Learned something peculiar? about a friends relationship tonight

[Anonymous]

I have worked, and become close friends with a woman, Larla, over the last ~10 years. She's had a live-in partner for close to 20 years (they've never married). He's a lovely guy, we've all socialized together, they've been to my house for major holidays, etc.

Anyway, I had an event (networking type of thing) to go to tonight after work with another coworker, Michelle. Larla knew where we were going and where it was going to be held. Midway through the day, she sends both Michelle and I a message saying that her spouse might be at this event we're headed to, and if we see him would we please cover for her. Apparently several weeks ago she told her spouse that she and Michelle had to travel to a work event together. At the same time, she was telling all of us at work that she was going out of town for a getaway with spouse and his relatives who were here from out of town.

Now, I know that Larlas had a really difficult time of it lately. She and her spouse have both had very ill parents for years that have required a lot of care, been in and out of hospitals, and one passed away. She's been under a lot of pressure at work, too. I can understand why she might need to get away, but beyond that I'm kind of at a loss.

Do I ask her what the hell is going on now that I know this? Just pretend like it didn't happen? She obviously didn't want to share this with me, and only did so because she thought we might see her spouse. I'd like to be a good friend here but I'm not sure exactly what that entails under these circumstances. Is she cheating? If so I don't know if I want to know and be put in the position of keeping that secret, so I'm not sure I want to ask more questions. But if you're so stressed (and she has very legitimate reasons to be) that you're lying to everyone to run away for a few days, maybe it has nothing to do with cheating but you're on the verge of some kind of breakdown and need someone to talk to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have worked, and become close friends with a woman, Larla, over the last ~10 years. She's had a live-in partner for close to 20 years (they've never married). He's a lovely guy, we've all socialized together, they've been to my house for major holidays, etc.

Anyway, I had an event (networking type of thing) to go to tonight after work with another coworker, Michelle. Larla knew where we were going and where it was going to be held. Midway through the day, she sends both Michelle and I a message saying that her spouse might be at this event we're headed to, and if we see him would we please cover for her. Apparently several weeks ago she told her spouse that she and Michelle had to travel to a work event together. At the same time, she was telling all of us at work that she was going out of town for a getaway with spouse and his relatives who were here from out of town.

Now, I know that Larlas had a really difficult time of it lately. She and her spouse have both had very ill parents for years that have required a lot of care, been in and out of hospitals, and one passed away. She's been under a lot of pressure at work, too. I can understand why she might need to get away, but beyond that I'm kind of at a loss.

Do I ask her what the hell is going on now that I know this? Just pretend like it didn't happen? She obviously didn't want to share this with me, and only did so because she thought we might see her spouse. I'd like to be a good friend here but I'm not sure exactly what that entails under these circumstances. Is she cheating? If so I don't know if I want to know and be put in the position of keeping that secret, so I'm not sure I want to ask more questions. But if you're so stressed (and she has very legitimate reasons to be) that you're lying to everyone to run away for a few days, maybe it has nothing to do with cheating but you're on the verge of some kind of breakdown and need someone to talk to?

Your friend is not a good friend to you. I would not lie for her. Tell her the circumstances are crazy and you wonder if she's cheating. See what she says.

[Anonymous]

The "whether or not to lie for her" shop has sailed, for tonight at least. I posted this once I got home from the event.

We did see Larla's spouse, and he did bring up the trip, and Michelle played along. I was not about to announce "Michelle is lying because Larla asked her to" in front of his coworkers who were there with him. So that's done. I didn't lie myself, because I was never part of the story about being on the trip, but I didn't "out" the truth either.

[Anonymous]

I’d go to lunch with her alone and ask her what’s up. I wouldn’t push it if she doesn’t tell you, but I’d at least ask.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to her and see what she says. Then, I would tell her that I will NEVER lie for her. It's up to her to cover her tracks, not you. She will probably remove herself from the friendship so be prepared.

[Anonymous]

You know Larla is having an affair, right?

[Anonymous]

I understand why one would make up a work trip as an alibi for your live-in partner, but why would you make up a story for your coworkers? If it’s a midweek rendezvous, just say you are taking some PTO.

