How to overcome fear of having a second kid when first one was so hard
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Anonymous
| We went through the ringer with #1, from infertility to a traumatic birth to colic, unexpected serious health problems, sleep issues, breastfeeding problems, and more. Despite that, DH and I still very much want a second child and we love #1 with all our hearts and can’t imagine life any other way. But I don’t know how to overcome the fear of it being just as awful or worse the second time around. Anyone else been there? How did you decide what to do? |
Anonymous
| Why do you want a second kid? |
Anonymous
| I want the experience of parenting and raising a second child. I really enjoy being a mother, and always wanted a big family. I fully realize that a big family is not realistic, but we do want to have one more child and financially we can afford it. We need to do so soon with our ages and previous difficulties conceiving. Despite our difficulties with number one I recognize the number of challenges we faced is not typical, we just got unlucky. I just think I know now what a crapshoot it all is, and it’s hard to not feel gun shy. |
Anonymous
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My first was born with special needs, and we took a risk 4 years later. The second is doing well in a magnet school. I feel the first has inherited all of our problematic genes, and the second all our best genes... You just never know. |
Anonymous
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My first is wonderful, sweet, and happy, but we had major breastfeeding issues and he didn't sleep longer than 2 hours at a time until he was 18 months old. We were scared to have a second, but my husband felt very strongly about giving #1 a sibling... he grew up as an only who hated it, as did my best friend.
We decided to just bite the bullet and have a second before we got used to having any sort of peace and sleep again, so I was pregnant again by the time he was one. Baby #2 is just as bad a sleeper and the breastfeeding problems were even worse. We're exhausted. But we adore them and watching them interact is the best. |
Anonymous
| I found the transition from 1-2 so much harder than 0-1. But I know many people who had really tough first kids who did not find the transition from 1-2 to be as bad because they had already lived through a really hard transition. I think if you really want a second kid you just have to buckle up and hope for the best. |
Anonymous
| I’m so there with you OP. We had such a hard time with our first, who had awful colic and is an extremely strong-willed child (whom we love to death). We did have another, and she is so different from her sister. Super calm and relaxed. So glad we did, but I don’t know what I would have done if I had had to go through colic and the toddler years again with a super strong-willed child. Good luck with your decision! |
Anonymous
| I don't think everyone does. And those of us who don't eventually learn to embrace our smaller families. Just putting that out there in case you need permission to feel something other than elation at "biting the bullet." |
Anonymous
multiple people told me my first was one of the hardest they’ve seen due to colic, reflux and not sleeping. I accidentally got pregnant with #2, freaked out (I think I had PTSD from #1) and it’s turned out to be the best thing that’s ever happened. We knew we wanted more than one but were too traumatized (and still busy) to even think about it at the time I got pregnant. |
Anonymous
| I was scared too. I just did it, as pp said, I bit the bullet. And it worked out great. My first was so so difficult as a baby/toddler but my second and third children were a breeze. Every child is different and you can't assume you'll be getting a repeat of your first experience, nor can you assume all your children will be easy just because a first baby is. |
Anonymous
+1 Our second and third kids were SO easy in comparison to the first. I also figured out that the hard baby stage doesn't last forever and I could gut it out again if I had to. |
Anonymous
| Well, one thought is, you survived the first with all the bad. Worst case scenario, you have to go through it again, and you're better prepared this time. |
Anonymous
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You never know what you're going to get, OP. That ultimately made us choose to stick with one because we knew that we didn't have the resources or support we'd need to deal with the just in cases and didn't want to wing it. A friend who went through a grueling pregnancy that was dangerous for her and for her ds decided to adopt for #2 and that child, even with some delays, is like a breath of fresh air compared to her perpetually surly #1.
That's not to say don't do it, but if you're going to then make sure you have in place what you'd want & need just in case it's tough again. And then if it is, you're readier and you'll have the support you need. And if you're pleasantly surprised and #2 is a breeze, then that delight will take care of itself. |
Anonymous
| We waited. We didn't feel like we caught up on sleep and got to breathe until our first was 3, literally couldn't imagine having them 2 years apart. Then other life stuff happened and if this pregnancy works out they'll be 5 years and one month apart. The first was long enough ago that we aren't exactly excited about the birth and baby phase but know it gets better. |
Anonymous
| You just have to get pregnant again. It's really that simple. It will be hard but you'll survive. |