My wife says "If you love me you would..."
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Anonymous
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"support me." She is also fond of saying "I need you to be my advocate."
I had a realization last night that these phrases a manipulative little euphemisms. "support" = agree with and "advocate" = enabler. The real meaning is "if you were a good husband you would agree with me and enable me to do what I want." Now I just need to figure out what to do with this new knowledge.... |
Anonymous
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How about trying being supportive and and advocate?
How complicated is that? |
Anonymous
| My MIL says stuff like this. Also "if you were smart you would____" which is always whatever her opinion is of what a person should do. I find it to be very manipulative. |
Anonymous
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It kind of matters what she’s asking you to support her in, doesn’t it?
Not every act that you personally disagree with is negatively enabling. Of course, you might feel that way if you have co tell issues, yourself. |
Anonymous
| LOL OP!! High five man!! |
Anonymous
| This is called emotional blackmail. |
Anonymous
| It totally depends on what the ask is. E.g., I have certain career goals as does my husband - for either of us to achieve what we each want we need the other one's support (carrying more of the load at times, being understanding at times, cheering each other on etc). That seems pretty healthy to me. If he was asking me to support him in quitting his job and taking up underwater basket weaving in belize b/c it was his dream - that's support I can't give. |
Anonymous
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Woman here: yeah it’s highly manipulative language. Call her out on it. If she needs support, then she just needs to ask for. But she doesn’t need to make it a test for you to pass in order to show your love. She could ask you to support her by moving across the country. You might not see that as the best move for the family. It doesn’t mean you
Don’t support her or love her. It just means you and she have to negotiate to figure it all out. |
Anonymous
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OP: The problem isn't her manipulation--which is transparent--it's that you're taking it way too seriously.
When she says, "If you loved me you would....[fill in the blank]...." just say "Thank you for sharing your feelings with me." Then tell her to make you a sandwich. |
Anonymous
| Um, isn't a husband supposed to support his wife? and vice versa? |
Anonymous
Sure you can support him. Say: "Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I know you'd like to quit your job and move to Belize, but we don't have the financial ability to do that." End of conversation. |
Anonymous
Actually, no. Not if "support" means to encourage the spouse in self-destructive or self-defeating behavior. |
Anonymous
| Let me wear a strap on... |
Anonymous
One of my (soon to be ex) wife's favorite phrases is "I love you, but ..." followed by some criticism. She's also fond of the phrase, "let me explain something to you." |
Anonymous
That's called "bitchsplainin'". Most women do that. |