My dad died two years ago and it's just hitting me now

[Anonymous]

My father passed away from cancer about two years ago. First I'll say it was sad but not tragic - he was in his 70s and while we all wish we could have had another 20 years with him, he died peacefully and surrounded by loving family and without a single regret. He even left behind a memoir for me and my mother.

The thing is, when my dad died, I was able to cope with it fairly easily at the time because I was going through a whirlwind of my own life changes and I was able to keep really, really busy. I got a new job, a new home, a new relationship, a new set of friends and all different kind of things, mostly good, happened over the course of the last year or so.

But now that things have kind of settled down for me, the grief is hitting me hard. There are so many things that I wish I could tell my father about or ask him for advice about or just ideas I wish I could share with him, and he isn't there. My mother is no match - I love her equally, but the things we share are just totally different. My mom took the loss much harder earlier on but she has slowly built her new life around it and gradually accepted it, whereas I am having this very delayed reaction and feeling of emptiness.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. Big hugs to you. Is there a good friend you can talk to about this? Someone who knew your father?

[Anonymous]

A parental loss bereavement group really helped me with the grieving process. It was an 8 week long group, meeting once a week. There were people there who lost their parents 3 years prior as well as those of us who were months into it. All benefitted. Hospitals and hospice groups offer these a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Your delayed reaction is completely normal. My mom passed away a year ago. I have 2 little kids and we actually had a really good summer last year, all things considering. As the anniversary approaches, though, I've been having a really hard time coping with it. I never understood it before when people say anniversaries are hard, until now. It stirs up so many memories and feelings.

[Anonymous]

So normal, op. Losing a parent is huge. It can take a long time to work your way through the grief process. And even then, I’d say you’ll still feel an empty spot in your life, even as you get used to it being there.

[Anonymous]

I agree that maybe a bereavement group could help.

Although, I will say, my parent died (unexpectedly) three years ago. I thought I had processed it well at the time but I still have my days where I am sitting in my car by myself and think "Oh my god, Mom is gone" and I lose it. It isn't very often but it still happens.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have recently been dreaming about my mother who passed away a year ago. I wake up overwhelmed with sadness. At the time I felt grief but i was surprised by how easy it felt to deal with. I guess somee of us just take longer to process things.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I lost my sad fairly unexpectedly in November of 2017 and I was lucky enough to have 4 days before he passed saying goodbye and just being with him. I cried more in those four days then I have ever cried in my life. Once he died, I felt sort of a relief- like I was so scared he was about to die but once it happened I was like OK. I also had my two kids (12 and 10 at the time) with me so was helping them through their grief as well. My older sister was more "stable" during the last four days we had with him, but fell apart after and was a mess for almost a year- depressed, gained like 5o pounds, couldn't;t get out of bed. I felt sad but ok, was able to function, etc. Fast forward to now, where my sister and step mom finally feel like their fog is lifting, and I am having the opposite where I feel SO SAD and miss him so incredibly much. Just in the last few weeks I have had so many random moments where I remember I can't pick up the phone and call him, or I think of something and think "dad would love this". My son also just celebrated his Bar Mitzvah which was incredibly hard without my dad here. I guess my point is that I think grief comes in waves and affects us differently. My good friends who have been there have all said there are days when it hits you like a Mack truck out of nowhere. They are so right. Sending you big hugs. It is a shitty ass club to belong to.

[Anonymous]

NP: posters who were helped by bereavement groups, how did you find out about them in the first place?

Thanks for your answers.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you're right - the change and newness that was happening in your life when your father died eased you through the first couple of years, but that a return to a new normality has opened up space for grieving. Other posters' suggestions about joining a bereavement groups could be helpful.

[Anonymous]

My father died a year ago and it’s been one of the most difficult years of my life. I was surprised that the days leading up to the anniversary made me so sad, since I had felt that I had finally accepted the loss. Parental loss is profound, complicated and different for every person. I found three books that were helpful: The Orphaned Adult by Alexander Levy, How to Survive the Loss of a Parent by Lois Akner, and Healing the Adult Child’s Grieving Heart by Alan Wolfelt.

[Anonymous]

I lost my dad in 2013. It was unexpected and I never got to resolve some issues I had with him. My initial reaction to his death was anger. And to be honest, that anger is still subsiding...We all take grief differently and on our own timelines. Take it from me, you are lucky you got to say goodbye.

[Anonymous]

My father died in 1992, when I was in my twenties. I've always missed him, but now that I have children, there are countless moments when I think, "I really wish my father could have been here for this."

You'll never be over it, OP. It's Ok to be sad. You just have to keep living, and always remember. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

My father died 15 months ago and the first few months were such a blur. A lot of the first year was getting through things. Now, into the second year it has hit me very hard. I cry at least once a day though my kids and husband don’t see it. I do it when nobody is around. I miss him so damn much. I used to text with him daily and talked frequently. My kids were 9 and 12 and very close to him. A lot of my mourning is also that they no longer have a grandfather who was such a big part of their lives. I mourn the loss of that relationship for them because he was just such a great influence. My sisters kids were all over 18 and saw the bonds and help they received from him all the way through high school and college.

The second year has been harder for me.

[Anonymous]

My Mom is terminally ill right now and lost my Dad 25 years ago. It is so hard. I was so sad for 6 months or more after my Dad and still cry out of the blue. Now with my Mom I know I can survive but already I can see how very much I will miss her for the rest of my life. I try to be mindful each day I get to spend with her. I think the grief groups sound like a great idea. I am so sorry about your loss.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's never too late to express this to your mother. If she's not in the same emotional place as you, that's possible. But I'd guess your grief is matched by her even though it appears she has moved on. Reach out to her.Express yourself. Don't leave the most expression be here on this board.