DH sucks at empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anytime I’m in pain, have a headache, or had a bad day his response is “I’m sorry.” That’s it, the best he can offer. Seriously he never expands and that’s his main thing to say.

Tonight, in the shower I was standing behind him and he hit me in the eye with his loofah and got soap in my eye. It hurt like a MF and I started crying because it stung SO bad! What does DH say? Nothing. He rinses off and gets out ASAP, then goes into the bedroom to pout and says he didn’t know what to do other than say sorry. WTF? He could have done anything, brought a washcloth, make a suggestion or offer to help, or even make a genuine apology. But he is obviously completely uncomfortable being around someone in pain and has no idea what to do.

It doesn’t help that I’m 36 weeks pregnant and have no idea how this man will react when I’m in pain or deal with a crying newborn.

[Anonymous]

It’s your hormones. You are worried about delivery support. You two will be fine and he’ll be a great dad. Don’t worry. Keep showering together.

[Anonymous]

You cried because you got soap in your eye? Like a few tears from the soapy eye because it stung or full on crying? Was it lye soap? Don’t use lye soap, especially if your pregnant. I’m pretty sure that’s bad for the baby. I’m a menopausal woman and I’m hormonal AF but I would’ve gotten out of the shower too if you cried because I bumped you with the loofah and you started crying too.

When my kids hurt themselves I tell them they’re sorry they’re experiencing that and that it hurts. Should I be saying more? What do you want him to say bedsides he’s sorry you’re in pain? I mean, it’s not his fault (except when he assaults you with a loofah). Isn’t that the standard response? Maybe I’m more low maintenance than I realized.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a mom who was overly sensitive. You get compassion fatigue after awhile. Babies and little kids are different. I'd expect them to cry if their eyes stung from soap. I don't expect a fully grown woman to.

So maybe you're just so over the top that DH is just kind of over it.

[Anonymous]

#dramaqueen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a mom who was overly sensitive. You get compassion fatigue after awhile. Babies and little kids are different. I'd expect them to cry if their eyes stung from soap. I don't expect a fully grown woman to.

So maybe you're just so over the top that DH is just kind of over it.

+1 exhausting

[Anonymous]

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

So. You need more empathy. Have you told him exactly what you'd like? That you'd like a hug with that "I'm sorry" or that you want him to say "what can I do for you?"

I don't know why you think he went to the bedroom to pout. It sounds like you were projecting, because you were pouting in the shower.

Sorry your eye was hurt. And that your husband said he was sorry, but didn't attend to your needs.

Get ready .... your needs are going to be on hold for the next 5-18 years.

[Anonymous]

I think you were crying more about your DH being inattentive then the pain from soap in your eye. Right? And he probably sensed that and felt overwhelmed. But has he always been this way? He can learn what you would like him to say but it just doesn’t sound like it comes naturally to him; that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. If you were in tears from soap in your eye then you are likely at the opposite end of the spectrum than he is in terms of expressing emotion.

Maybe try to focus on how he DOES show he cares. It may not be the same way you do, but that’s okay. What attracted you to him? What do you love about him? You might need to shift your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Just to add...when I have a headache, or a strained muscle, etc. I take care of it myself. My DH is empathic in general but I don’t know that he would offer suggestions or do more than say “I’m sorry.”

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what else besides “I’m Sorry yiu have a headache” you? Do you need him to fetch Tylenol, cold water, and a vinegar compress for your head? If so... use your words and ask him. I don’t think that’s a lack of empathy if he’s not running around for a headache like a trauma doc dealing with someone with a compromise used airway and 2 severed limbs.

I’ve learnd through the years that my DH is unable to open a bottle of analgesics, so as soon as I hear him complain of a headache, I employ my amazing opposable thumb and open a bottle for him, dole out 2 pills that he could get himself, and fetch a glass of water. Poor soul travelled this week and it was stressful for him to put his own eye drops in. He is amazing and capable in so many ways, but I already know I’m getting my own Advil.

Now, I saythis as kindly as possible... but crying in the shower over loofah soap in your eye is just ridiculous. I trust you’ve gotten shampoo in your eyes before.. this is hardly life/death/ life changing. Based on your one reaction, I’m going to ask yiu hinestly: are you sure that he’s not empathetic, or do you think he just is burned out having to pretend to be empathetic and fixing every little drama?

[Anonymous]

My husband doesn't even say I'm sorry!

[Anonymous]

Your husband truly sucks. If I had been in the shower with you, I would have given you empathy and a whole lot more attention.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have a second kid with this guy. You’ll have to do all the emotional lifting with your child.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about empathy, but your DH definitely sucks at mind reading. So tell him what you want from him. Be mature and direct, not pouty and passive-aggressive. It's unfair to tell him he's doing empathy wrong without explaining how he could make you feel empathized with. And personally, if I told DH about a headache or a bad day, "I'm sorry" is pretty much what I'd expect.

The shower thing is just ridiculous. It was an accident. Cut the guy some slack.