Larla sounds personality disordered. I wouldn’t proactively rat her out to her partner, but I would quickly start distancing myself from her. Don’t ask what’s up, don’t ask if she is having an affair, just be “really busy” with your widget-making project, and unable to chitchat or go to lunch. Don’t tell anyone (including Michelle) what you’re doing.

[Anonymous]

You didn't use her real name, right?

[Anonymous]

In my experience, women just take it for granted that their woman friends will lie for them. All of the lying women I've known had friends who were a part of at least some of their lies. This can't be the first time you have dealt with this?

[Anonymous]

"It seems like you are under a lot of stress now. I know that's tough, and if I can listen or help, I'm happy to. One thing I can't do is lie for you, so please don't put me in that situation."

[Anonymous]

You stated that Larla never married this man - yet you refer to him consistently later on as her “spouse.”

Me already confused.

Anyway Larla does not sound like a very honest friend since she also lied to you earlier about going out of town w/her “spouse.”

She just lacks basic integrity & I would not want to keep her as my friend.
Who knows what else she is lying to your face about??!

[Anonymous]

I would not be comfortable lying for her, and I would tell her that. Her life is her business and I don’t want to know what’s actually going on, but I also don’t want to place myself in the middle of their relationship and go against my own values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have worked, and become close friends with a woman, Larla, over the last ~10 years. She's had a live-in partner for close to 20 years (they've never married). He's a lovely guy, we've all socialized together, they've been to my house for major holidays, etc.

Anyway, I had an event (networking type of thing) to go to tonight after work with another coworker, Michelle. Larla knew where we were going and where it was going to be held. Midway through the day, she sends both Michelle and I a message saying that her spouse might be at this event we're headed to, and if we see him would we please cover for her. Apparently several weeks ago she told her spouse that she and Michelle had to travel to a work event together. At the same time, she was telling all of us at work that she was going out of town for a getaway with spouse and his relatives who were here from out of town.

Now, I know that Larlas had a really difficult time of it lately. She and her spouse have both had very ill parents for years that have required a lot of care, been in and out of hospitals, and one passed away. She's been under a lot of pressure at work, too. I can understand why she might need to get away, but beyond that I'm kind of at a loss.

Do I ask her what the hell is going on now that I know this? Just pretend like it didn't happen? She obviously didn't want to share this with me, and only did so because she thought we might see her spouse. I'd like to be a good friend here but I'm not sure exactly what that entails under these circumstances. Is she cheating? If so I don't know if I want to know and be put in the position of keeping that secret, so I'm not sure I want to ask more questions. But if you're so stressed (and she has very legitimate reasons to be) that you're lying to everyone to run away for a few days, maybe it has nothing to do with cheating but you're on the verge of some kind of breakdown and need someone to talk to?

Happened to me, too. Though the event was a getaway that I had to cancel on so two other women also backed out, but “Jane” still went and even made fake social media posts to cover her tracks. She also lied about what happened to our deposit. Ultimately, I decided that I felt uncomfortable with deceiving her SO. We are no longer friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You stated that Larla never married this man - yet you refer to him consistently later on as her “spouse.”

Me already confused.

Anyway Larla does not sound like a very honest friend since she also lied to you earlier about going out of town w/her “spouse.”

She just lacks basic integrity & I would not want to keep her as my friend.
Who knows what else she is lying to your face about??!

I used "spouse" rather than "husband" because they are not married. Sorry if that was unclear. Perhaps I should have used "SO."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[/b]I understand why one would make up a work trip as an alibi for your live-in partner, but why would you make up a story for your coworkers? If it’s a midweek rendezvous, just say you are taking some PTO.[b]

Larla sounds personality disordered. I wouldn’t proactively rat her out to her partner, but I would quickly start distancing myself from her. Don’t ask what’s up, don’t ask if she is having an affair, just be “really busy” with your widget-making project, and unable to chitchat or go to lunch. Don’t tell anyone (including Michelle) what you’re doing.

Yes, she did take time off work but I'm not clear on why she made up the story she told us for doing it either. I'm also not clear on whether her spouse actually did go away with his relatives who were in town, or not. Because if he didn't, and we'd run into him in the city (we all live and work fairly close together) we would have asked why he was here, since Larla took time off so they could take his relatives out of town.