Moving on after death of spouse

[Anonymous]

Our family suffered two losses last year, First my aunt died in early fall and a few months later my husband’s cousin died. Both women had been ill for several years and their husbands were devastated at their deaths.

FF, we visited the cousin last week and he spent considerable time telling me and my husband about his dating life, including asking us for advice on how to engage women in today’s heavily online world. Cousin is mid-50s, successful, healthy guy. Seems set on having many girlfriends and getting remarried ASAP.

My uncle is planning a trip to visit us next month (for a sort of family reunion) and he just emailed me that he is bringing a “companion” with him and named her and asked that she be included in any “spouse” activities we have planned. Uncle is late 70s, newly retired, in good health.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but I do find it strange how fast they’ve moved on and are already engaging in relationships including traveling with new women, less than a year (in cousins case less than 6 months) after their wives deaths. Is this a “normal” response? I know if something happened to my husband it would take me a lot longer to move on and my husband said the same thing. Is this more common for older people who no longer have young children to care for?

[Anonymous]

It's relatively common in the older population to move on quickly -- especially for men who wives took care of them.

[Anonymous]

Men need women. Women fare much better after the death of a spouse.

[Anonymous]

My aunt lost her husband after a 5 year battle with cancer. They had been together for 50 years. She had a new boyfriend after 9 months but had been dating a bit before him. It's now been about 2.5 years and they are discussing marriage.

She said she mourned the loss of her husband a year before he died. That was the point he couldn't go out anymore, couldn't enjoy normal activities. By the end, he could barely stand.

When he died, she was obviously very heartbroken and sad. But she felt differently than if he had.died of a.heart attack. She was relieved his suffering was over. And she was also a little bit happy she could have some of her own life back (she was 68).

It was a lot harder on her kids and unfortunately did hurt their relationship a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's relatively common in the older population to move on quickly -- especially for men who wives took care of them.

Especially for men who enjoyed sharing their lives with someone, who enjoyed taking care of someone. Widows sometimes move pretty quickly, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's relatively common in the older population to move on quickly -- especially for men who wives took care of them.

Yes, apparently men who were happily married are often the ones who start dating again the fastest. It can be jarring for family members, but it’s definitely not unusual.

[Anonymous]

Normal for men.

[Anonymous]

My dad has Parkinson's. The last year it has gotten a lot worse. My mom does SO much for him, but has sacrificed a large part of her life for him and the disease. I do hope my dad dies a quick death when the time comes, and I do hope my mom is able to reclaim some of her life. She's 72, so it's a bit harder. But I hope she finds someone to go out to dinner with, travel with, etc. This past year, my dad hardly does that stuff anymore and it's been hard. My mom can't travel unless she has someone who can stay with my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal for men.

And women. My mom, after separating, went quickly into dating and a long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. My husband was really disturbed by his cousin’s behavior, kept talking about how if I died there’s no way he could move on that quickly, etc.
he seemed way more bothered by it but I guess it just depends on the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad has Parkinson's. The last year it has gotten a lot worse. My mom does SO much for him, but has sacrificed a large part of her life for him and the disease. I do hope my dad dies a quick death when the time comes, and I do hope my mom is able to reclaim some of her life. She's 72, so it's a bit harder. But I hope she finds someone to go out to dinner with, travel with, etc. This past year, my dad hardly does that stuff anymore and it's been hard. My mom can't travel unless she has someone who can stay with my dad.

Op - my parents are in the exact same situation and it is so hard. My mom is a very young 75 but I expect her time will be filled with visiting us and traveling once my dad dies, which hopefully is still a long time away. He was just dx last year and isn’t very bad but has no energy or desire to go out anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. My husband was really disturbed by his cousin’s behavior, kept talking about how if I died there’s no way he could move on that quickly, etc.
he seemed way more bothered by it but I guess it just depends on the person.

It’s hard when you’ve known the person a long time. Your husband was probably at the cousin’s wedding. If the cousin’s wife was ill for a while, he probably did some grieving before she passed away. I’m sure it’s hard for your husband to process, but as others have said, it’s not out of the ordinary.

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this in a snarky way but you, and others on this thread, have no idea what it's like to care for an ailing loved one for years. It's not that you stop loving the person but that the grieving process begins before death. Your life and relationship change. If the deaths were sudden, my comments may be different but I do not judge or begrudge someone who has nursed a spouse long term. It's a labor of love but still a burden they should be allowed to quickly shed when death comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this in a snarky way but you, and others on this thread, have no idea what it's like to care for an ailing loved one for years. It's not that you stop loving the person but that the grieving process begins before death. Your life and relationship change. If the deaths were sudden, my comments may be different but I do not judge or begrudge someone who has nursed a spouse long term. It's a labor of love but still a burden they should be allowed to quickly shed when death comes.

It doesn’t change the fact that it’s jarring for the rest of the family. I nursed my mom through her illness as much as my dad did, but when she died, I was left motherless and wrecked, and did not have the opportunity to go find a replacement for the role like my dad did, who ended up engaged to someone else a year later.

No one here is judging the people for moving on. We’re explaining to op that it’s a common phenomena.

[Anonymous]

I'm mid-50s and I'm kinda resenting this talk about that age being "older"!