play dates if you struggle with social norms

[Anonymous]

DS has a friend in preschool who he always talks about. He'd like to invite her over to play. Asks almost every day.

I haven't have any friends in quite some time, not since getting married. I'm honestly not sure how this is supposed to go. DH does dropoffs and pickups, so how exactly do I get in contact with this child's parents? What exactly do I say when I do? Do parents tend to stay? I.e., do I need to entertain them? How? What do people talk about? Do I need to offer refreshments? Can they play out of my sight? Is that acceptable? Should I worry that her parents haven't made the first move (we're newish in town)?

I know this sounds basic, and I know I have issues, but if people could just give me some help with logistics, I'd really appreciate it. I don't want DS to turn out like I have.

[Anonymous]

Does DH see them? If so, he can do the inviting.

If not, he can leave a note for the parents of the preschooler's with your contact info and a suggestion to do a playdate. Something like: Larlo has been asking if Larla can come over to play. We'd love to have her. Are you available on x date or y date? If not, please let us know what days are best and we'll figure it out. Include your contact number.

People vary when they feel comfortable to drop off. You should offer they can stay or leave, as they prefer. If they stay, you offer a drink and a small snack and you talk about your kids and the school.

If they drop off, you should supervise as you normally do your kid. At that age, I stayed in the kitchen and could hear them playing. Small drink/snack is appropriate.

2 hours should do it.

[Anonymous]

Excellent, thank you. DH won't do the inviting since it's usually her mother dropping her off, and her father works in his company. Distantly, but he feels the inviting should fall to me.

Does he leave the note in with the teacher? Or???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excellent, thank you. DH won't do the inviting since it's usually her mother dropping her off, and her father works in his company. Distantly, but he feels the inviting should fall to me.

Does he leave the note in with the teacher? Or???

Yes, he leaves the note with the teacher and asks her to pass it to Larla's parents. That is weird about your DH, but the note will solve that issue.

[Anonymous]

For your own benefit, I wouldn't let them play out of sight for more than 5-10 minutes at a time on a first playdate, unless the space is super child proof. That way, if the other kid starts to color on your walls, smush berries into the carpet, throw toys into the garbage, pull stuff out of the garbage, or do other random things that children that age sometimes do, you'll catch it before it gets too far along.

[Anonymous]

How old are they? My oldest is 4 and in preschool and we stick around for playdates still. Now I know a few of her friend's parents, I'd be ok with dropping her off for 2 hours, but that hasn't come up yet.

If you don't want to host, just reach out to meet at a playground one weekend morning. I'd write out a note like "Hi, I'm Robert's mom, Nancy. He loves playing with Janie at school every day and we'd love to get together outside of school to play. If that sounds like fun text me at 123-456-7890. Thanks!"

[Anonymous]

They're both young 5's.

My mom did suggest a playground. Maybe that would be easier.

[Anonymous]

Hi! I hope you can find a few good friends! But don’t worry if the first few you hang out with don’t click.

Could you do a drop off or pickup here and there to meet some moms face to face? Can you ask the preschool teachers to connect you somehow (via email?).

I would invite them over at a non meal time, like 9:30-11:30 on a weekend morning or 2-4pm. Have coffee, water, iced tea available, and cut fruit and goldfish crackers for the kids. Sit in a room with the kids or near the kids since they’re in preschool. Don’t hesitate to say house rules even to the other kid “Johnny we don’t stand on the couches here” “gentle please, if we break toys, they’ll be put away”. But don’t freak out about general clutter and messes.

When it’s time to talk, you can ask the mom about her hobbies, job or past job, favorite books or tv shows. A lot of people love to talk so being a good listener will endear them to you. Around the last 15 minutes, say to the kids “we have about 15 minutes left, in a few minutes we have to clean the playroom” and that gives everyone a good stopping point. You should start and if the kids aren’t cleaning, don’t stress, just keep going. If everyone is having a good time you can extend a little, but with young kids that can turn sour fast if they get tired so don’t push it too long, you can always make it happen again.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Your husband should just give your number to the kid's parents and say "Let's get the kids together - here's our number so you can coordinate with my wife Laura, who handles our social calendar."

Yes, offer light snacks. Keep it casual. Cheese, crackers and strawberries. Carrots, cucumbers, hummus, crackers. Stuff like that.
Yes, parents stay. No, the kids don't have to stay in sight the whole time. You should be able to hear them all the time though.

[Anonymous]

You write the note and DH hands it to the mom. If she doesn't reach out, don't worry about it. If she does, then agree with setting a playdate at a non-meal time. At home or playground, either is ok IMO. I won't drop off my kids unless I know and trust the parents/caregivers, so I would expect the parent to hang out. Set both start and end times to the playdate or it has the potential to drag on forever.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others about keeping it casual. Ask if they want to come over for a playdate and suggest a few specific times. If you are nervous about having people in your home, a playground meet-up is perfect. Kids play on the playground and parents chat.

Sometimes people are flaky or not interested. Don't take it personally! If they don't respond after one follow-up move on to another family. Social activity is important for kids and it is great that you are getting out of your comfort zone to do what is good for your child.

[Anonymous]

OP I might suggest a playground meet up since that would require fewer logistics on your end.

[Anonymous]

My kids’ preschool and elementary school have an online parent directory (the elementary school one even has an iPhone app). It includes cell numbers and emails for parents. I’d double check with your school and see if this is offered. - crazy if there isn’t some sort of parent directory. For both my PKer (age 5) and 2nd grade kid, at-home play dates are drop off. I’ve never had a parent stay.

[Anonymous]

Email the mom asking if they would like to meet at a playground. It’s easy. Just general small talk and chit chat. Less pressure to engage with the mom as much at a playground. Takes the pressure off to entertain. I usual bring snack for my child and an add enough extra if the other child would like some. 2 small bags of pretzels or crackers. Nothing crazy. You got this OP!

[Anonymous]

I prefer playground playdates. If it is at your house, I feel the obligation to then invite you to a playdate at my house... and I hate hosting. So playground playdates are the best.