How do I get my kid to use manners consistently?

[Anonymous]

My 9 yo is great with please, thank you, excuse me, etc. But his table manners can be terrible. He can’t sit still, makes a mess cutting his food, wipes his face on his shirt, that kind of thing. We gently remind constantly and he’s getting better. If there’s company or we’re out to eat something that helps is to make sure he’s not extremely hungry. When he is he descends on his food like he hasn’t eaten in years and all manners are out the window. But I can see improvement, it’s just slower than I’d like.

[Anonymous]

OP I have the same question as a PP— is he impulsive and/or forgetful about other things? I have ADHD and it manifested as being “unmannerly” (not necessarily rude, although sometimes) when I was that age. There’s some difficulty with social cues that comes with it. Just food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have the same question as a PP— is he impulsive and/or forgetful about other things? I have ADHD and it manifested as being “unmannerly” (not necessarily rude, although sometimes) when I was that age. There’s some difficulty with social cues that comes with it. Just food for thought.

Oh, and I was SO messy as an eater. All of my clothes were stained and I constantly spilled water not because I was particularly uncoordinated, but because I’d do things like (still do) put my glass way too close to the edge of the table. I obviously work to overcome this stuff but fundamentally, it’s just the way my brain works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Actions have consequences. I started with manners from the get go.

I had one son who thought it was funny to snort like a pig so one night I set up a card table and told all three children that a time who ate like a pig would sit at the piggy table.

Of course, "piggy" son laughed and started snorting. I picked. Up his plate, no silverware, and poured his milk into a bowl and told him to feel free to eat like a pig. It only happened once and after that all three used their table manners and knew that other social manners also had to be observed

People are judged by their manners.

PP, you are cray-cray. People are judged for their harshness towards little people who are in their power.

My children have beautiful manners. We did it with consistency, kindness, and modeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep doing what you're doing. The kids with excellent manners have bad days too.

Also, stop being so hard on your kid. Anxiety makes kids screw up.

Yes, I know. But it’s not just a few bad days. It’s almost like he does it on purpose to be funny or something. He can articulate how he should behave, but then can’t or won’t actually do it. -OP

Actions have consequences. I started with manners from the get go.

I had one son who thought it was funny to snort like a pig so one night I set up a card table and told all three children that a time who ate like a pig would sit at the piggy table.

Of course, "piggy" son laughed and started snorting. I picked. Up his plate, no silverware, and poured his milk into a bowl and told him to feel free to eat like a pig. It only happened once and after that all three used their table manners and knew that other social manners also had to be observed

People are judged by their manners.

My kids would find that hilarious and do everything in their power to get that to happen with more frequency! It would definitely not lead to improved manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you say please and thank/you? To waitstaff, clerks, etc?

I think if you are too militant you end up.with and eddy Haskell... If you gently remind and model you eventually get sound and polite child/adult.

7 is too young.

NP. You're crazy.

I have 5 yo and 3 yo boys, who are ALWAYS polite. They're literally heard nothing else since they were born. And that includes the programs they're allowed to watch.

Seven is no way too young. I have a almost three year old and he is expected (and promoted as needed) to thank check out staff, servers, daycare providers, and others who help us in any way. I’m sure we will have to continue to prompt and remind as he gets older and that’s just fine. Keep repeating it over and over, as needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have the same question as a PP— is he impulsive and/or forgetful about other things? I have ADHD and it manifested as being “unmannerly” (not necessarily rude, although sometimes) when I was that age. There’s some difficulty with social cues that comes with it. Just food for thought.

OP here. He’s somewhat impulsive and forgetful. He does a lot of talking with others at school when he shouldn’t be and doesn’t always get his own work completed. He can focus really well on things he’s interested in, but has a hard time with not getting distracted when asked to do something he’s not as interested in. I actually was diagnosed with ADHD Inattentive when I was in high school. Maybe he’s on a similar path, but I want to try to reinforce using good manners consistently regardless. If he does have ADHD then we have extra work we need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have the same question as a PP— is he impulsive and/or forgetful about other things? I have ADHD and it manifested as being “unmannerly” (not necessarily rude, although sometimes) when I was that age. There’s some difficulty with social cues that comes with it. Just food for thought.

OP here. He’s somewhat impulsive and forgetful. He does a lot of talking with others at school when he shouldn’t be and doesn’t always get his own work completed. He can focus really well on things he’s interested in, but has a hard time with not getting distracted when asked to do something he’s not as interested in. I actually was diagnosed with ADHD Inattentive when I was in high school. Maybe he’s on a similar path, but I want to try to reinforce using good manners consistently regardless. If he does have ADHD then we have extra work we need to do.

I’m the PP you’re responding to. As you must know, “focusing really well on things you’re interested in” is a hallmark of ADHD (when the difference is much more pronounced than usual). Regardless of a diagnosis, if your DS is even ADHD adjacent, it’s not just extra work that you’ll need to do, but different work with an adjusted mindset. It wouldn’t hurt to look into advice with helping kids specifically with ADHD with social skills— it’s just a different animal. And at least in my case, I hated that my social skills were a bit off... I definitely wasn’t missing cues or struggling because I didn’t care or thought it was funny to be rude (though I can see how that could end up being a defense mechanism).