What is my role: FIL who is likely dying
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Anonymous
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My FIL has a very complex past medical history. The short story is that 6 months ago, he had a cancerous kidney removed, was in a hospital setting for 6 weeks in a state of delirium, finally awoke from it once he returned home, and was better - health-wise - than he'd been in the past 5 years, partly bc he'd lost a significant amount of weight during the hospital stay. FIL is again in the hospital, fluid in lungs, on dialysis, not responding to commands, completely out of it mentally, and assumed (by my spouse and his sibiling) to be in another state of delirium.
Hospital says ok but he needs a feeding tube, and they said OK, that's fine! Hospital says there's nothing more to be done and recommends hospice. Husband and sister say no way - he's in this state of delirum - return him home and he'll wake up and all will be OK! OK = dementia (managed at this point by drugs) and many other long-term and permanent conditions. MIL is broke after all of the health needs and also reaching a state of desperation and depression due to the immense needs of my FIL. What is my role here? Supportive of whatever DH believes is best? Gently suggesting it's time to say goodbye? I'm struggling because I think it might be time to let him go, but it's not my father. |
Anonymous
| How old is the dad? Is hospice care in the home an option? Would perhaps a second opinion from a medical doctor be helpful for your dh and sister? |
Anonymous
| OP here. Pallative Care has come to speak with DH and sister and MIL 2 times, and both times they have said heck no! You don't understand! He will wake up, like last time! Dad is mid 60s. Again, he has several long term degenerative conditions, so this is not an isolated health issue. |
Anonymous
Something to consider in your conversations with them is that he will be made comfortable in hospice, and (I'm assuming here) he's as likely to come out of the delirious state there as he would be somewhere else. Are they pushing for some sort of treatment that the hospital doesn't want to give, or is the argument just over placement in hospice? |
Anonymous
| Stay out of the care decisions but voice your concern to your husband. If he shares the concern he can relay it to his mom and sister. Be emotionally supportive and take care of more of the background stuff so they can focus on FIL. If you're on good terms with MIL, be emotionally available to her. I've been there. MIL made wacky decisions on FIL's dementia, some of which I was uncomfortable with, but it was not my place. If it's all leading to near end of life, the details really won't matter. |
Anonymous
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Support DH is the number one goal.
When my MIL was dying, the number 1 question DH's family asked re: any procedure/treatment was, "what is the goal?" If it wasn't to make MIL more comfortable, the family said no. She had a DNR, and they actually had to throw one doctor off her case because he refused to follow it and wanted to keep her alive my any means necessary. And by alive, I mean machines breathing for her, keeping her heart beating, etc. We are talking about the last few days of her life! |
Anonymous
Jeez. How did you get him kicked off? |
Anonymous
| OP, you'd be surprised at how people can bounce back from these hospital stays, including with delirium. This happened to my MIL and we thought death was imminent. She lived another 5 years and died of something unrelated. |
Anonymous
| Mid 60s is quite young - team support DH while gently suggesting alternatives. |
Anonymous
| Just support whoever decision your wife makes even if you think it's stupid. |
Anonymous
| Do NOT suggest its time to say good bye unless your DH starts talking about that. Your role is to support your husband in what he thinks, not impose your opinions. You can also make sure that you make your wishes for yourself clear in an advanced directive, particularly if you come to realize that you and your DH have different ideas about end of life care. |
Anonymous
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Yes, you support the spouse in these cases. My MIL has similarly complex health issues, and has multiple times in the past few years thought to be at the end then pulled through. I consider my role to take care of the house and kids when he needs to travel out of state to be with her, and to be a sounding board only if he expresses the need for it. He now sees the extent to which her quality of life had deteriorated and has finally put in the DNR with no machines clause. It was right that it be his decision, and he needed to do it when the time felt right to him.
OP, I would leave it to him and his MIL to figure out together. They will, even if they need more time. |
Anonymous
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OP - it's up to the patient's spouse. That's it, that's all. That is who makes the decision. That is who has the legal power to make the decision. That is the only one with the legal power to make the decision.
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Anonymous
| Support. He may be mid 60's but how is his quality of life? Lease it up to MIL to decide and support what ever she wants. Not your parent or decision. |
Anonymous
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Sorry, OP. It may be that they will come around and are in the denial stage now.
If it were me, I'd at some point suggest gently, "do you think the doctors may be right." But it may take time to get to that point and that may be okay and what they need even if ultimately they agree with you. |