Infertility and Emotional Issues

[Anonymous]

First, I know I should see a therapist, which I am planning to do soon. I have been dealing with infertility for many years.

Over time, I have become much less compassionate in general. When acquaintances or colleagues share their troubles or health concerns, I always internally roll my eyes and and think to myself how nice it must be to have such minor problems. For example, I met someone who was sharing about coping with post-partum depression, and my only thought was "you should so happy, you have beautiful and healthy children". A family member was sharing about her difficult job situation and my thought was "so quit and get a new one, this is something you can change (unlike infertility)". At work when colleagues are telling me about their illness or family troubles, I just want to roll my eyes and tell them to get on with, so many people have it much harder.

Of course I never say these things out loud and make the appropriate comments like "that sounds hard", "so sorry to hear that". Generally I am not a person to feel sorry for myself, but I sense that I am becoming that way and it is not a positive change. Outside of seeing a therapist, is there anything that can help these thought patterns?

[Anonymous]

This is really hard, OP. I too have found myself changed by this process and not always for the better.

It sounds like what you need is compassion directed to you in proportion to what you are being asked to give to others. A lot of this is going to have to come from within. Can you really look at yourself and your situation tenderly and find deep compassion for yourself and all you have been through? Not just anger and sadness at your circumstances, but also genuine kindness to yourself as if you are a small, vulnerable child. You say you're not one to feel sorry for yourself, but infertility is awful. You don't need to wallow in pity, but you do need to acknowledge with love toward yourself what a hard thing it is you are going through. I believe there are even self-compassion meditations you can do.

The other thing that seems to kill people in this process is the secret keeping. I know you probably don't want to broadcast your fertility problems to the world, but do you have someone in your life other than your partner who knows what's going on? I've found it's important to tell some people so you can be on the receiving end of their compassion.

[Anonymous]

I found that when I carried such secret grief it made me realize that so many others do it, for all sorts of reasons. I also found it helpful to share with some trusted people about my issue. I like the way the PP put it "be on the receiving end of their compassion." If it's so central to our life and emotions, it is good to share with some trusted people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I know I should see a therapist, which I am planning to do soon. I have been dealing with infertility for many years.

Over time, I have become much less compassionate in general. When acquaintances or colleagues share their troubles or health concerns, I always internally roll my eyes and and think to myself how nice it must be to have such minor problems. For example, I met someone who was sharing about coping with post-partum depression, and my only thought was "you should so happy, you have beautiful and healthy children". A family member was sharing about her difficult job situation and my thought was "so quit and get a new one, this is something you can change (unlike infertility)". At work when colleagues are telling me about their illness or family troubles, I just want to roll my eyes and tell them to get on with, so many people have it much harder.

Of course I never say these things out loud and make the appropriate comments like "that sounds hard", "so sorry to hear that". Generally I am not a person to feel sorry for myself, but I sense that I am becoming that way and it is not a positive change. Outside of seeing a therapist, is there anything that can help these thought patterns?

This could be me. Its been 5 years since I had my initial testing and started on this hellish road. Since the dreadful sense of this will never end in success set in about 2 years ago I have found I dont have any feelings left for other people's troubles. I find myself feeling numb and distant when they describe them and it scares me bc its just another way in which I feel cut off from normal life. Infertility feels so isolating, in part bc the struggles are considered private, the miscarriages are not announced, and really compared to that person with cancer, I am in good health, yet the invisible hole is consuming me.

One way I combat this is to purposefully try to participate in the joyful parts of life. For example, I am lucky that a dear friend from high school lives nearby; I go to her kids' soccer games and other events, fun daily things. Somehow participating in other ppls good times seems to revive me. Bc we've known each other forever its been easier to communicate my sadness and she always includes me in a way that others dont think to.

[Anonymous]

Are you in the DC area? If so I highly reco a support group. It has made a world of a difference to be surrounded by other women walking this same path. My friends are great but without experiencing it, they simply cannot relate.

[Anonymous]

I think that's totally normal. When you carry a heavy burden, it's harder to feel like taking up part of someone else's, even if it is just for a moment as they talk about it, esp b/c infertility isn't something you can usually share. If you can share, it's usually easier to feel compassion, although even then, it's nearly impossible to do so for someone who is taking issue with the thing you want most and are killing yourself to get.

Sounds like you realize you're being hard on people, so it's not like you're losing self awareness on the issue. I know that I'd feel that way, too, sometimes, but then there's the voice that also reminds me everyone's different. Also, while dealing with IF, I think it's reasonable to know that you're not the person to be particularly supportive to someone with PPD or something similar.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I may look into a support group. Another thing that has been challenging is the advice that talking about will help - for me it’s the opposite and I feel worse. The only exception is talking about it with others who are experiencing the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I may look into a support group. Another thing that has been challenging is the advice that talking about will help - for me it’s the opposite and I feel worse. The only exception is talking about it with others who are experiencing the same thing.

totally agree with this - My therapist asks my why I don't tell people - well, i told my mom and it made me feel horrible. she was so sad and it made me even sadder.... and now that I've asked her not to mention it to me unless I mention it first- i can still see the pity in her eyes. its pure hell and i wish support groups were something the clinics advertised more. i feel like at SG at least you have to sort of seek them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I may look into a support group. Another thing that has been challenging is the advice that talking about will help - for me it’s the opposite and I feel worse. The only exception is talking about it with others who are experiencing the same thing.

totally agree with this - My therapist asks my why I don't tell people - well, i told my mom and it made me feel horrible. she was so sad and it made me even sadder.... and now that I've asked her not to mention it to me unless I mention it first- i can still see the pity in her eyes. its pure hell and i wish support groups were something the clinics advertised more. i feel like at SG at least you have to sort of seek them out.

Heal from within in tenleytown has a great group.