Feeling sad that ex has moved on but I haven't

[Anonymous]

My DD is 4 years old and her dad and I broke up when I was pregnant (we were never married). He helped out a lot when she was a baby but we've seen him less and less over the yrs. He is on the road 7-8 months of the year so he only sees our DD infrequently. We've never really broken off our sexual relationship until recently. He has found a girlfriend that he seems more serious about than all of the other girls he has been with over the years. He never wants to get married or have kids so I can't really see any of his relationships going far. Now he asks to take our DD for a day or two to his place. He has never shown an interest in doing this before so I am assuming this might be his girlfriend's idea ("How cute would it be to have your daughter visit for the weekend") The few times he has asked, I've said no b/c he has to work and I am no comfortable letting some woman I've never met take care of my DD. He thinks I am being ridiculous but I tell him I would never leave our DD with a babysitter I've never met so how is this any different? I am sure in 6 months time this relationship will end as all of his others have. But I am feeling sad today b/c I am alone. I don't have the time to date since I have my DD 24/7 and most days, I am too damn tired to even think about it. I guess I need to get my act together and start going out again if I want to get over feeling so alone. I've also been thinking about how I would eventually like to have another child someday and that isn't going to happen unless I get myself together and start dating. Anyone once in my situation and now in a good place have anything to share? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I haven't been in your situation, but when her dad comes back after a few months, don't take him back. You need to move on, and you won't be able to if you continue seeing him on and off.

[Anonymous]

Big hug.

I'm not in your situation, but for years seriously considered heading my relationship that way. I was anxious at the mere thought of looking after DC all alone, barely making ends meet and not having time for myself to grow or find someone else. You are very courageous, and you are right to refuse that your ex's girlfriends take care of your daughter. Your ex might evolve over time and think more long term (marriage and children) but until then, he will always have a slightly irresponsible outlook.

Try not to worry about meeting someone - your child is young and needs you right now, and in a few years you will probably have more time to yourself. Maybe think about meeting single daddies at child-friendly venues on the weekend, such as playgrounds? There should be a dedicated website for single dads to meet single moms If you start by talking to strangers that way, maybe you will eventually feel more comfortable with going one step further and going out in the evening (with a babysitter/friend/family member you trust looking after your daughter)?

Hopefully other posters will come up with more concrete experiences.
Hang in there, you are doing a great job!

[Anonymous]

I also agree with PP about not sleeping with him. Believe me, I appreciate the convenience, but now that you are wanting more, please realize you are worth more! I also encourage you to use sitters more often - even if it is just for practice. Take a walk, sit in a bookstore by yourself, practice being a grown-up again and not just a mom...

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

OP,
Try to get out a bit when your daughter's at her dad's. Try to appreciate that she's with you so much. My ex wanted 50-50 at age 2. (We did 4/3. It nearly killed me when DC was younger.) It's normal to feel lonely. Do you have any single mom friends? It would be great if you could make a few. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you're going through this... it can be tough to move on especially when you're slammed with work and childrearing - - no time for dating.

Here's a funny site that talks about severing ties to your ex - might help lighten things up!

http://everythingex.com/blog/everything-ex

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the help everyone. I now know 1 single mom and she is going through a divorce now. But he soon to be ex takes the kids every other weekend so she actually has a bit of her own life. I have none. I am looking forward to the next few yrs though when my DD gets into ES and goes to bday parties (without me) and sleepovers, etc. I don't trust the girlfriends as nice as they may be. And since he has a new one every 9 months or so, I don't want my DD to see a revolving door of women either. I don't really have $$ for sitters other than when I absolutely need them (parent/teacher conferences, etc). But I will ask my mom for help more than just watching DD for those types of things. I hate it that I don't have a life at all and he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants (and then still want DD whenever he requests, like she is a toy that he wants to show off to his friends and then put back on the shelf when he gets bored).

[Anonymous]

I hate it that I don't have a life at all and he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants (and then still want DD whenever he requests, like she is a toy that he wants to show off to his friends and then put back on the shelf when he gets bored).

What do you mean, whenever he wants? Do you have an agreement? Maybe that would help. When he's not traveling, she's with him on these nights. But that could bring in the lawyers and he might ask for three nights a week or more time now. Also, I am divorced with shared custody but I feel more like you than my married friends and I don't have that much of a life, many of my free evenings are spent at school meetings and events, sporting events, etc.. On evenings my child is not with me I'm still on duty.

