Tired of being in the middle between sibling and parent

[Anonymous]

Ever since our teen years, my mom and my brother have had a problematic relationship. My brother and I are now in our 50's and my dad passed away a few years ago. In my opinion, both my mom and brother have made big mistakes and haven't treated each other very well over the years but neither of them has ever been receptive to true self reflection or sincere apologies.

I was always the family peacemaker or at least the one who wasn't causing problems, but I am so, so tired of being caught in the middle. Each of them is really hurt and complains to me about the other. I suspect that both just want me to agree with them, but honestly it tears me up to keep hearing about it all because I love them both.

I know that for my own sanity I need to have boundaries and not get caught in the middle, but I feel bad for both of them. They are both lonely and sad and don't have many people to talk to and so they turn to me.

Has anyone else navigated this successfully? I'm not interested in advice to just cut them out of my life. I would like some practical advice about either how to help, or how to maintain my relationships without going crazy myself.

[Anonymous]

I was you. My mom and brother were like oil and water: they just didn't mix. My mom did almost all the complaining, while my brother was reticent and dealt with it by keeping his distance. When my mom became terminally ill, my brother flew across the country many times to help out and lend a hand when I was overwhelmed, but they never fully bridged their gap. I think my mom carried her grudge against him to her grave.

There was nothing that I could say or do that would make them self reflect and be more receptive of each other. I'd come to that conclusion and refused to engage with my mom when she raged about him. The only exception I made was during the last months of her life, when I'd just listen and occasionally gently point out how her perception of his seemingly uncaring behavior was wrong. I wanted her to feel heard, however skewed her perception was.

I know I'm not responsible for their relationship and I'm at peace with it. I'm sorry you're in this position. It's really corrosive.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation. It is very difficult. I have learned to set boundaries. I now have this on repeat when either of them complains:

“I’m sorry to hear you feel this way. I love you both, and so I can’t get involved.”

I know how hard this is because you care about them both but you have to think of your own sanity. My mom and brother both think they have been wronged and neither will admit to any wrong doing. It’s beyond any help I can provide.

[Anonymous]

Tell them both: "Mom/bro, this has to stop. I'm telling bro/mom also. If you need to complain about each other, you need to do so with someone else. I can't handle it any more, and, frankly, I shouldn't have to. If you want to improve your relationship with bro/mom, I'd suggest going to a therapist who is actually trained to help--I'm not that person."

[Anonymous]

Thank you. It helps just to vent and to hear from others. I appreciate your empathy and your suggestions.

[Anonymous]

This is a great book about boundary setting in relationships, and it specifically deals with relationship "triangles."

https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Intimacy-Womans-Courageous-Relationships/dp/006091646X