Grandma is causing conflict over grandson’s birthday

[Anonymous]

My mother is having a very hard time adjusting to how our son’s birthday will be celebrated this year. He’s in first grade and we’ve decided to take a cue from other parents who are downsizing their kids’ birthdays to smaller activity-focused birthdays, I.e. invite a few friends out for bowling and pizza or fishing at a local lake. We just think we are past the big expensive party with the whole class plus every available relative. DH is totally on board with this too.

My mother, the drama queen, is now insisting his birthday will not be celebrated properly and that she should be at any and all parties. Worse, I told her that we may be visiting my in-laws the weekend before DS’s birthday. (Not for his birthday, mind you.) Well, she blew a gasket and said if MIL will get to throw a separate big bash for DS by golly then she should too. MIL will be doing no such thing. In fact, MIL is not a scorekeeper like my mom. I’m starting to think my mother is developing some age-related mental issues. She’s in her early 70s and demonstrating some anxiety and paranoia.

I appreciate my mother’s interest in celebrating DS’s birthday. She is welcome to buy him a fun cake and take him out. But he is getting older and seems most interested in other things. The score keeping and imaginary slights are becoming insufferable. I feel like the only thing that could make her happy would be lying about any plans MIL does or doesn’t have.

[Anonymous]

Why not just invite your mom to his party? Seems simple to me.

[Anonymous]

Have her come over for a family birthday dinner+cake celebration. If she REALLY wants to tag along and watch him bowl or fish or whatever, you could let her. But also tell her point-blank that your MIL is not having a party.

[Anonymous]

Have her come to his party. What's the big deal? The kids won't care. It's nice she wants to be part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not just invite your mom to his party? Seems simple to me.

OP here. The thing is there really wouldn’t be an actual party. It would be him hanging out with a few friends fishing at a park or even watching a movie, we’re thinking. I remember that by a certain age when I was a kid grandparents weren’t at every birthday. Maybe they came over and we all went out to dinner and got presents. But they didn’t join us for a pool party or at the bowling alley. Maybe the WWII generation wasn’t all that crazy when it came to grandkids birthdays to begin with.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why you can't have a family dinner and invite her to that?

I have a DD turning 7 this summer and her party is at hyperkids with the 10 kid package. I have no intention of inviting my Mom or my inlaws to that but we will go out to dinner as a family and then have cake and sign happy bday at home and they will give her her presents then.
Not doing any kind of celebration with family seems weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just invite your mom to his party? Seems simple to me.

OP here. The thing is there really wouldn’t be an actual party. It would be him hanging out with a few friends fishing at a park or even watching a movie, we’re thinking. I remember that by a certain age when I was a kid grandparents weren’t at every birthday. Maybe they came over and we all went out to dinner and got presents. But they didn’t join us for a pool party or at the bowling alley. Maybe the WWII generation wasn’t all that crazy when it came to grandkids birthdays to begin with.

Yeah, if you are having a small group of boys for an activity, it’s weird to have Grandma “join the fun.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why you can't have a family dinner and invite her to that?

I have a DD turning 7 this summer and her party is at hyperkids with the 10 kid package. I have no intention of inviting my Mom or my inlaws to that but we will go out to dinner as a family and then have cake and sign happy bday at home and they will give her her presents then.
Not doing any kind of celebration with family seems weird.

Op again. This is what I was expecting to do but she is very tit for tat and thinks MIL will one up her with a better party with a whole slew of people.

She has a very specific idea of what a party should be in her mind. We are two months out from planning anything and she is getting very indignant over who gets what.

[Anonymous]

Is she local?

Can you invite her for cake at your house the day (or weekend) after the party? That's what I would do, because even as kids get older and only have friend parties, our family always does a special family dinner and birthday cake to celebrate.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell her she gets a dinner out and cake, there is no big party from anyone and you aren’t doing that this year. And then I’d say “Mom, drop it. Henry wants to have a movie and popcorn with 3 friends. It’s not a family affair. I need you to let this go, we are doing what works for us and DS.”

[Anonymous]

Just have her come watch them fish. Problem solved. Sounds like you are causing just as much conflict as she is. He's only in first grade, he doesn't dislike grownups yet.

[Anonymous]

Unless she's wants to play and talk to your son during his event with friends, why can't you invite her? It's not weird at all, and she'll see for herself that it's not a real party. The alternative is get together as a family and have a nice dinner.

I get that your mother can be hard to manage sometimes, but here the solutions are staring at you in the face.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. Here is something that we thought of too late, but it was great in the later years for our similar relative: suggest she start a tradition of taking the birthday child on a one-on-one special celebration like ice cream, a movie, lunch, paddle boats, an amusement park, a puppet show, the theatre, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is having a very hard time adjusting to how our son’s birthday will be celebrated this year. He’s in first grade and we’ve decided to take a cue from other parents who are downsizing their kids’ birthdays to smaller activity-focused birthdays, I.e. invite a few friends out for bowling and pizza or fishing at a local lake. We just think we are past the big expensive party with the whole class plus every available relative. DH is totally on board with this too.

My mother, the drama queen, is now insisting his birthday will not be celebrated properly and that she should be at any and all parties. Worse, I told her that we may be visiting my in-laws the weekend before DS’s birthday. (Not for his birthday, mind you.) Well, she blew a gasket and said if MIL will get to throw a separate big bash for DS by golly then she should too. MIL will be doing no such thing. In fact, MIL is not a scorekeeper like my mom. I’m starting to think my mother is developing some age-related mental issues. She’s in her early 70s and demonstrating some anxiety and paranoia.

I appreciate my mother’s interest in celebrating DS’s birthday. She is welcome to buy him a fun cake and take him out. But he is getting older and seems most interested in other things. The score keeping and imaginary slights are becoming insufferable. I feel like the only thing that could make her happy would be lying about any plans MIL does or doesn’t have.

What about a little honesty here? Tell your mother that her score keeping behavior and getting all torqued up about things like a child's birthday party is really upsetting to you and not ok. Tell her you want to talk about why this is happening. Tell her you want to get to the root of it. What is she afraid of? Just call her out, again and again.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, there's no formal party this year. Larlo doesn't want one and he's old enough to decide. We're taking some of his friends fishing instead. If you want to come sit by the lake and keep me company while I supervise the boys, you're more than welcome." (I'm guessing her answer will not be a yes).