Grandma is causing conflict over grandson’s birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, there's no formal party this year. Larlo doesn't want one and he's old enough to decide. We're taking some of his friends fishing instead. If you want to come sit by the lake and keep me company while I supervise the boys, you're more than welcome." (I'm guessing her answer will not be a yes).

This is of course the correct answer but it sounds like OP doesn't want her there at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just invite your mom to his party? Seems simple to me.

OP here. The thing is there really wouldn’t be an actual party. It would be him hanging out with a few friends fishing at a park or even watching a movie, we’re thinking. I remember that by a certain age when I was a kid grandparents weren’t at every birthday. Maybe they came over and we all went out to dinner and got presents. But they didn’t join us for a pool party or at the bowling alley. Maybe the WWII generation wasn’t all that crazy when it came to grandkids birthdays to begin with.

So what? You will be there, dad will be there, who cares if there's another adult? Who cares how it was when you were a kid or what others are doing? None of that matters. It's such a small ask. You seem petty to dig in your heels about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is having a very hard time adjusting to how our son’s birthday will be celebrated this year. He’s in first grade and we’ve decided to take a cue from other parents who are downsizing their kids’ birthdays to smaller activity-focused birthdays, I.e. invite a few friends out for bowling and pizza or fishing at a local lake. We just think we are past the big expensive party with the whole class plus every available relative. DH is totally on board with this too.

My mother, the drama queen, is now insisting his birthday will not be celebrated properly and that she should be at any and all parties. Worse, I told her that we may be visiting my in-laws the weekend before DS’s birthday. (Not for his birthday, mind you.) Well, she blew a gasket and said if MIL will get to throw a separate big bash for DS by golly then she should too. MIL will be doing no such thing. In fact, MIL is not a scorekeeper like my mom. I’m starting to think my mother is developing some age-related mental issues. She’s in her early 70s and demonstrating some anxiety and paranoia.

I appreciate my mother’s interest in celebrating DS’s birthday. She is welcome to buy him a fun cake and take him out. But he is getting older and seems most interested in other things. The score keeping and imaginary slights are becoming insufferable. I feel like the only thing that could make her happy would be lying about any plans MIL does or doesn’t have.

What about a little honesty here? Tell your mother that her score keeping behavior and getting all torqued up about things like a child's birthday party is really upsetting to you and not ok. Tell her you want to talk about why this is happening. Tell her you want to get to the root of it. What is she afraid of? Just call her out, again and again.

Im going to have to do this. A big part is that she lives farther away than the in laws but has it in her mind that they get to see DS every weekend. We see my in-laws maybe once every 2-3 months. They are very busy and still work. My mom is retired and has a lot of time to dream up slights and competitions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, there's no formal party this year. Larlo doesn't want one and he's old enough to decide. We're taking some of his friends fishing instead. If you want to come sit by the lake and keep me company while I supervise the boys, you're more than welcome." (I'm guessing her answer will not be a yes).

This is of course the correct answer but it sounds like OP doesn't want her there at all.

I'm guessing Grandma won't want to come sit by a lake out in the buggy summer heat and watch a bunch of little boys fish without the mention of a birthday. She wants to attend a big formal party and blow out candles.

[Anonymous]

Mom, " the score keeping and imaginary slights are becoming insufferable". Say it

But make sure there is absolutely no need to lie about "any plans MIL does or doesn’t have".

And then, in the future, don't share so much with your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is having a very hard time adjusting to how our son’s birthday will be celebrated this year. He’s in first grade and we’ve decided to take a cue from other parents who are downsizing their kids’ birthdays to smaller activity-focused birthdays, I.e. invite a few friends out for bowling and pizza or fishing at a local lake. We just think we are past the big expensive party with the whole class plus every available relative. DH is totally on board with this too.

My mother, the drama queen, is now insisting his birthday will not be celebrated properly and that she should be at any and all parties. Worse, I told her that we may be visiting my in-laws the weekend before DS’s birthday. (Not for his birthday, mind you.) Well, she blew a gasket and said if MIL will get to throw a separate big bash for DS by golly then she should too. MIL will be doing no such thing. In fact, MIL is not a scorekeeper like my mom. I’m starting to think my mother is developing some age-related mental issues. She’s in her early 70s and demonstrating some anxiety and paranoia.

I appreciate my mother’s interest in celebrating DS’s birthday. She is welcome to buy him a fun cake and take him out. But he is getting older and seems most interested in other things. The score keeping and imaginary slights are becoming insufferable. I feel like the only thing that could make her happy would be lying about any plans MIL does or doesn’t have.

Let her. He’ll probably be ok with it. Why does that bother you? You can still do your/his thing.

[Anonymous]

Does your son want a party? If yes, let her give him one. What is the big deal? This sounds more about you than your child. I don't get the big parties early on. We skipped them and did the big ones in elementary school when kids can remember, enjoy and appreciate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, there's no formal party this year. Larlo doesn't want one and he's old enough to decide. We're taking some of his friends fishing instead. If you want to come sit by the lake and keep me company while I supervise the boys, you're more than welcome." (I'm guessing her answer will not be a yes).

