Is this unfair or reasonable?

[Anonymous]

I’m curious what others think of this. I need unbiased opinions, please!

DS has a big sports-related competition coming up. Last year, we invited all the grandparents, and did dinner afterwards. This year, it falls the Thursday before my parents are leaving for a nearly two-month vacation (they leave on the following Monday).

We had planned to spend a weekend day visiting them that week, to wish them farewell. However, we (our nuclear family) were invited out of town for something that’s important to DH, and he wishes we all attend, so we will be leaving Friday as soon as the kids get out of school, and won’t be back until late Sunday. So, Thursday will be my last opportunity to visit with my parents before they leave, and I’d like to just invite my parents only, so we all get some good one-on-one time with them at dinner after the competition, before they leave. Since I’m “taking one for the team” and going away for DH’s thing, I thought he could do the same and let us have this time without the interference of his parents.

But it DOES sound horrible and selfish, right? I need someone to tell me if it is before I present it to DH! Is it horrible to ask that, because our weekend will be spent doing X for YOU, can we please just invite only my parents so we can have some quality time with them before they leave? (Also, ILs haven’t yet been invited to the competition, FWIW.)

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think that sounds terribly unfair to both your ds and your inlaws. You could have a visit with only your parents the weekend before, or dinner out with only them Monday-Wednesday, then invite everyone to the event on Thursday.

[Anonymous]

I don't see a problem.

To H: we had planned on spending a weekend day visiting my parents, but that plan was upended by this out of town event. So could we please use the dinner on Thursday to just see my parents, since they won't see us or the kids for 2 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I think that sounds terribly unfair to both your ds and your inlaws. You could have a visit with only your parents the weekend before, or dinner out with only them Monday-Wednesday, then invite everyone to the event on Thursday.

This. It sounds very unfair and selfish to me, too. Everyone should be invited to DS's event.

[Anonymous]

First, your trade-offs with DH don’t extend to his parents. His parents being invited or not to the event is only partly about DH and is partly about his parents as grandparents. So, no, I don’t think your logic holds.

Second, are you sure your DH cares much whether his parents come to the event? Is he tallying things up the way you are?

Finally, can you see your parents for a day the weekend before?

[Anonymous]

There are some many parts of this that are ridiculous that it's hard to know where to start.

- That you, a presumably grown woman, need to wish your parents an in-person farewell because you won't see then for 2 months.

- That you could think of excluding your inlaws from something that they have previously been invited to so you can have "along time" with your parents.

- That you and your parents apparently can't master the intricacies of a cell phone or, heaven forbid, face time.

- That you use your attendance at a family event over the weekend as an excuse to exclude your inlaws.

- That you engage in bean-counting at a preposterous level.

You are in dire need of a good strong dose of maturity and/or kick in the ass. Preferably both.

[Anonymous]

Selfish. Who cares that your parents are leaving for two months? That’s not your inlaws or your DH’s fault. See your parents alone the previous weekend.

[Anonymous]

My parents live in Europe and we see them on average once a year. When they go on vacation somewhere we can't see them the week before or agonize over not inviting certain people.

So from my perspective this is ridiculous. They're not dying, or getting very risky surgery. They're not vacationing in a war zone, hopefully. Is this the longest time your parents will be away from you?!

Just do what you've always done, and invite both sets of parents.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't DS want both sets.of grandparents there?

[Anonymous]

What? Did you think that maybe your parents might like some alone time to pack and all that? You are not taking one for the team. They are off to their vacation, there are phones, video calls, viber, why are you keeping score? It is a sport event, what kind of infantile games are you playing? I bet your your parents don't care who is coming for a dinner after sports event. Taking one for the team? How so? I am totally at loss as to how are you counting and acting like your parents and ILS are twins and you have to make sure you grace them with independent attention? Honestly, to all pps posting similar issues, please stop counting, it is unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

I definitely find the whole “I need alone time to wish them farewell” a bit on then strange side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely find the whole “I need alone time to wish them farewell” a bit on then strange side.

I don’t want to go into defining details, but there is a reason they are going away for two months. It’s important to me to spend quality time with them at this tome.

But, I know it’s selfish. I guess I need to hear it.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I am local to my parents and would want to spend time with them and their grandkids, without in laws, before they left on a long trip. They would want that too. But the weekend before sounds like a better time than the weekday evening sports event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely find the whole “I need alone time to wish them farewell” a bit on then strange side.

I don’t want to go into defining details, but there is a reason they are going away for two months. It’s important to me to spend quality time with them at this tome.

But, I know it’s selfish. I guess I need to hear it.

If it's that important, you should stay with them this weekend. You're stretched too thin and complaining. Why don't you make an executive decision and stick to it? Accept that it won't make everyone happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely find the whole “I need alone time to wish them farewell” a bit on then strange side.

I don’t want to go into defining details, but there is a reason they are going away for two months. It’s important to me to spend quality time with them at this tome.

But, I know it’s selfish. I guess I need to hear it.

If it's that important, you should stay with them this weekend. You're stretched too thin and complaining. Why don't you make an executive decision and stick to it? Accept that it won't make everyone happy.

This is OP sand I think you hit the nail on the head. I feel like I have to please everyone: my parents, my husband, my in-laws, my kids. I wish someone throw me a bone and please ME for once. I’m tired of pleasing everyone. So yes, I would prefer it this way, and I guess that’s selfish. I just want to be selfish. But I’m posting this because I feel bad for that and just wanted permission, I huess. I know it’s wrong.