How do I get my kid to use manners consistently?
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Anonymous
| DS is 7.5. We've always modeled/taught using good manners but it's still such a struggle. It feels embarrassing when he needs to be prompted to use basic manners. Before social situations we discuss using manners and saying please/thank you etc and he can say what he should do/say but in the actual moment it just flies out of his head. When does it become second nature? I've met so many kids who are extremely polite and I ask the parents what they've done to instill that quality and we've done the same but without the same result. I just don't know what else to do. When he was younger it could be laughed off, but he's getting to the age where it stands out more. What have you done to make sure your kids use manners consistently? |
Anonymous
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Just keep reminding. My DD is 16 and I still remind her to say "Thank you for having me" when leaving a friend's house, to the parents.
I still put my hand on her leg when she goes to interrupt - it's the signal we came up with when she was 3 that means "I can see you have something to say and will give you the floor in a second." |
Anonymous
| It depends on the kid. I have one that it's basically reflex and always has been, and then my oldest (at 9), still needs a prompt every now and then. Trust me, anyone with kids understands. |
Anonymous
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Keep prompting. It will sink in eventually.
My third kid is a disaster around the house and with his siblings. He needs to be reminded to use a paper napkin, not his shirt, and to stop farting at the table. Daily. But I routinely get comments from other parents and sitters that he is such a polite, model child who says please and thank you, clears his place into the dishwasher, and suggests cleaning up one activity before starting another. I'm waiting for that kid to come home someday; I'll just keep reminding him until he does! |
Anonymous
| 22:35 here. My kid is 8.5, so you're probably close! |
Anonymous
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Keep doing what you're doing. The kids with excellent manners have bad days too.
Also, stop being so hard on your kid. Anxiety makes kids screw up. |
Anonymous
Yes, I know. But it’s not just a few bad days. It’s almost like he does it on purpose to be funny or something. He can articulate how he should behave, but then can’t or won’t actually do it. -OP |
Anonymous
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I was actually thinking about this recently. I have two sons. One just turned eight and the other is five. I would say over the last six months to a year the eight-year-old has started saying please and thank you relatively consistently. I still have to remind him - especially at home - But I don’t think it’s uncommon for a 7.5-year-old to not say it every time. I think for preschool and young elementary it’s probably 50-50 or maybe even less - % kids that consistently use manners. And these kids are from households where it is definitely enforced.
I’m assuming you’re talking about run-of-the-mill things like this and not anything egregious? |
Anonymous
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Do you say please and thank/you? To waitstaff, clerks, etc?
I think if you are too militant you end up.with and eddy Haskell... If you gently remind and model you eventually get sound and polite child/adult. 7 is too young. |
Anonymous
Actions have consequences. I started with manners from the get go. I had one son who thought it was funny to snort like a pig so one night I set up a card table and told all three children that a time who ate like a pig would sit at the piggy table. Of course, "piggy" son laughed and started snorting. I picked. Up his plate, no silverware, and poured his milk into a bowl and told him to feel free to eat like a pig. It only happened once and after that all three used their table manners and knew that other social manners also had to be observed People are judged by their manners. |
Anonymous
Yes, DH and I both say please and thank you all the time. If 7 is too young, then how do you explain all of the other 7 year olds I know who are able to use manners consistently? |
Anonymous
NP. You're crazy. I have 5 yo and 3 yo boys, who are ALWAYS polite. They're literally heard nothing else since they were born. And that includes the programs they're allowed to watch. |
Anonymous
Does he have impulse control issues in other areas, or does he get nervous in other situations and forget the rules? |
Anonymous
| It's a marathon, not a sprint. You just keep discussing, practicing, and praising when he does well. |
Anonymous
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Reminders and modeling the behavior. We try and say Please and Thank You in the house. We remind little man to use his polite words when we need to. I have no idea when he will remember to use a napkin without prompting. Or to say Thank you at the end of a play date or to the person who brought snacks. We are working on it. On the plus side, his friends are just as bad as he is so I don't feel awful about it, I think it is age approrpiate.
We also praise him when he uses his manners outside the house. He has recently started ordering for himself at restaurants and we give high fives when he says please and thank you while ordering. We want him to know that we see him doing what we expect him to do. It is not an every time thing but frequently enough that we see him using his manners. |