Should I have my child repeat 3rd grade?

[Anonymous]

My son is 9 with an October birthday, so currently one of the older kids in his public 3rd grade. However, he had some challenging health issues in infancy and early childhood and is short and immature for his age.

We had a chance to have him do a junior K year but were assured he was ready for K. We're now kicking ourselves. He is working on grade level, with OK grades, but there are gaps in what he can do (example: doesn't have his addition and subtraction facts memorized). He started school with an IEP and each year they have removed supports, so he now only gets help with focusing on doing his work, especially longer assignments like writing. He has been tested for ADHD and it was inconclusive, although I suspect he does have it. His teachers tend to believe he is generally doing okay.

But beyond the academic, we are more worried about his emotional and social life. He doesn't have close friends. His friends from 1st and 2nd grade now seem a lot older and don't seem to be as interested in playing with him. Though he usually keeps it together at school, at home he has frequent tantrums and is impulsive with poor self control. His school is generally high-performing, and we don't see things getting easier in 4th grade. His therapist believes he would benefit from being held back.

I'm guessing the public school will resist holding him back so we know we may need to switch to a private school to do it. Any thoughts or personal experience?

[Anonymous]

If you do, I would switch schools. Good luck. I am sure this is a tough decision. Have you tried outside tutoring?

[Anonymous]

No, get him a neuropsych and hire an educational consultant to get him a better IEP OR put him in a small private that can give him more attention. Get him a tutor to help with the gaps in education or supplement at home. Don't hold him back if he's the oldest already. Get him the help he needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, get him a neuropsych and hire an educational consultant to get him a better IEP OR put him in a small private that can give him more attention. Get him a tutor to help with the gaps in education or supplement at home. Don't hold him back if he's the oldest already. Get him the help he needs.

Agreed. Being almost 10 when lots of kids are not even 8 will be a major blow to his ego, and that will get worse over time. The issue doesn't seem to be one that just time will fix. A tutor, social skills class etc. would be the direction I would go.

[Anonymous]

Being almost 10 when lots of kids are not even 8 will be a major blow to his ego

OP here. Yes, I worry about this too. His therapist says his self esteem will be harmed more by constantly comparing himself to same-age peers that he can't keep up with.

[Anonymous]

If I could do it again (and my son is a HS graduate now), I would hold him back and put him in private school. Public school isn't going to agree to hold him back absent dire circumstances, which is not what you describe. But, my son struggled all through school and never once had a time that he enjoyed it. If he had been given a bit more time to get on his feet at a younger age, he would have had the chance not to have years of total misery.

If your son already lacks friends, trust me, it doesn't get better. And when they are older and they no longer want to hang with parents, it is a very lonely time.

[Anonymous]

He is doing generally okay academically at his high-achieving academic school but counts on his fingers so you're considering having him repeat 3rd grade? Some high schoolers count on their fingers so there must be more to it than that.

Having friends at school is nice but sometimes it doesn't happen. Is he in a sport or extracurricular? Invite someone over from one of those activities to form a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, get him a neuropsych and hire an educational consultant to get him a better IEP OR put him in a small private that can give him more attention. Get him a tutor to help with the gaps in education or supplement at home. Don't hold him back if he's the oldest already. Get him the help he needs.

Agreed. Being almost 10 when lots of kids are not even 8 will be a major blow to his ego, and that will get worse over time. The issue doesn't seem to be one that just time will fix. A tutor, social skills class etc. would be the direction I would go.

Same here. The issues you describe don't seem like the kinds of things that resolve with age, and it's not clear that he'll do any better socially with even younger kids if he's already one of the oldest kids in his grade. And he (and they) will be able to figure out that he's 2+ years older than everyone. I'd look for therapy, tutoring, and social skills work to help him fill in the gaps.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely not hold him back. He needs help to work on his weaknesses- these will not just disappear in a class with kids 1 year younger. Get a full neuropsych assessment ASAP.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t have him repeat, but could you move him to private school for a few years? Maybe the rest of elementary and into middle school. It might be that he’d do better and learn more effectively with smaller class sizes and more individual attention. And in late middle or the start of high school, he could move back to the public schools. I’d also look into tutoring, as others have recommended.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have enough information to make a decision. Why is he struggling socially? In what ways are his early challenges still affecting him? I would get him a comprehensive evaluation to learn the role of anxiety or attention or social cognition or language or whatever in his difficulties. If he has a brain based difference, he needs appropriate supports and interventions, not just be held back.

[Anonymous]

A private is still going to require private supports and therapies in less you go to one that specializes in SN/LD. Get the child the help now and stop waiting.

[Anonymous]

Please take your child's size out of the picture. My 11 yr old DS has friends that are the size of my 7 yr old. They seem to be doing just fine. I completely agree with a new eval at a different location and an improved IEP. Also, talk to the teachers. See where and why he is struggling in school. Have the school psych shadow him for a while and assess where he may be struggling. The school will usually want to cut services, particularly for kids that are on grade level, but you don't have to agree with their decision. I didn't the first time that the school wanted to get rid of my DS's IEP. We finally came to an agreement to have him re-evaluated and watched for another year before we made the transition to a 504 Plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please take your child's size out of the picture. My 11 yr old DS has friends that are the size of my 7 yr old. They seem to be doing just fine. I completely agree with a new eval at a different location and an improved IEP. Also, talk to the teachers. See where and why he is struggling in school. Have the school psych shadow him for a while and assess where he may be struggling. The school will usually want to cut services, particularly for kids that are on grade level, but you don't have to agree with their decision. I didn't the first time that the school wanted to get rid of my DS's IEP. We finally came to an agreement to have him re-evaluated and watched for another year before we made the transition to a 504 Plan.

It will become a bigger issue in middle school. The school isn't helping. OP needs to supplement with a private evaluation and services/tutoring vs. holding back. This child is already older for the grade so holding back will be worse socially later on.

[Anonymous]

It’s really hard to be held back these days especially since he has an IEP. I highly doubt the school would allow it so making a decision won’t be something you have to worry about.