session.
But wanting to hear from others. Is this normal? Does it get better? Or is this just the price you pay for being gone more?

[Anonymous]

You have a problem on your hands. You want to be the part-time worker and as a result your going to resent the hell out of your DH because he doesn’t have a job that allows you to do this. I’d have an honest conversation with him about it and get him job searching right away, you can then scale back.

[Anonymous]

This is pretty normal when the part time worker is the mom. You just have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a problem on your hands. You want to be the part-time worker and as a result your going to resent the hell out of your DH because he doesn’t have a job that allows you to do this. I’d have an honest conversation with him about it and get him job searching right away, you can then scale back.

Yes- this is absolutely been talked about. This might be not the arrangement forever- but it is for right now. And as much as I want to be the one who is around more- I want a solid income with good benefits.

[Anonymous]

OP-
I can relate, but in a different way. I'm a lesbian mom who gave birth to both of our kids. And I'm the breadwinner. My wife was the one who has worked part-time and thus spent more time with our kids. My job provides a great income and health benefits.

At times, it's been challenging to want to have the flexibility and time with the kids. AND...this is what is best for our family. Of course I would love to be working part-time. But that's not an option for us. So I make sure that my time is well-spent. I don't do a ton of chores around the house because when I am home, I want to spend it with the kids. And I don't feel bad about not doing the grocery shopping or taking care of the bills or dealing with the small details of managing the house.

I love the relationship that my kids have with their mom. And I have a great relationship with my kids. We work really well together as a family.

So that's the long answer to say that you can figure this out. Please don't make it a pissing contest where you're counting the minutes your spouse spends with your kid. Embrace the fact that your kid has 2 parents who are engaged in his upbringing and all the messy parts. And when you're at therapy, it's okay to share that you have this fear of missing out. You want your spouse to be proactive and supportive of your time with your son. That's okay.

Hope this helps some.

[Anonymous]

Thanks!! And I didn’t mean to imply that this dynamic pony exists in mixed gender couples, although by the titie of my post I did. If I could rename I’d say ‘talk to me about shifting roles in a marriage’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a problem on your hands. You want to be the part-time worker and as a result your going to resent the hell out of your DH because he doesn’t have a job that allows you to do this. I’d have an honest conversation with him about it and get him job searching right away, you can then scale back.

Yes- this is absolutely been talked about. This might be not the arrangement forever- but it is for right now. And as much as I want to be the one who is around more- I want a solid income with good benefits.

And what concrete steps is DH taking to earn a solid income with good benefits. Because the resentment will start festering if he is not taking active steps.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to a man’s world? This is what they have faced for all of history. Not all of us are monsters who want to avoid the spouse and kids.

But you sacrifice to give your kids and spouse a good, comfortable life. You sure as sh#t don’t resent your spouse who is doing the heavy lifting with childcare. I’d say the same thing to any man who was holding grudges against his wife for spending more time with the kids and only working PT.

[Anonymous]

I never said I resented my husband. Just that I feel like I’m
Missing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to a man’s world? This is what they have faced for all of history. Not all of us are monsters who want to avoid the spouse and kids.

But you sacrifice to give your kids and spouse a good, comfortable life. You sure as sh#t don’t resent your spouse who is doing the heavy lifting with childcare. I’d say the same thing to any man who was holding grudges against his wife for spending more time with the kids and only working PT.

The difference is the OP wants to be the caregiver at home. Most men with SAHWs or wives with PT jobs do not want to be the primary caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never said I resented my husband. Just that I feel like I’m
Missing out.

Talk to your therapist....your post screams resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never said I resented my husband. Just that I feel like I’m
Missing out.

14:28 here:
I did not read your post as resenting your husband. You are struggling with some jealousy around how much time he is spending with ds as compared to how much time you have with ds. It's hard. Focus on where you can spend time together with ds and as a family. Quality of time really does matter more than quantity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never said I resented my husband. Just that I feel like I’m
Missing out.

Talk to your therapist....your post screams resentment

+1 agreed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to a man’s world? This is what they have faced for all of history. Not all of us are monsters who want to avoid the spouse and kids.

But you sacrifice to give your kids and spouse a good, comfortable life. You sure as sh#t don’t resent your spouse who is doing the heavy lifting with childcare. I’d say the same thing to any man who was holding grudges against his wife for spending more time with the kids and only working PT.

The difference is the OP wants to be the caregiver at home. Most men with SAHWs or wives with PT jobs do not want to be the primary caregiver.

+1

This is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never said I resented my husband. Just that I feel like I’m
Missing out.

Talk to your therapist....your post screams resentment

+1 agreed

Thanks for explaining my feelings.
My husband is amazing. Double the man that many affair hungry sports obsessed dudes are. He’s doing a great job & without him jumping in and taking over we’d be putting our kid in awful care that is dangerous. I respect what he is doing and miss my child. Do you all not have complicated feelings? IS it so impossible to imagine a situation where both parents want the same thing but don’t hate each other. Ffs- please go back to encouraging affairs and & talking about your dead bedrooms.