Parenting when one spouse has chronic pain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the diagnosis for the back pain?

+1 on this. Does he need to lose weight or strengthen his back? Find the cause and start there. Please don't jump to surgery. Try an interventional pain specialist (not one prescribing pills) as they can do minimally invasive procedures that can help some people avoid surgery if that's the path you're headed down.

He has degenerative disc disease. It’s very advanced. He’s been on pain management for years. He hasn’t done physical therapy or yoga or anything holistic. He’s ruled out surgery for years bc of the poor rates of success. He’s not at all overweight and in decent shape otherwise.

I don’t see how paying bills is a task. Our bills are on autopay. I think it would be great for him to acknowledge his inability to consistently contribute and say “hey how about I hire a cleaner, manage her schedule and remember to have cash on hand to pay her weekly”. Or “how about I research meal delivery options for us?” These are mental load tasks. Would be great if he took those on.

OP, have you said to him what you just wrote to us here? Suggested that you would appreciate his researching and hiring a cleaner, look into meal delivery, etc.? Or are you hoping he will come up with those ideas on his own--that he'll think of them himself? Please just talk to him if you haven't already, or talk again, and ask him specifically to do those tasks. When he's having a better day than most days, sit down and talk about this if you can do it without rancor.

If you haven't done that, but are waiting for him to "be thoughtful enough to SEE that I need help" or whatever, you're only going to build up resentment toward him. I do get it--it would be great if he were more of a partner and more aware of how much is on your shoulders, without your having to feel you're begging for help; however, people with chronic conditions can't necessarily achieve that. They often are struggling just to muddle through things day to day without screaming how much they hate their own bodies. Thinking of ways to improve how the household runs would be great but he simply may not be able to think much beyond tonight's shower for your kid and a collapse onto the bed.

Ask for what you want. Have a list of varied, alternative tasks he could take on that will make him feel he's contributing. And as PPs say, outsource all you can, especially meals, shopping and housework. Try to focus on the person you married and why you love that person. A chronic condition is like a third person in your marriage, who gets between you and that man you married. You have to choose not to let that third wheel hurt the marriage, and being very open about what you want and need from him--and compromising, based on what he can actually do--is part of preventing harm to your marriage from the pain he can't avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At age 4 my kids were asleep at 7:30p, not getting home from activities.

+1. And the household was calm and relaxed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the diagnosis for the back pain?

+1 on this. Does he need to lose weight or strengthen his back? Find the cause and start there. Please don't jump to surgery. Try an interventional pain specialist (not one prescribing pills) as they can do minimally invasive procedures that can help some people avoid surgery if that's the path you're headed down.

He has degenerative disc disease. It’s very advanced. He’s been on pain management for years. He hasn’t done physical therapy or yoga or anything holistic. He’s ruled out surgery for years bc of the poor rates of success. He’s not at all overweight and in decent shape otherwise.

I don’t see how paying bills is a task. Our bills are on autopay. I think it would be great for him to acknowledge his inability to consistently contribute and say “hey how about I hire a cleaner, manage her schedule and remember to have cash on hand to pay her weekly”. Or “how about I research meal delivery options for us?” These are mental load tasks. Would be great if he took those on.

OP, have you said to him what you just wrote to us here? Suggested that you would appreciate his researching and hiring a cleaner, look into meal delivery, etc.? Or are you hoping he will come up with those ideas on his own--that he'll think of them himself? Please just talk to him if you haven't already, or talk again, and ask him specifically to do those tasks. When he's having a better day than most days, sit down and talk about this if you can do it without rancor.

If you haven't done that, but are waiting for him to "be thoughtful enough to SEE that I need help" or whatever, you're only going to build up resentment toward him. I do get it--it would be great if he were more of a partner and more aware of how much is on your shoulders, without your having to feel you're begging for help; however, people with chronic conditions can't necessarily achieve that. They often are struggling just to muddle through things day to day without screaming how much they hate their own bodies. Thinking of ways to improve how the household runs would be great but he simply may not be able to think much beyond tonight's shower for your kid and a collapse onto the bed.

Ask for what you want. Have a list of varied, alternative tasks he could take on that will make him feel he's contributing. And as PPs say, outsource all you can, especially meals, shopping and housework. Try to focus on the person you married and why you love that person. A chronic condition is like a third person in your marriage, who gets between you and that man you married. You have to choose not to let that third wheel hurt the marriage, and being very open about what you want and need from him--and compromising, based on what he can actually do--is part of preventing harm to your marriage from the pain he can't avoid.

I would go 1 step further and instead of asking for these things just declare they are happening and why. Not in a nasty way, but in a matter of fact way. Just do it. Including assigning him the task of managing the help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He has degenerative disc disease. It’s very advanced. He’s been on pain management for years. He hasn’t done physical therapy or yoga or anything holistic. He’s ruled out surgery for years bc of the poor rates of success. He’s not at all overweight and in decent shape otherwise.

OP, many, many more adult humans have degenerated disks than have pain from degenerated disks requiring them to be on pain management. It's a little surprising to me that he was able to find a doc who would keep him on pain management this long without requiring him to do PT.

Are you wondering whether the disc disease is really all that is going on?