This is of course the correct answer but it sounds like OP doesn't want her there at all.

I'm guessing Grandma won't want to come sit by a lake out in the buggy summer heat and watch a bunch of little boys fish without the mention of a birthday. She wants to attend a big formal party and blow out candles.

Well you tell her this it. She can come or not. At least OP didn’t exclude then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is having a very hard time adjusting to how our son’s birthday will be celebrated this year. He’s in first grade and we’ve decided to take a cue from other parents who are downsizing their kids’ birthdays to smaller activity-focused birthdays, I.e. invite a few friends out for bowling and pizza or fishing at a local lake. We just think we are past the big expensive party with the whole class plus every available relative. DH is totally on board with this too.

My mother, the drama queen, is now insisting his birthday will not be celebrated properly and that she should be at any and all parties. Worse, I told her that we may be visiting my in-laws the weekend before DS’s birthday. (Not for his birthday, mind you.) Well, she blew a gasket and said if MIL will get to throw a separate big bash for DS by golly then she should too. MIL will be doing no such thing. In fact, MIL is not a scorekeeper like my mom. I’m starting to think my mother is developing some age-related mental issues. She’s in her early 70s and demonstrating some anxiety and paranoia.

I appreciate my mother’s interest in celebrating DS’s birthday. She is welcome to buy him a fun cake and take him out. But he is getting older and seems most interested in other things. The score keeping and imaginary slights are becoming insufferable. I feel like the only thing that could make her happy would be lying about any plans MIL does or doesn’t have.

What about a little honesty here? Tell your mother that her score keeping behavior and getting all torqued up about things like a child's birthday party is really upsetting to you and not ok. Tell her you want to talk about why this is happening. Tell her you want to get to the root of it. What is she afraid of? Just call her out, again and again.

Im going to have to do this. A big part is that she lives farther away than the in laws but has it in her mind that they get to see DS every weekend. We see my in-laws maybe once every 2-3 months. They are very busy and still work. My mom is retired and has a lot of time to dream up slights and competitions.

Hi OP, I am in a very similar position in my life right down to the anxious/paranoid mother and closer inlaws who are v busy. I have a 7 year old son and I honestly don't think he would mind if grandma was at whatever small birthday event we hosted for him, although he would probably ignore her most of the time.

How I've dealt with my mom being so hyper focused on when the inlaws are visiting or vice versa is to simply stop telling her anything about them at all. This has caused our relationship to become more superficial in some ways but, honestly, the stress and annoyance of hearing her complaints and tit for tat competition dynamic was no longer worth it for me as I am busy and annoyed enough already. Try to remind yourself it is a blessing that she is so interested and in love with your son, but try to back away mentally from her if you can. Thats my advice!

[Anonymous]

I think it's cruel to exclude your mom from celebrating her grandchild at each event. What's wrong with giving her the option to? I'm really close to my parents, though. Can't imagine not having them there for everything.

[Anonymous]

I remember when my kids were younger and had birthdays at some bouncy venue, some hosts invited grandparents, some didn't. If at house with just friends, you might be busy keeping the kids busy to cater to your mom's whims. And whims she has clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's cruel to exclude your mom from celebrating her grandchild at each event. What's wrong with giving her the option to? I'm really close to my parents, though. Can't imagine not having them there for everything.

My parents were awful at kids parties. They couldn’t hang back and watch. They had to be involved in everything, even jumping in during party games. It wasn’t cute, and it was rude to the other guests. After a couple times, our kids no longer wanted them at their friend parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why you can't have a family dinner and invite her to that?

I have a DD turning 7 this summer and her party is at hyperkids with the 10 kid package. I have no intention of inviting my Mom or my inlaws to that but we will go out to dinner as a family and then have cake and sign happy bday at home and they will give her her presents then.
Not doing any kind of celebration with family seems weird.

Op again. This is what I was expecting to do but she is very tit for tat and thinks MIL will one up her with a better party with a whole slew of people.

She has a very specific idea of what a party should be in her mind. We are two months out from planning anything and she is getting very indignant over who gets what.

Oh good Lord.

The only thing to do here is hold the line - I can't BELIEVE this is two months away. That's nuts.

Here's a script - "Mom, we are having a family dinner, cake, and presents on X date. I hope you can come." and just refuse to engage on the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her come to his party. What's the big deal? The kids won't care. It's nice she wants to be part of it.

+1 ...why wouldn't you want her there?

[Anonymous]

There is literary too many events in the US calendar and in each families calendar to be throwing a fit about EVERY SINGLE ONE. And people are adding every single school event! This is insanity. Do you know how my birthday was celebrated back in Europe? Happy birthday, here is a candy bar. When I was in the 8th grade my parents let me have a party with my friends. Grandma was not invited to our dance 80s style party. My parents left for the village house for the night!
Today people are being held hostage(at least that is what dcum says) about non stop slights and events. Op is a grown woman who can do what she wants without having to answer to her mom and to dcum. I am sure she has reasons for not wanting grandma there. People need to stop being bullies on dcum, how about respect choices. OP, tell your mom that her keeping score is not a behavior you can put up with. What next thing you know grandma is hurt she wasn't invited to 9 30 Club???