Neighbor wants too much of my time
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Anonymous
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I have a neighbor friend, and we frequently get together to go for walks, take the kids to the park, etc. I enjoy her company, but she never wants it to end, and I need to get on with my day. For example: We drop our older kids at the bus, and go for a walk. We could walk for an hour, and when we round the corner of our block, she wants to keep going! Or if we are at the park for an hour, she suggests walking the long way home.
In the morning, I wouldn’t mind a half hour walk, but then I want to get on home to clean up breakfast, go to the gym, run errands, etc. same with evening park trips. I want to get home! I can never think of a way to politely tell her I don’t have all day without hurting her feelings or coming across as disinterested. Last time, when we rounded the corner to come home and she wanted to keep going, I told her I needed to get home, and she was really disappointed. How can I tactfully get my message across? |
Anonymous
| I have an appointment at 9. Your appointment can be with your laundry. |
Anonymous
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OP, you’re looking for something to say that guarantees she doesn’t respond in a negative way. Sorry, that’s impossible. Simply be polite and direct. “Actually I need to get back home. I’m going to peel off here and head back.”
And that’s it. It’s not up to you to manage her feelings. If she’s disappointed, that’s for her to manage. This struggle you’re experiencing is about you, not her. Again, be clear, direct and polite. That’s all you need to do. |
Anonymous
Every single day? We’ve been walking 5 days a week, usually. |
Anonymous
You’re right. I hate the feeling of letting someone down. |
Anonymous
Exactly. And if this helps, think of it this way: I’d be pretty annoyed if I found out my friend kept spending time with me because she thought I couldn’t handle her expressing her need to move on. I’d feel managed, as if I couldn’t be trusted to hear her express her need to go home. That’s not your intention with this friend, but it sure comes off that way. Treat her like an adult friend by being an adult friend. |
Anonymous
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So she was disappointed. And?
Do what you want and need to do. You’re not in charge of making her happy. You’re not in charge of entertaining her, or filling her day. |
Anonymous
Except if they’re neighbors, she may see that OP just went home and nobody has come by. |
Anonymous
Just say you enjoyed the walk, but you need to get going on chores or housework or whatever. End with a cheery, “But see you tomorrow at 9!” |
Anonymous
| You really need to grow up, OP. You honestly might need therapy if you are this afraid of letting down a grown-ass adult over nothing. |
Anonymous
And you wonder why SAHMs get a bad rep. Is this what you people do all day? Monitor other people’s houses and wring your hands over disappointing someone? |
Anonymous
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You can't guarantee her feelings. That being said, I find it smooths things to offload the abruptness onto technology.
"Hey, Larla, I'd love to do the walk! Just to let you know, my alarm is going to go off in a half hour, and I'll have to go home right after to stay on schedule. Didn't want it to startle you, but I've got a lot on my plate, and this was really helping over the weekend." Sure, it's stilted and a little awkward. Odds are she'll figure out what you are doing. But she won't say it, because it's letting her save face as a polite fiction. Your job is to stay bright and smiling and friendly, shrug with your cell and a rueful look if needed, and keep moving toward your house. Use "yes" instead of "no," so it's not "no, I can't stay," but "yeah, I gotta go!" And you will eventually get to a new normal with her. |
Anonymous
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OP's problem might be a symptom of anxiety, actually, because I can totally relate. As a kid I was pretty withdrawn and if I had to say/ask something to another kid it would turn into this HUGE deal in my head where I'd mentally practice it and the more I practice the more paralyzed I felt.
Made this friend as an adult and most of our contact was via phone. She could talk for hours (eventually learned she was not just bipolar, but bipolar to the extent of many hospital stays). She's very, very smart and funny so I'd enjoy hearing from her, but after awhile feel trapped. There was never a slow down moment where I could nudge the call to an end. Finally one night I said someone (DH, the cat, another call coming in, don't remember) needed me and she instantly said "go take care of X, love you!" and that was that. Have learned to do this with some friends who are now long distance and also talk a lot. OP you just have to take the plunge, it will get easier once you do that. |
Anonymous
| Why is this under Parenting? |
Anonymous
Why do you care? It involves walking children and playing at a park. |