Parenting when one spouse has chronic pain

[Anonymous]

My DH has chronic back pain. I already do the majority of the work at home. I do all drop offs for our child (age 4). I do pick up 3x per week, and usually take our child to a play group or activity, so if I pick up at 6, we do not come home until 7 or 7:30. My DH is in charge of cooking or otherwise procuring dinner but does not cook nightly - sometimes it is leftovers and sometimes we order out, and sometimes we forage on our own. Regardless of whether he cooks, I do all the dishes, as well as laundry (mine and DC's) and general default parent activities and running the house. DH is in charge of putting DS in the shower and getting him out and drying him off. I do books and bedtime.

Yesterday, I picked up DC at 6, took him to an activity until 7:30 and came home. DH didn't cook, and that was fine bc I had made some food ahead of time over the weekend. DH put DS in the shower and got him out. That was the totality of his household contribution yesterday.

Today he tells me that I don't have enough regard for him when he is in pain.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do here. Is it really my fate that when his back acts up (often) he can do nothing at all?

How do people manage when their spouse has chronic pain and cannot do their share?

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your tough situation. As long as your DH is taking reasonable steps to try and improve his situation (following doc advice, etc.) you have to try to accept that he is doing the best he can and that may be hard on you. Some suggestions to improve things:

1. You are doing too much in the evenings with your kid. 3 nights a week would be way too much even without the issues with DH. Go straight home at least all but one night and then you will have less stress/extra evening time at home.

2. Figure out what things need to be done that DH can do even when he is not doing as well. Are there things that need to be managed online, bill paying, etc.? Can he do some of the books at night?

3. If at all possible outsource some of the housework.

4. Talk to DH and ask what he thinks is reasonable for you to expect from him. (If he has good days and bad days, maybe he cooks and does dishes those days and you feel less resentful on those days when he can do neither).

[Anonymous]

Yes, it might be your fate. In sickness and in health, right? Nobody has the right to lifelong good health and it's not something adults should expect. If you get it be grateful because it isn't the norm.

My DH and I have both gone through times of illness and chronic issues and had to take on more than we perceived to be our "share". The advice to cut back overall to-do lists is good advice.

I found it much less frustrating when he was proactively working on his issues. I eventually resolved a lot of my pain through physical therapy combined with acupuncture, and the kids getting bigger so I didn't have to pick them up anymore. Back pain is tough but depending on the issue, he may be able to make some progress on it. Even if he doesn't contribute much around the house, making an effort for his health might help you feel better about this.

A four year old does not need activities 3 nights a week.

[Anonymous]

There’s a lot of treatments for back pain and if he’s in this much pain this frequently, I think you have the right to be somewhat involved in consideration of treatment options. I know several people with serious, debilitating back pain that have been greatly helped with things like daily swimming, yoga, acupuncture, or, for some, surgery.

[Anonymous]

If he had cancer, would you hold it against him? A lot of this likely boils down to whether you think his pain is real, whether you think it’s as debilitating as he claims and whether you think he’s doing his best to deal with/fix the problem...

[Anonymous]

I have chronic back pain. It’s horrible. I am totally unreliable. Thankfully we redesigned our home life to help everyone.

[Anonymous]

I am currently in this situation- I have a chronic illness and have been hospitalized 5 times in 7 months. My husband has had to pick up more than double his “fair share” and I feel so guilty about it. He rarely complains but will periodically hit a wall. My best advice is to communicate with your husband every single day. He needs to be acknowledging all of the things you do, and you need to be acknowledging how worried you are about him. My husband will say “I need a break.” Or “It would make me very happy to do _____ this weekend.” If he is communicating, its way easier to make those things happen than if he just waits for me to notice that he is struggling. My husband also carved out 2-3 specific chunks of “me time” a week. He plays tennis on Sunday mornings while my parents take the kids. He stops at his favorite spot for take out on Thursdays and we eat a late dinner from there. Etc. it’s no picnic but it’s in sickness and in health. Don’t shy away from stating what you need to keep going.

[Anonymous]

He’s looking into back surgery this summer. I’d like to hire help if that happens. I take my son to activities bc we both enjoy it and it gives DH downtime.

[Anonymous]

I also have chronic pain related to my back as well as traumatic injuries and an illness. I am young and it is rough, especially knowing things tend to get worse with age. There are days I am almost totally crippled and making it to the couch a victory. Other days I am able to run races, cook, and host parties. We are both grateful for what I can do when i can but that it can’t be counted on-we outsource, streamline, and tag team. We do 1-2 days meal prep and also try to outsource.

Start with sleep and pain control so hopefully he feels better and more up to getting better via PT. I would tell him to do lots of PT. Everyone I’ve known has had more luck with that and anti-inflammatories than surgery. In some cases surgey made it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s looking into back surgery this summer. I’d like to hire help if that happens. I take my son to activities bc we both enjoy it and it gives DH downtime.

Three weeknights a week for a four year old getting him home til 7:30 is too much. Move him to weekend activities and clear up your evenings. Your husband can play a board game or read to him while you catch up on chores or prep dinner. If he is having a bad day, have your child help you prep dinner, he can play using nylon knife if he is mature enough, stir a marinade and set the table.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't do activities 3 nights a week how will her chilfbe engaged or entertained. If my kid isn't playing with other children it means I have to play. I don't enjoy that.

I think cutting activities would cause the op to have more resentment for her husband because a person in pain isn't going to want to play also.

[Anonymous]

Stop taking your kid to activities after pick up use paper plates. Would you rather be the one with the pain? Is he following doctors orders?

[Anonymous]

At age 4 my kids were asleep at 7:30p, not getting home from activities.

[Anonymous]

DH would never play board games with DS. Their bonding time is to sit on the porch and watch their iPads. I much prefer to take him to the playground and meet up with friends. He gets to practice riding his scooter and his bike. He participated in a class he enjoys.

[Anonymous]

Have your DH read The Mind Body Connection by Dr Sarno now before he gets surgery.

And our DS is in bed at 730 at age 4.5, not getting home from activities.