For anyone that went through counseling

[Anonymous]

Did it help your marriage at all? I’m currently separated from my cheating spouse who now wants to work on the marriage. I suggested counseling, but he thinks counseling is a waste of money and won’t change anything. I would like to know if anyone has had any positive (or negative) experiences with this.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it did. The fact that your spouse considers counseling a waste of time/money is indicative that he doesn't want to invest in your marriage again. What, then, is his plan for working on the marriage? Promises? How will behavior actually change?

He probably fears that it will be two women picking on him. Counseling isn't like that. Good counseling provides insights, homework, actual tools for changing negative problematic behaviors and traps you have fallen into as a couple. If he's not willing to do this, I don't see how he is willing to work on the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

I did it for a year. In retrospect, it was a waste of a year, but I needed to know in did everything I could to try and save my marriage after my ex cheated with a coworker. He refused to do any of the work. Would literally say "I can't read it." Refised to discuss his cheating in therapy, only agreed to discuss everything wrong with me and how horrible I was. We actually had a counselor quit because she said it was an abusive dynamic, him taking his cheating off the table.

Go for it, but pay close attention to how much effort he puts into it. That will tell you everything you need to know.

And do not beg a cheater to stay with you. Biggest regret i have is not telling him to get the F out of my house and life the moment I found out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it for a year. In retrospect, it was a waste of a year, but I needed to know in did everything I could to try and save my marriage after my ex cheated with a coworker. He refused to do any of the work. Would literally say "I can't read it." Refised to discuss his cheating in therapy, only agreed to discuss everything wrong with me and how horrible I was. We actually had a counselor quit because she said it was an abusive dynamic, him taking his cheating off the table.

Go for it, but pay close attention to how much effort he puts into it. That will tell you everything you need to know.

And do not beg a cheater to stay with you. Biggest regret i have is not telling him to get the F out of my house and life the moment I found out.

Good for you for protecting your premarital asset, keeping separate finances, and not feeling the pressure to upgrade once you had a second income coming in!

My boyfriend and i are discussing marriage, but he is an “all in” type, and doesn’t understand why I would want to protect myself, in case he blows up the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Did it for 8 months and it was a waste of money. Mostly because she used it as cover to continue with the affair. Individual counseling might be the way to go. Unless someone is completely on board with making amends I don’t see how your marriage can be repaired. Yes, they are two who responsible but it’s on the partner who pulls trigger that has to show they really want it to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it for a year. In retrospect, it was a waste of a year, but I needed to know in did everything I could to try and save my marriage after my ex cheated with a coworker. He refused to do any of the work. Would literally say "I can't read it." Refised to discuss his cheating in therapy, only agreed to discuss everything wrong with me and how horrible I was. We actually had a counselor quit because she said it was an abusive dynamic, him taking his cheating off the table.

Go for it, but pay close attention to how much effort he puts into it. That will tell you everything you need to know.

And do not beg a cheater to stay with you. Biggest regret i have is not telling him to get the F out of my house and life the moment I found out.

I’m definitely not begging him to stay. I’ve actually been a lot happier since we separated.

[Anonymous]

I did it as a last resort, but for me it was a clear sign that the marriage was dead. It can only work if both people WANT to make the marriage work. For me, I would never be able to accept a cheating spouse so counseling would have no hope for me.

[Anonymous]

It was very helpful, but we both wanted the marriage to work. We did the homework, listened to criticism, etc.

[Anonymous]

It was a waste. Our marriage was going relatively well but my wife felt like we were a little disconnected. We probably were, but it was a function of a particularly busy stretch we were going through. Counseling just cost us money and made us a little busier. It didn't help much. When the busy stretch subsided a bit, things got better.

[Anonymous]

It helped me but it didn't keep us married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it did. The fact that your spouse considers counseling a waste of time/money is indicative that he doesn't want to invest in your marriage again. What, then, is his plan for working on the marriage? Promises? How will behavior actually change?

He probably fears that it will be two women picking on him. Counseling isn't like that.

Yes, it is. Basically it is a $175/hour tag-team match in which two women agree that you suck and tell you all the ways you should strive to get better.

[Anonymous]

Yes - it helped dh and I each understand both ourselves and each other better and find better ways to interact. Even if we had ended up not staying together I think the experience would have made me better in future relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it for a year. In retrospect, it was a waste of a year, but I needed to know in did everything I could to try and save my marriage after my ex cheated with a coworker. He refused to do any of the work. Would literally say "I can't read it." Refised to discuss his cheating in therapy, only agreed to discuss everything wrong with me and how horrible I was. We actually had a counselor quit because she said it was an abusive dynamic, him taking his cheating off the table.

Go for it, but pay close attention to how much effort he puts into it. That will tell you everything you need to know.

And do not beg a cheater to stay with you. Biggest regret i have is not telling him to get the F out of my house and life the moment I found out.

I'm in the same boat you are, right down to the cheating with a co-worker (and, in my case, blatantly lying about it -- I had to uncover the truth myself). I'm considering counseling b/c of kids but don't have much faith at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it did. The fact that your spouse considers counseling a waste of time/money is indicative that he doesn't want to invest in your marriage again. What, then, is his plan for working on the marriage? Promises? How will behavior actually change?

He probably fears that it will be two women picking on him. Counseling isn't like that.

Yes, it is. Basically it is a $175/hour tag-team match in which two women agree that you suck and tell you all the ways you should strive to get better.

Whatever dudebrocheater. Our counselor was a man. My (ex)husband wasn't picked on but he wasn't coddled either. Neither was I.