[Anonymous]

PP- We've never had an agreement about custody b/c he rarely shows an interest in her visiting him (he may have asked twice in 4 yrs). He works 6-7 days a week so he really couldn't take her anyway. And he lives a few hrs away to boot (when he isn't on the road which is nearly all the time). The only times he has asked for her to visit him is when he has a new girlfriend. If he is single, he would never ask for her to visit. When he visits, it is usually at my house for a few hrs or a day or two. He also doesn't have his own place since he is always traveling so that is another reason she doesn't visit him.

[Anonymous]

OP,
22:35 here. Then it sounds like you're in control, which is no small thing. Do you always agree to what he wants as far as visits? I'm not clear on why you wrote "and then still want DD whenever he requests, like she is a toy etc." I'm also not clear on the girlfriend aspect, unless the girlfriend comes to your house. Anyway, the combination of his dating, fulltime single motherhood, etc. is daunting. What's saved me is friendships with several single mothers. Even if their situation is different, they get it.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I dread the inevitable day when my ex starts dating. We got pregnant unexpectedly and he broke up with me. I'm still a little hurt that he didn't even try to make it work - we were doing great until the pregnancy. Oh well. These days I have my daughter 5 nights a week and he has her 2 - so it's inevitable that he will move on before I will. I just don't have the time to meet anyone, let alone to date anyone I do meet! (and believe me, I do go out with friends so I'm technically "out there" - it's just hard.) And on my depressed days, I feel like being a single mom has made me way less of a "catch" while it's made him more of one. (now he's all sweet and sensitive and kid-friendly, he got a better job with more income and he bought a home for the first time.)

A couple pieces of advice. First, for your own good, you've *got* to stop sleeping with him. It's not doing you any favors. It sucks, but you're probably better off alone for awhile than taking the scraps he throws you. (Believe me, I've been there, with a different ex.)

Second, at some point you're gonna have to take the high road when it comes to his dating life. Unless you think his current girlfriend is a danger to your child, which is unlikely, this one may be around for awhile and she may end up being a part of your child's life. You should probably meet her, if you haven't already, and let your ex take your kid when she's around.

That said, I do think that if he only has your child very infrequently, it seems like it wouldn't kill him to NOT see his GF on those days. And I don't think it's too much to ask of him not to expose your daughter to a revolving door of women. Perhaps you could make a rule that your daughter can meet his "ladies" only after he's dated them for 6 months? You could throw in a bit of guilt about how you don't bring guys around so as not to confuse her. (he doesn't have to know that you don't meet guys to bring around!) Or you could do what I plan to do when the situation arises - I will tell my ex that if he has enough time to date, he has enough time to see his daughter more often, and that I expect him to step up his visitation so I can also have a life outside of her. (THAT should go over well, lol.)

Anyway, good luck. Your situation sucks - I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

PP here - meant to add that his girlfriends could have the best of intentions in urging him to see his daughter more often. If I were dating a guy with children, I'd encourage him to see his kids as often as he could, even if it meant seeing me less. (I have actually been in that situation before.) Perhaps the reason that he seems more interested in seeing his daughter when he's dating is that yes, these women are trying to get him to pursue a better relationship with his daughter. (It's unlikely they see your daughter as a potential toy or fun thing - chances are, they have friends with kids who could fulfill that role.)

[Anonymous]

I have a dd and her dad (we were also never married) has started seeing a girl who I'm not comfortable with at all (she will often call him screaming when he comes over to see her/pick up/drop off so I know she is not unstable and not the kind of person I want around my daughter.
I also think/know I need to go out more, have more fun and feel like I'm more than mom sometimes. I don't have friends in the area, so it's hard. And like you said, most times I'm just too tired, but it would be nice to "force" myself to get out there sometimes and smell some fresh air. It really hurts seeing my DD's dad being so loyal and committed to someone when he was never that way with me. It hurts that he will spend all his free time with this other girl but will act like he is doing me a favor if I need to work late and he has to pick her up from daycare and stay with her for a couple of hours. Different situations, but I can understand you being hurt and needing some time to yourself. Big hugs to you, and if you need a friend, I'm here.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to the 2 previous posters. I don't know anyone in my situation so it is good to know I am not alone. I like the idea of allowing our DD to visit her dad after me meeting the girlfriend and after they have been together for a set period of time. Every one of his relationships is over before a year is over. He has said he never wants to get married again (he was married once many yrs ago) and never wants to be "attached" again. He says he only changes his status on FB to "in a relationship" if his new girlfriend mentions it! I know the girlfriends will be the one watching our DD just b/c her dad works 6-7 days a week which is the real reason I am concerned. If he had a regular work schedule (not working weekends) I wouldn't mind so much letting our DD go w/ him on a weekend since he would actually be there, not just the girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but not clear. DD is at his place but he's working, he's not there? Then what's the point of the visit? You should consider only allowing your daughter to visit her father if he's going to be spending time with her.

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