Finding out you have a half sibling as an adult

[Anonymous]

I am wondering if anyone else can share their experiences with learning as an adult (20+) that you have half siblings and what thoughts you had about this? I am trying to understand my BFF's situation as she recently was contacted by a 10 years older half sister that she did not know existed and seems to be having a very difficult time processing it and responding appropriately. Her parents are divorced and she is estranged from her father, the father of the half sibling. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

My DH probably has a half sibling out there. His mom got pregnant at 16 but never told the guy (she got pregnant as a summer camp counselor). We know the name we were told of the guy who is his dad, but we can’t find any difinitive info on him; it’s a very common name. DH isn’t going to contact him, if he ever finds him, for this very reason. He’s also avoided genetics testing kits for this reason.

[Anonymous]

can you be more specific, about how she is having a hard time? Is she upset with her father, or feeling lied to? What does it mean that she's responding inappropriately--lashing out at the half-sister, or overly-embracing the half-sister...if you can be a little clearer, we can maybe help

[Anonymous]

Not sure it's helpful but my father recently (in his 70s) found a half sibling through a genetics website. This is in addition to the half siblings he knew. Their dad is dead and they have mostly enjoyed sharing family info, although some of it is hurtful because grandad was present for some kids and ignored others.

[Anonymous]

My parents had a bitter divorce and went no-contact. Dad remarried and had three more kids. A few years back we all connected thanks to the magic of the internet. We don't see each other in person very often but we email from time to time.

There was really nothing to "process". I got some perspectives on my dad that I wouldn't have otherwise gotten, as my mom's perspective on him is warped by her life-long rage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:can you be more specific, about how she is having a hard time? Is she upset with her father, or feeling lied to? What does it mean that she's responding inappropriately--lashing out at the half-sister, or overly-embracing the half-sister...if you can be a little clearer, we can maybe help

Thanks for the reply. She is just very blocked about the situation and states she is overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start with it, who to discuss it with first (sibling, father, mother?). She is isolating herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:can you be more specific, about how she is having a hard time? Is she upset with her father, or feeling lied to? What does it mean that she's responding inappropriately--lashing out at the half-sister, or overly-embracing the half-sister...if you can be a little clearer, we can maybe help

Thanks for the reply. She is just very blocked about the situation and states she is overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start with it, who to discuss it with first (sibling, father, mother?). She is isolating herself.

Depends on the family. Maybe get as much info from your sibling first (listen more, talk less) to find out what they know. Phone call might be less "threatening" to the sibling than in writing, but in writing might be better for you. How did you find out? How did they find you?

[Anonymous]

In a situation like this where I was the older half-sibling, my sister and I were really happy to suddenly have a sister. My feelings about her are mostly completely separate from my feelings about our shared mother, and my sister and I are pretty close. Our mother is deceased. My father, who I am estranged from, is on his fourth wife and they have three young children. (His fourth wife is only a couple of years older than I am.) I don't know whether those kids know about me, and I'm half-expecting that when they are adults and my father has passed away, they will contact me.

So my advice for your friend is to try to see the new sibling as a positive, and take it slow but try to build some kind of relationship with her. If the sibling is in touch with the father, obviously that makes it harder because your friend may be jealous or it may trigger all the negative father-related feelings she has. She should discuss it with her mother, and with her sibling. She should continue to be estranged from her father if she had good reason to be so before; this doesn't change that.

[Anonymous]

I don’t want to get into specifics, but my favorite half-sibling didn’t know we existed, but we always knew about him.I found him via the Internet. As adults, we’ve formed deep, loving relationships. The shock passes and then you kinda go into limerance. Only when that passes do you figure out if a sibling relationship is possible. This brother is more like a best friend than a sibling.

[Anonymous]

My SIL found out that she has a half-sister. SIL's father got a 22 year old pregnant as a 19 year old. She has never met her half-sister and has no intention to as her father spent his entire life screwing around and this is one more piece of the evidence.

[Anonymous]

My SIL’s MIL - my husband’s sister’s husband’s mother - gave a baby boy up for adoption in the baby scoop era and he found her. He’s a mess and the family had a lot of heartache for years about it because she had never told anyone, even her husband of now 50 years whom she met/married shortly afterwards, but things seem to be OK now. His daughters seem OK even if he isn’t. Scoop baby’s adoptive parents were awful and he has had so many DUIs that he spent years in prison and he can never drive again. It was very hard on my SIL and her husband and confusing for their kids at first.

[Anonymous]

A therapist might be able to help your friend. Encourage her to find one ASAP. I am sure you are very caring, but this is way beyond most of our abilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL found out that she has a half-sister. SIL's father got a 22 year old pregnant as a 19 year old. She has never met her half-sister and has no intention to as her father spent his entire life screwing around and this is one more piece of the evidence.

What does the father’s sexual history have to do with sisters having a relationship as adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL found out that she has a half-sister. SIL's father got a 22 year old pregnant as a 19 year old. She has never met her half-sister and has no intention to as her father spent his entire life screwing around and this is one more piece of the evidence.

Very sad that she projects this on to the sister who really is not at fault in any way.

[Anonymous]

I have several half siblings that do not know about me, and would never have suspected. We are not getting any younger. Still deciding what to do.