Learned something peculiar? about a friends relationship tonight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have worked, and become close friends with a woman, Larla, over the last ~10 years. She's had a live-in partner for close to 20 years (they've never married). He's a lovely guy, we've all socialized together, they've been to my house for major holidays, etc.

Anyway, I had an event (networking type of thing) to go to tonight after work with another coworker, Michelle. Larla knew where we were going and where it was going to be held. Midway through the day, she sends both Michelle and I a message saying that her spouse might be at this event we're headed to, and if we see him would we please cover for her. Apparently several weeks ago she told her spouse that she and Michelle had to travel to a work event together. At the same time, she was telling all of us at work that she was going out of town for a getaway with spouse and his relatives who were here from out of town.

Now, I know that Larlas had a really difficult time of it lately. She and her spouse have both had very ill parents for years that have required a lot of care, been in and out of hospitals, and one passed away. She's been under a lot of pressure at work, too. I can understand why she might need to get away, but beyond that I'm kind of at a loss.

Do I ask her what the hell is going on now that I know this? Just pretend like it didn't happen? She obviously didn't want to share this with me, and only did so because she thought we might see her spouse. I'd like to be a good friend here but I'm not sure exactly what that entails under these circumstances. Is she cheating? If so I don't know if I want to know and be put in the position of keeping that secret, so I'm not sure I want to ask more questions. But if you're so stressed (and she has very legitimate reasons to be) that you're lying to everyone to run away for a few days, maybe it has nothing to do with cheating but you're on the verge of some kind of breakdown and need someone to talk to?

Happened to me, too. Though the event was a getaway that I had to cancel on so two other women also backed out, but “Jane” still went and even made fake social media posts to cover her tracks. She also lied about what happened to our deposit. Ultimately, I decided that I felt uncomfortable with deceiving her SO. We are no longer friends.

Op here, and I'm a little confused, sorry. So you and your friends had planned to go on a group trip but 3 of you had to cancel and the last one, Jane, said she went alone (to you guys? To her husband?) but didn't? What did she actually do instead? Stay in town but not at home? Go to a different destination?

Or did she tell her husband that all 4 of you went even after 3 of you canceled, and go by herself but her husband thought you were all there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, women just take it for granted that their woman friends will lie for them. All of the lying women I've known had friends who were a part of at least some of their lies. This can't be the first time you have dealt with this?

I have certainly had friends do things that they didn't want made public over the years (for instance, one friend who was single slept with her boss) but since I don't work with them, and had never met him, and she wasn't married so I wasn't keeping anything from her husband, it wasn't so much a matter of lying as it was just not announcing to our group of friends "hey guys, guess what? Susan's doing her boss!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It seems like you are under a lot of stress now. I know that's tough, and if I can listen or help, I'm happy to. One thing I can't do is lie for you, so please don't put me in that situation."

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It seems like you are under a lot of stress now. I know that's tough, and if I can listen or help, I'm happy to. One thing I can't do is lie for you, so please don't put me in that situation."

This

I'm OP, and I like this approach. What's the line between "keeping something in confidence" and lying though? For instance, if I tell her I'm willing to listen but not lie and she tells me she is having an affair, but that she won't ask me to cover for her again, then what? I keep it quiet as long as I'm not put in a position to outright lie/alibi her if he asks me?

[Anonymous]

Argh, that Larla... Incorrigible!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I used "spouse" rather than "husband" because they are not married.

I don’t think the word “spouse” means what you think it means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I used "spouse" rather than "husband" because they are not married.

I don’t think the word “spouse” means what you think it means.

Yep. “Partner” is what you’re looking for to describe a long term committed relationship and leave vague whether they are married or not. Spouse is just a gender neutral term for husband/wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Argh, that Larla... Incorrigible!

... and a slut too!

Incorrigible... Lol, I love Easy-A!