Those who struggled early in their marriages...

[Anonymous]

Do you wish you had left earlier? Stayed? Done anything different?

DH has been completely unromantic since we got married. We did have a baby our first year of marriage and bought of a house, so all of the routine reasons of “why” have been applicable. The stress of providing for a family and such. But it’s been four years, we’ve had time to adjust and plenty of conversations about needs.

While out to dinner with his a few of his higher ups, I hear how they talk about their wives, one of them referred to his wife as his bride. Another used the term “date my wife.” I brought up to DH how I noticed and it was sweet, and the thought of him acting that way towards me is completely over his head.

It hit me that If I want that kind of marriage, I guess it can’t be with him?

[Anonymous]

Four years of conversations about needs and he hasn’t budged?

[Anonymous]

My husband isn’t as vocally romantic as I would like. Yes, it bothers me sometimes, but it’s also just who he is and I knew that when I married him. I grew up surrounded by men who were much more expressive (my dad gushed about how wonderful my mom was all the time) so not having that bummed me out, even though my DH is awesome and demonstrated his love in other ways. Reading the 5 Love Languages helped me get some perspective (cheesy, but helpful). It’s still hard, and we periodically have The Talk about it, which never results in much change though DH does seem genuinely frustrated he can’t give me what I want. It’s the must frustrating part about our relationship, but everything else is hunky dory so I do my best to accept it and appreciate everything else he does ‘right’. 13 years in and I’m more at peace with it than I was at 4 years in.

[Anonymous]

My DH has never been the hand holding romantic type and it bothered me a lot early in our marriage. But, sex was never an issue, and over time I just realized he is what he is. I know he loves me as he does show it in many other ways such as incredible respect, caring and treating me incredibly well.

[Anonymous]

Was he that way when you were dating?
How long did you date?
How old were you when you got married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

While out to dinner with his a few of his higher ups, I hear how they talk about their wives, one of them referred to his wife as his bride. Another used the term “date my wife.” I brought up to DH how I noticed and it was sweet, and the thought of him acting that way towards me is completely over his head.

It hit me that If I want that kind of marriage, I guess it can’t be with him?

Yes OP. You won’t radically change him. My guess he probably was never really like that. May be he did a few gestures during dating but that was as far as he’d go. Also, don’t be fooled by beautiful talkers. The one “dating” his wife is probably dating someone else on the side as well. It could be very much just that: a public facade with a very different reality. Appreciate what you have.

[Anonymous]

I read your OP and found zero struggles. Do you actually have any or are you simply unhappy with his choice of words?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but yes, probably

[Anonymous]

I have been married for 11 years and I have found that if you compare your husband to other men who do this or that you will be very unhappy.

No marriage is like yours and you don’t have to worry about what other people are doing.

DH and I do not exchange gifts or romantic words at all, we don’t go on dates, he definitely would not call me his bride in public, we sleep in separate rooms (he snores!), we don’t have sex often, neither of us makes that much money, we’re both overweight, he frequently panics and yells at everyone, and yesterday he told me that I read too many books and it’s not making me any smarter (we don’t even have that in common!).

This sounds absolutely terrible and not many people would accept this state of affairs. Early in my marriage I wondered what I was thinking marrying him. But we’re happy. For real. We laugh with each other and are affectionate all day. He makes me my coffee in the morning. I am happy when he comes home because I want to hear about his day. We have been through every terrible thing together, illness of our child, job loss, etc. We don’t fight about money or stress out. Sometimes you just need to accept your marriage for what it is- a person that you chose as your partner. He doesn’t need to be all things at all times and once you accept that you can be happy.

[Anonymous]

Are you happy, OP? Could you be happy? Do you like your spouse’s personality? Have you gone to individual counseling to sort through those questions? What works for other people may not work for you.

That said, my marriage was miserable for years. Several times a year we went days without talking to each other. What finally worked was that each of us started figuring out the unhelpful patterns we brought with us from our families of origin. We did it for our own sanity, not for each other or for the marriage. The side effect was not only did we each get happier and healthier, the relationship did too. I stuck it out because I was prioritizing moving through other life challenges and didn’t want to also manage a divorce. Then eventually we worked through our careers, living situations, setting boundaries with extended family, etc., and I realized that I was pretty happy with where we were. The fighting had stopped too. Now I can say that my relationship really makes me happy. But I was lucky to have married an empathetic person who is willing to put work into our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Most of those guys are on second or third wives. Ask your husband if that’s what he’s holding out for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t as vocally romantic as I would like. Yes, it bothers me sometimes, but it’s also just who he is and I knew that when I married him. I grew up surrounded by men who were much more expressive (my dad gushed about how wonderful my mom was all the time) so not having that bummed me out, even though my DH is awesome and demonstrated his love in other ways. Reading the 5 Love Languages helped me get some perspective (cheesy, but helpful). It’s still hard, and we periodically have The Talk about it, which never results in much change though DH does seem genuinely frustrated he can’t give me what I want. It’s the must frustrating part about our relationship, but everything else is hunky dory so I do my best to accept it and appreciate everything else he does ‘right’. 13 years in and I’m more at peace with it than I was at 4 years in.

I have a similar experience. We've been married for 18 years. I've realized my DH doesn't express his love in the way I would prefer but he does express it in other ways. I'd like him to be more vocal about how he feels and sing my praises. Ha. He doesn't. But, he cleans the house, takes the kids every Saturday for half the day so I can rest/get things done, etc. Acts of Service, if we are talking about the 5 Love Languages.

I don't know the details of your situation but talking to him is one thing. Talking to him in a way he can understand is another. Is he generally not emotionally expressive? Or just when interacting/talking with you? Dig a little deeper before having another conversation about it.