Nanny emphasizing religion with kids

[Anonymous]

Our nanny of over a year is extremely religious. DH and I were both raised Catholic but do not actively practice.

We love our nanny and so does our toddler (2) and our baby (6 months). She has always done morning prayers with them, and because I know it's important to her, I am fine with that. They pray before meals also and she reads lots of little Bible stories with them. That is mostly okay with me, but as DD gets older, I am becoming concerned that she is emphasizing a belief system we don't entirely agree with. For example, she tells DD not to do certain things or Jesus will be made at her, which is not something I want to promote.
I know that these are very strongly held beliefs and having her stop with this kind of thing is probably a deal breaker.

Would you risk losing an otherwise great nanny over this?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I’d be ok with anyone telling my child that Jesus would be mad at her. Seriously, she’s a toddler. Yes I’d find someone new if this is a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

This does sound like a deal breaker for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’d be ok with anyone telling my child that Jesus would be mad at her. Seriously, she’s a toddler. Yes I’d find someone new if this is a deal breaker.

+1

No way I'd let my child be in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’d be ok with anyone telling my child that Jesus would be mad at her. Seriously, she’s a toddler. Yes I’d find someone new if this is a deal breaker.

Exactly. Also it's a terrible discipline technique so I'd question this nanny's ability to actually discipline my children. If you have to threaten eternal damnation to get someone to behave, you are not doing it right.

[Anonymous]

Prayers are fine. Reading Bible stories are fine. Telling them that Jesus will be mad at them? NOT OK and needs to stop immediately. Using religion or Jesus to instill fear in kids is awful.

What did she say to you when you talked to her about this?

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why it has to be either or.

Why can’t you have a conversation with her? It seems silly to fire an otherwise great nanny because you can’t communicate simple parenting decisions:
“Nanny I think it’s wonderful that you’re sharing your faith with DD. The prayers before meals are great and I love that you read her bible stories. However, at this age I want to focus on the positive aspects of religion. I don’t want to talk about hell or tell her that Jesus will be mad at her if she misbehaves.”

If the nanny is receptive, you’re done, all is well. In the unlikely case that she feels she has to focus on the punishment aspects of religion, let her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: For example, she tells DD not to do certain things or Jesus will be made at her, which is not something I want to promote.

This sounds like a childcare skill gap to me. Even if you insert someone else in the place of "Jesus" it's not ideal. "Don't do X or your mother will be mad when she gets home." "Don't do Y or your parents will be mad at you when they find out." There are other, better ways to talk to toddlers about decision-making in the moment. Your nanny needs to add some tools into her toolbox to handle these situations better.

Prayers and bible stories are all fine. No problem at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why it has to be either or.

Why can’t you have a conversation with her? It seems silly to fire an otherwise great nanny because you can’t communicate simple parenting decisions:
“Nanny I think it’s wonderful that you’re sharing your faith with DD. The prayers before meals are great and I love that you read her bible stories. However, at this age I want to focus on the positive aspects of religion. I don’t want to talk about hell or tell her that Jesus will be mad at her if she misbehaves.”

If the nanny is receptive, you’re done, all is well. In the unlikely case that she feels she has to focus on the punishment aspects of religion, let her go.

This. Personally, if I d all religion to be archaic, but if you are religious AND agree with what she is teaching your child, then allow her to focus on the POSITIVE aspects of religion. This is YOUR child and there are plenty of wonderful nannies out there.

[Anonymous]

Personally, it would really, *really* bother me that she undertook all of these activities without exploring your comfort level first. Religion is not for everyone. I would ask that she not undertake religious activities at all. I would not fire her over it because it sounds like she is otherwise great but would just ask that she not insert religion into their day. It's really not necessary to do morning prayers, bible stories, prayers before meals, and the whole guilt trip. If you are comfortable with some but not all, you have to communicate where you draw the line.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks so much for the responses. I think my post was unclear re: the dealbreaker part. I am pretty sure that not injecting at least some religion into their day is a dealbreaker for our nanny. I am going to have a conversation with her about the "Jesus will be mad" type stuff and also about dialing it down in general. We'll see how it goes.

Honestly, DH and I are still figuring out how we will religiously educate our kids (if at all) but I do want to be the one making that call.

[Anonymous]

For me it would be the deal breaker. If she is an ardent believer she will still find a way to slip in fear of Jesus the best way she can. My DH's cousin grew up with a very religious nanny and as an adult he joined a very conservative religious community that none of his family belong to, and he is raising his 6 kids super strict and religious (e.g. 7 yo daughter has to wear a floor length skirt over leggins for modesty). Parents are the ones who should teach values and religion (if any), otherwise you can end up with things that are very foreign to you simply because you let this go, or think it's being "managed" by your conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks so much for the responses. I think my post was unclear re: the dealbreaker part. I am pretty sure that not injecting at least some religion into their day is a dealbreaker for our nanny. I am going to have a conversation with her about the "Jesus will be mad" type stuff and also about dialing it down in general. We'll see how it goes.

Honestly, DH and I are still figuring out how we will religiously educate our kids (if at all) but I do want to be the one making that call.

This is not going to help you. She will still do it, or some version of it.

[Anonymous]

This is ultimately why I quit my job and stayed home with my kids, sorry to say. I was always worried about the values and attitudes which were being transmitted to my kids once they were old enough to talk, and I never really found anyone whose values and attitudes were close enough to mine that I wanted to give them that power to shape my kids' thoughts and identities.

I even served at one point as a coordinator for an au pair program and ultimately decided that I was less interested in "exchanging" values and ideas with a not very academically inclined Eastern European teenager, as I was in actually passing on our family's own values and attitudes to our kids.

I felt like having someone else spend that much time with my kids and shaping in that way would only work if they were really an awful lot like me -- feminist, socially liberal but still religious, kind of type A, etc.
I think I was probably the employer from hell because I wanted to choose what the kids ate, the music they listened to in the minivan on the way to swim lessons, etc. All of that was really important to me and it ultimately made it impossible to delegate.
It sounds like that's kind of what you're struggling with too.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell her you do not mind your children thinking of Jesus as love, but you do not want her scaring your children with him. This should resonate with her.